What should I do?

Question

Judge if you like, but if you have a heart, please offer some clear advice without hate; I've been married for nearly 10 years. For the last 8 I've been trying to resolve the emptiness... I've sat him down, I've threatened to leave, I've begged for attention and made suggestions. I've tried a hundred different ways and suggested counselling. Instead, he's beaviour is so incongruent as to leave me wondering what he's been up to for the last 5 years. So a year ago, I met someone. Rightly or wrongly we've fallen in love, yet refrained from a physical relationship (yes, we know it's an affair anyway.) So I've told husband I give up, told him I feel nothing for him. His reply.. tears, "victim" playing, and leaving everything in my court - leaving or staying. I'm the bad guy no matter what, yet I find it hard to leave for the sake of my child. My love has asked me to marry him, which I would readily do... but how do I move on without causing so much pain?

Answer 1

Tell your husband you're not falling for this "victim" act he wants to play. Had he not of messed up, you'd still care for him and it's his fault that he killed everything you ever felt for him. Think of the pain he caused you, the times you tried to make things better. Did he cry then? I think not.

Answer 2

No judging here. You are in a tough position as this involves a child. Your husband plays the game pretty well--he knows how to manipulate you and will no doubt use this to keep his hold on you. Before divorce, he needs to go with you to a good couples counselor. I know in many states, you are required to do so before they will even grant a petition to hear a divorce.

You don't say that you ever loved your husband and if you really think your marriage is unsolvable, definitely move on. But weigh that heavily with what this means for your child. Besides the obvious (child will never have an intact home and will suffer great emotional distress), other implications exist such as: Are you okay if he remarries or begins dating and this new woman becomes involved in your child's life? Second marriages have a much higher divorce rate, esp ones with children involved. Have you thought about taking a break (after your divorce) from your current love to give yourself sometime to process it all? Such as why did you marry your husband in the first place? The new love may be the true love of your life, but please consider a few months of self-introspection. If he really loves you, he will give you this time on your own.

I feel your pain and nobody can make the decision for you. But whatever you do, make this decision fully informed as to the possible underlying motives and outcomes. Good luck.

Answer 3

How old is your child? I would suggest you leave your husband. It sounds like it is going to happen anyway. Think about this, if your husband, who is a "victim", and leaves everything up to you, then it sounds like he does not want to make the relationship work. I would leave. It sounds like you have tried everything that you can to no avail. When he leaves the ball in your court, it basically means that he doesn't want the blame for the failed marriage. But just remember this: he had every opportuniy to try to work things out and he did not make any effert. Go, be happy!! As for your child, if he or she is young, it may be easier. If your child is older, then you will really need to be there for him or her.

Answer 4

I think to be honest you can not stay with someone because of children you have a right to a happy life if he is so in his ways not to change and you have made the effort to make things better it is time to cut the Cord sounds like it is time for you to be happy it always is the same the woman is made to be the bad guy and that is so unfair
please Hun think of you now
you can have a brighter life by the sounds of it if you do move on
you sound like a strong woman
i hope what ever you do life gets better for you
Respect
shaz

Answer 5

Think about this. If you don't move on you will be causing yourself much more pain. Look, you've been trying for 8 years. This guy you're married to is just comfortable;he doesn't want change. That's not love. That's not marriage

Answer 6

No judgement, it's evident you will be following your heart. However, PLEASE do NOT exit one relationship, to go into another. End your empty relationship, yes. But discover your completeness within YOURSELF, and your child, before adding another to the equation. Once YOU are complete, then another would be a positive. To go to another for completeness, I do not agree with at all. That would be my suggestion. Time is beautiful. Take full advantage by taking all the time needed to make any life decision! Best Wishes...

Answer 7

pain is a part of life. it can't be avoided. it sounds like you are more than ready to move on and that the marriage has been over for a long time. keep in mind that you did try. he wasn't interested. you deserve happiness. just be firm and strong. don't let him put you on a guilt trip. and don't stay just for the child. it will only hurt him/her in the long run. live by example. and live a happy life.

Answer 8

i think you should what is best for you because if you are not happy then you can bring happiness to your home to your child. life is to short if you don't love your husband then end it its better now then 10 years from now be happy and let the people around you find happiness. No one is the bad guy of the story.

Answer 9

Sorry you are in such a difficult position. It seems that your choices are to live in pain or cause temporary pain to a husband who didnt value you for years, the choice is yours to make and sometimes its better to cause temporary pain then live in pain.

Answer 10

its going to be hard either way. you know what you need to do. do whats in your heart and what you know is right and best for you.