A NEW WORLD!
You took me away into the world of love,
Where you flew around like a dove,
My heart was made for you alone,
A place for you to be my own.
You took me away into the world of peace,
Where you buzzed around like the bees,
A small gift from my heart,
In which you’ll be a part
You took me away into the world of joy,
Where you played around like a toy,
I am the one just for you,
All the time the sky is blue.
You took me away into the world of hope,
Where I am sure that you can cope
If you truly want to be with me,
My heart is the place to be.
2007-05-19 00:14:04 · 8 answers · asked by ritty 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
put it up and come back and reread it, you may decide to change some things, it is not bad, don't give up, but work on it
2007-05-19 02:08:17 · answer #1 · answered by Friend 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds so childish and juvenile. Are you 8? You really need to work on # of syllables, and the flow. I use the couplet pattern to, but in your poem, the rhymes are so obvious! You can read one line and already know what the rhyme for the next line will be. Its so kiddish. Some of the stanza's make no sense!
I am the one just for you,
All the time the sky is blue.
I call that a cop-out rhyme. If you can't make a rhyme work with out making it sound stupid, then don't! I'd give this poem a 1/10.
2007-05-19 09:20:24 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Beautiful poem! My only suggestion is to change the second lines in the second and third paragraph. I'm betting you can come up with something more powerful.
2007-05-19 07:22:34 · answer #3 · answered by mJc 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I love this poem!! it sounds like you found someone you really like and you think likes you. and now your telling them that if they want you they have to show their feelings for you.
2007-05-19 09:03:42 · answer #4 · answered by jewel 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I think it is very good it flows is more traditional and just so easy to read and to like~~
2007-05-19 07:24:06 · answer #5 · answered by burning brightly 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
awesome.........this poem is realy good enough...have a deepest means maybe about your love or life...but ham realy like it.....it's a honest poem and im sure you will get a best feedback...
2007-05-19 08:35:06 · answer #6 · answered by illham pohan 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
it's good, but the rhyming could be better depending on how old you are.
2007-05-19 12:25:10 · answer #7 · answered by p.s. - i love you 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
rele good
2007-05-19 08:06:57 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋