Short Story?

Question

I'm writing a short story just for fun and practice. It takes place in Ancient Egypt and its about a man named Mastaba who builds tombs for the wealthy whom he charges an outrageous fee and then proceeds to loot the tomb the night after the funeral. This paragraph is from the part where he is at the funeral of one of his clients and he remarks about the rich people who he hates. I showed it to someone and they said it was in bad taste to write about sex and death. What do you think? I’m also considering dropping some of the bigger words.

They don’t mourn the loss of the dead but the brevity of their own limited mortalities. In their selfishness they wish to preserve their own lives but even they, as brainless as they are, realize it to be a futile effort. So if they cannot save their own lives they believe they can at least create new life. The women cry their lustful lamentations and the men coo and coddle them in their misplaced ardor. Then they look upon the dead with selfish sensibility and reflect on the celibate eternity he is forced to endure. A funeral Mastaba concluded was merely a generator for mournful copulation. Who knew death would prove to be such a powerful aphrodisiac?

Thanks!!

Answer 1

DON'T drop large words, learn how to use them efficiently and correctly. Your writing is too wordy, and your verbs are not precise enough. Keep practicing. No, it is not in bad taste to write about sex and death as long as your writing has a powerful, meaningful central message or purpose.

Keep writing, you'll get better through practice.

Answer 2

Try doing some stuff like this; but remember, these are my opinions.

Not modifies the verb mourn, and NOT the noun DO (which happens to be unnecesary), so try writing it - They mourn not the loss of the dead, but rather the brevity of their own limited mortalities.

You need a few more commas as in the next to last sentence.... A funeral, Mastaba concluded, was merely a generator for mournful copulation. If you wanted to, you could also adjust this sentence to: A funeral, Mastaba concluded, was not but a generator for mournful copulation.

However, anyone with a decent vocabulary could still easily read your paragraph; however, after the 19th century you see a slow decline in the proffesional author's vocabulary. I greatly appreciate your vocabulary; but make sure you use the most precise verb possible, and remember, a thesaurus
and dictionary will be your best friends.

Your writing reminds of the SAT segment that dealt with that type of thing...

Don't let anyone get you down though, it seems to me like you are a great natural writer, you just need some polishing and experience.

Answer 3

This does not read like a short story at all. There is no characterization.

Even though you are writing fiction, it still needs to be believable. If you don't get the basic facts about life during that time period correct, you will lose your reader. In Ancient Egypt most tomb builders were among the lower ranks of the social hierarchy. Therefore had no power to demand "outrageous fees" for their craftsmanship. They did not use currency. Tomb builders were paid with food and goods which they used to trade for other things their families needed. And since grave robbing was punishable by death...I find it uncharacteristic for a tomb builder to "loot" the tomb.

Answer 4

This was a bit rough.

Dropping big words may not need to be done. If you want some help on making it easier to read, check out George Orwell's essay "Politics and the English Language."

As for sex and death, those are two very human issues and not in the least inappropriate to write about.

Best of fortune in your endeavors. Keep working, you'll hit your stride.

Answer 5

Sex and Death is not the part that I don't like. I wonder who your audience is? It sounds almost 'clinical' or 'technical' like your writing for a group of Anthropologists. It doesn't have any characterization for Mastaba, even if you bring us into the story earlier I wonder exactly who this person is in relation to the lamentations and lust...is he in the throngs? Does he finds this display horrific? Some of it almost sounds repetitions in content matter. I like the story 'idea' but it needs fleshing out and color.

Answer 6

Scrap it. Too much passive writing. Switch to active writing. In your paragraph, I have no idea who's who and I can't relate to any of the characters. Use action and passion. Why do you think you need to use 'bigger words'? Words should be used for effective communication and not because they're big or small. Reading your story is like trying to sing with a mouthful of bubble gum. It doesn't work for me. I wouldn't be interested in reading any more. Sorry.

Answer 7

I understood perfectly the paragraph you gave us. The words used are not ungainly nor are they all simple. But with this long narrative in a paragraph the story begs for lively dialogue between Mastaba and another or at least inner thoughts by Mastaba.

That is how you will bring alive the story for the reader.

Answer 8

I think that in the context that it is written, there is nothing wrong with the paragraph. I find it somewhat interesting to bring the two subjects together like this. It causes the reader to think and come to a decision about how they feel. That's what good writing is all about. Leave it as is, don't second guess your work. It really is good!

Answer 9

Whoo, honey....It took a lot of effort for me to read that paragraph.. Yes drop those big words! I liked the idea of the story but.....whoo....lol, it was painful to try to read. You don't need to use those enormous words to be a good writer, you just need to know the best ways to use simpler ones. Stick with your plot idea, but try to use words that those of us with smaller vocabularies can understand. You'll lose your readers if they have to use a dictionary on every other word. Stick with your plot though, it could be interesting.