Only for women with children / family?

Question

What would you do for a man who can (and does) the following: wash dishes, laundry, trash, home repair, minor car repair, raise children, vacuums, cleans windows, grocery shops, recommends that you (she) go out for "alone time" or with her friends without question, cooks, works a full time job and is in the military. And I do all this without restraint nor hesitation.

I do these things to help around the house like a good partner should. My wife is too "tired" to do a lot in the house and focuses ALL of her attention on our only son.

By the way, I'm attractive (tall, dark,handsome type), well built, 35 years old and a Veteran. I don't drink or any illegal drugs. I smoke, but never around my wife or child or in the house. Ever!

Would you treat me like a second class citizen, be spiteful and hold resentment against me (like my wife does)? Or what?

I'm looking to see who needs counseling: me or my wife.

By the way, there is a lot more to this story. But you have it in a nutshell.

I'm looking for as much feedback as possible. So this question may be repeated for a few weeks. Ask your lady friends their insight and respond.

Thank you.

I forgot. Occasionally I give her flowers just out of the blue or when she's feeling blue. Give her gifts when I can afford them and just be nice to her. You know, like, your "you look yummy today" and "that really looks wonderful on you" and they do. The positive emotions are going in one direction. Not in both.

A very good point showed up, and thank you for it. Yes I do take care of our son. From changing him, to playing, to reading, counting, shapes, playing with half of Toys R' Us' stock in our house, feeding him going out for walks and to playgrounds. He's but a wee 2 3/4 years old. But is as big as a 4 year old and solid. Not a Twinkie Baby.

Answer 1

Hey there LoneWolf,
Do you realize your question mostly reads like a personal ad? I think the others here who ask you to have your wife see a doctor and evaluate this tiredness you mention-is #1. We should pretty much rule out physical causes before shipping her out as a user. For example, thyroid problems can cause extreme tiredness. A sleep disorder-easily can wipe out your energy day after day. As a mom I can speak from experience having undergone HUGE changes in emotions, exhaustion, and even inability to multitask as soon as my baby was born.

Your words "resentment" and the like imply there was something she is mad about with you. IF you havent dealt with the underlying conflict then it only gets worse as divorce court may leave you a visitor to your kid and a lot of continuing damage from an unresolved conflict growing in its' hostility.

Your SOS ought to be aimed at a professional in therapy-not an anonymous Yahoo forum-although we like to help each other out. You and your wife and your child are worth the time and effort it takes to find an experienced marital therapist. Marriages did not come with the handbook-although you could learn about the research backed info now out on what makes marriages last.

For example, your friendship together is damaged-that needs repair. Seeing a couples coach (find someone trained or familiar with the world renowned research of Dr. John Gottman of Seattle) can coach you both in how to do that. You can talk to your wife about her dream-what is her dream that is not being fulfilled-and tell her what your dreams are too. This is a "dream behind the conflict" tool and it is something a skilled therapist can use to melt down those resentments as you two become a source of getting those dreams met for each other.

If you come off antagonistic as some have suggested-again, negativity =negativity. The best move is with love but not in just doing all those things-but in taking her emotional stand seriously-first to find out what it means and to pretend you are dating and have that level of concern and express it to her.

There is no EITHER OR in couples counseling. If she is showing you resentment then that is a warning sign of worse things to come. Treat it like a marital emergency and find a couples coach (after you take her to the doctor). If she won't go to the doctor to have her fatigue evaluated-go and tell her doc yourself and ask her/his advice.

What is the "lot more to the story?"

Good luck in finding a therapist.

Answer 2

Hey do you need a soul mate, just kidding, she should be so lucky to have a man do all this for her, is she damn stupid, hey maybe you do too much and she feels inferior, as if you don't need her, I think the problem lies with her, you should give her more responsibilities, like if you cook she washes the dishes, and one night she looks after the baby the next night you do, remember to share all the chores, I am sure that she feels that she is not the woman in the house but that you have assumed that position, she could be feeling very threatened by you, it was nice in the beginning but it could be that you have been over doing it and that she needs to feel as if she is needed and if you do everything then what is the purpose of her being there, as I said you are doing too much, slow down and see what her reaction is to that, then take it from there

Answer 3

Well. I can't tell you what I do when my husband does these things as it's a G-rated forum.

How is your attitude when you do these things? Subservient? Hostile? You-owe-me-bigtime? I'm all for splitting duties but if you act like a slave she'll treat you like one. And as for the excuse that she's too tired....well some days I really understand that. But every day? Your wife has some issues. Perhaps she should see a medical doctor to see if there's something physically wrong. If that's ruled out then a mental health professional; she could be depressed.

I have a three year old, am 5 months pregnant with our second, have a full time job and my husband is deployed (again). But I find time to clean house, spend time with my daughter and get alone time occasionally. Sure, I'm tired sometimes. But it just tells me that really, something is seriously wrong with her (and I don't mean that in a mean or judgemental way.) She really, really needs to get some help.

Answer 4

She may be clinically depressed or have some other medical problem that really does make her feel tired. Or she may be taking advantage of the fact that you do all these things. She might be bored with her life - there are lots of possible explanations for her behavior. I'm sure you have a gut feeling about this . . . is your wife the type of person to behave selfishly? As for the counseling, I think couples counseling would be the way to start. Then the therapist can hear both sides of the story and he/she can recommend individual therapy if one or both of you needs it. Good luck with this!

Answer 5

You need to go together to counselling. And there is always 2 sides to every story. The therapist will help you both to communicate your needs and the issues you have with how you are treating each other.
If additonal help is needed for either of you independently the therapist will tell you.

Do not give up! You sound like you are truly trying to be a partner and share in the chores that come from being a family. Maybe time alone together- like a date night? could spark the flame again.

Answer 6

I am the mother of a young child with cancer, my boyfriend is the father of a 7 year old and well he experienced pretty much the same thing you have stated with his ex wife. My daughter's father does not exist and I do everything for myself, and child--cook, clean, wash, everything. If I could see my boyfriend everyday I would do so much for him. I would always wear the kind of underware he liked and make sure I am well groomed (I do anyway). I would not allow smoking anywhere--he's a firefighter and I do not have to worry about that. There would be sex every day and tasty treats and special occasions for him as much as I could manage. We have a partnership as it stands now and we are unfortunately 2600 miles apart. It is very difficult, but we will not be this far forever, though sometimes it seems like it. As far as your wife is concerned I am not sure counseling will work for her as she seems content to be how she is. I wonder if she feels good about herself. I know I have felt pretty crappy and when I do, I tend not to be very nice to others, especially those I love. I believe in giving her a chance to let you know what is really bothering her. If you do not have a relationship that is open and honest and she doesn't feel like you listen to her and actually hear what she's saying then she won't tell you, ever, what she's feeling. It is hard to know you are not being responsive in someone else's eyes. Maybe she's just a b****. I'd need more information. Probably more than you have space to give. Also in my eyes, doing all of the housework well deserves a bj.

Answer 7

Do U have a twin?LOL.Whats wrong with this lady.I have been with my kids dad 4 15yrs,I do everything 4 him.He has been the only man in my live from sex ,2 ect...,N I don't get the Royal treatment u give her.If I was your wife,U would have your bubble bath,your feet would get rub,I would make sure that every night I would massage every part of your body,so that your muscles could relax,after a long day .Put the baby 2 bed,burn some candles,lay u down n take care of your dark tall body,from head 2 toes.This is what I do 2 my kids dad n after 15yrs we r not still marry.Pls tell her 2 read this,remind her that there r women's that her ready 4 the ROYAL treatments.May GOD bless YOUR FAMILY,I hope that it would work out.IF not I"m willing 2 b free,from my monster.LOL.FREE ME FREE ME!

Answer 8

woooooooooooow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
for gods sake where do u get all the time to do allllll this???? am ompressed am telling u its too good to be true . all the enrgy all the devoution to make this marrige thing work . but can i ask u this ? what did u leave her to do that woudl make her feel needed important in that relation? every woman woudl wanna a helping partner speiclaly while shes expecting a baby but not all the way. a woman is the one that shoudl be doing the nesting u know.?!! when ur home end of day and too tired and shes so excited hoping u woudl notice a new outfir new hair cut or just some flowers in the vase new receipy she learned u know get ntoiced and get appreciated. what ur doing is actaully doing every thing ur being the house wife the husband the provider that dad even the boy freid ( since there is a fact that only boy friends give flouwes and say nice things about the way she dresses and that ) u d be thinkin what else woudl she need> ? but if i were her woudl be thinking why did he marry me what is it that i have and i can give nothing! give urself a break. u r here suffering of being taken for granted which is not fair but normal and expected. i understand that u army guys have alot of power and so used to do lots in lil time and be organized and all that all ur doing is giving ur family and house all u can give but tahst not good. she needs to eb challanged aroudn the hosue to find enough time for the chourse and taking care of her baby and try to look good COZ SHE NEEDS TO HAVE SOMETHIGN TO DO AND THEN TALK ABOUT IT TO HER FREINDS LIKE ALL WOMEN DO !!
get out of the hosue fet with freinds let her sweat a lil aroudn the house stop bringing her flowers do these things gradually till she misses it one thing after anotehr and find teh urge to step in and start playin her role aroudn the house before she does what most men does when their wives are too busy around the house ( cheat on u ) yes dear i cna see this comin coz ur simply have switched roles . let teh gilr be the woman aroudn the house and help only when needed and bicth about it for the rest of the week dont ever let any body take u for granted . if u were my husband i woudl divorce u and i ll leave u the kid :P kidding ur good ur actaully too good u need to tone it down a lil alot so much down and just do what otehr men do dont be superman no body likes it beleive it or not we woemn like to suffer tahst hwo we were made!!!!! sorry ist teh truth !
good luck
p.s
enjoy having notgin to do whiel there is much to be done it FEELS DAM GOOD
CHEERS

Answer 9

Not knowing the "rest of the story", I can only say that being appreciated for the things that we do for our spouse and family is a very important thing in any relationship. It's amazing what a "thank you", a back rub, a kiss on the cheek can do for your spouse to show them that you appreciate them. I'm not certain that you have voiced your opinion to your wife and if you haven't, please do so. If you have and you are still not receiving a positive response, there may be a deeper lying problem. Some women feel that it is their responsibility to clean, cook, do the laundry, take care of the children and when those things are done by their husbands, they feel inadequate. They want to do those things, but when those things are done by their spouse instead, she feels as if she couldn't live up to what she believes is her responsibility. I am a firm believer that negotiation is important in a relationship. Ask her if she would like to be more involved in the housework. Ask her if she feels that she is contributing enough. Good luck to you and your family. I am blessed with a man that does all of these things as well and we share in all of the housework...he gets his nightly backrub...and well, whatever else he wants!

Answer 10

You sound like a gem. As long as there has been no infidelity in your relationship, you are not being treated right. If you do all this and your wife doesn't work and has the luxury of being a stay at home mom, she has some serious problems and you deserve better. Even if she does work, she has it better than most. I have always tried to treat my husband the way I would want to be treated and we have had 22 good years together. He is a lot like you, kind and generous to a fault. I have always had to remind myself to not take advantage. We are not rich financially, but we have enough and have a peaceful, happy home.

I would say she is the one who needs counseling-Good luck!