What do you do if your husband cant g et over the death of his ex girlfriend/mother of first 2 kids death?

Question

A year ago, my husbands ex girlfriend (mother of other kids) died of pneumonia. I expected him to be upset initially but as i said its been a year and he is still depressed. Even the children, although fairly young, seem to be doing much better. He hardly ever wants to have sex since she passed, he misses work to stay in bed, and spends more time with their children than with our child. I am very hurt and feel isolated from my husband. I understand his kids need him, but shouldnt HE be over it by now? I am starting to get angry. He has even been to counseling but its not helping . Am I just being selfish? For christs sake , they were never even married! I am his wife!

Answer 1

he gets over it, or leave him

Answer 2

People deal with death in different ways. He may be feeling a lot of regret, shock, bitterness, etc because he wasn't there, even though he couldn't have done anything preventatively. After all, she was the mother of his children. That alone means a great deal. I understand your frustration adn I am not saying that it is wrong, but as a wife, you need to be supportuve and try to console him and show him that you are there for him, able to listen, as well as assist him with getting some kind of help. Even thoguh he is in counseling, it may not be the correct type, or it may not be effective. It sounds liek he is goign through a major amount of depression and probably either needs medication to help with it, medication adjusted or perhaps even hynosis or something like that.

My boyfriend and I have been split for nearly 3 years and he is remarried now. We lost a child together during our relationship and even to this day, he still has a really hard time with it because he wasn't there (he was cheating when it happened), and because of the guilt associated with the circumstances. We find ourselves talkign at least once a week or so because I am te only one he can talk to comfortably about his feelings about the situation, as well as other issues he has in his life.

More than anything, you need to sit down and decide within yourself whether you wanna stick it out or if you're gonna just give up on him. It is a hard decision, I realize that, but you need to be happy as well. Best of luck!

Answer 3

Go back to counseling - both of you! You need to manage your feelings (which sound a bit on the jealous side) and how to best support him. Counseling is not easy or work wonders over night. Trust takes time. Your husband may need to overcome a barrier in his level of trust in your relationship as it relates to the meaning of his children's mother's death. Did they have a bad relationship where they bad-mouthed one another? Was there unfinished business between the two of them that he had a hard time sharing with you. These two people had two children together and married or not at one time cared for one another on some level. His grief is not a reflection on you but your inability to cut him some slack and accept that he has experienced a loss. The fact that his kids have lost their mother compounds that loss. You didn't indicate how long ago she died so it is difficult to assess whether or not he is acutely depressed or whether this is chronic over 6 months or so. I also wonder what your relationship with the ex-girlfriend was like and how that effects your husband's ability to open up to you.

Answer 4

Hooah! There's an underlying reason in every behavior. Have you tried to find out what causes his? I personally think he has an unresolved issue with her ex girlfriend which is bothering him this long. Perhaps there's something he's guilty of? You cannot treat a problem without knowing its roots. I know you love him enough that you have been patient with him even if he behaves this way. Try to shift your role one time and be a friend for a moment. This would help you to be objective as possible in dealing with whatever reasons he'll open up to you. You talk to him as a friend would be, I'm sure he needs one. His behavior is showing it. Forget for a moment that you're talking to him as a wife for it will make things hard for you, things will be subjective and it may not resolve anything. Let him realize that what is past is past and nothing good will happen if he'll continue entertainig depression. Help him realize that his ex is dead he cannot do anything about that but he is alive, has a family, and children for that matter who loves him, and... he can do something to make them feel happy! Tell him there are things that cannot be changed! Well... Hakuna matata! "If you can't do anything about it, why worry?" Help him in trying to accept what happened and work on things he can still do something about instead of focusing on things that depresses him. Ask him if he wants to be happy? Help him understand that it's only him who can help himself but you are always at his side supporting him in the process of pulling himself out of depression. Maybe you guys deserve a break! Have an unwinding moment, vacation that is! Energize yourself and unload negative energies. This may even be a perfect time in talking to him. Let him see the bright future ahead of you. Make him understand that it is difficult to achieve this if he will cling to the past. Hopefully he'll slowly be awakened if not right away. Cheer up! He'll get over it soon with your support and move on... Goodluck!

Answer 5

ver, ever be angry at something like this. It's called shock. Sometimes it can take years before a person truely realizes the person they were with died. He is probably trying to get his kids to understand her death too, and they are him only connection with his ex. You just need to be there for him, be around him, make sure you inform him you love him, but respect his ex and will always be there for him when he needs it. Never feel angry if your spouse is feeling sad or such. They loved each other, and sadly you were second, you just have to understand this.

Answer 6

My poor kind lady , you should be patient to solve this problem to pass. Bear in mind the following points to regain your husband:
1. Never never show your husband that you are jealous of her but on the contrary u should tell him that he has sincere feelings to his ex wife so you are sure that he has the same feelings of love towards you.
2. Be very kind to his kids and even help them to convince him that u are their alternative mother.
3. Always be sexy, attractive and even kiss him in bed to make feel that he can not do without you for himself and his kids.
4. Be wise enough to save this small family to get over the sorrow by going out with the children to drag him out of the situation to public life
5. Guess what makes him never forget her and do the same u will succeed

Answer 7

You need to tell him that if he continues to push you away then you are going to leave if he doesn't go seek help then you can't help him. He was never married to her but they had a history and he probably is in shock that she died and now he feels bad because his kids don't have their mother. You will be ok but you need to put your foot down.

Answer 8

Sounds like a deep depression for some reason. He needs a shrink, bad.

Answer 9

get him the help he needs. he may need other kind of counseling (grief), psychiatric or maybe religious counseling. it may be a bigger, long lasting problem like depression and no longer just a matter of getting over a death.

Answer 10

like you said your 27 & i know you love him but MY GOD he kicked you and your kids out... plus you two are no longer married - he is like the other person stated only human but my question for you is WHY do you want to be with him? and why do you want him to answer that question as to why he kicked you out...what purpose is or will it serve you once or if he tells you the truth? my suggestion is to keep in touch for the kids but let the love go.... and love yourself more... get on your feet for you and your children & let him see you doing good - not saying it is easy at all but think about your kids...1st

Answer 11

selfish? I don't think so........ Try to talk to him. Ask if there is something you can do for him that could help him. If there isn't, tell him to get a grip!!!!