How do I stop my daugter from marrying white English lad? indian mothers help?

Question

I think I was being accused of being a racist in the other post, but you know how hard it is to have Indian Hindu daughters in the UK, now my daughter is engaged to white lad, I have nothing against him, but I believe if she has children they will lose their culture and then its a interculture marriage which will fail. they are different people, different culture, religion, and I dont want her to end up getting a divorce? what do I do?

Answer 1

This is the consequence of coming to live in a modern Western country. If you hadn't wanted your children to grow up in such a country and to learn this country's culture and way of life then you shouldn't have come here.

It seems to me that your daughter has successfully achieved what is necessary in order to live here happily. She has mixed with the people who originate from here and made friends and managed to bridge both cultures. You should be very proud of her. Do you not trust her to teach her children your culture as well as the British culture?

If everyone who lives here is going to get along then there must be more integration between the different communities otherwise the country will become a series of ghettos and the mutual mistrust and dislike born out of ignorance will never be overcome.

We also used to make arranged marriages for our children and our daughters used to belong to their fathers until they were handed over to become the property of their husbands instead; they had very few rights of their own. Women in this country fought hard and in some cases died to free us from this position and to win for us the right to vote and to govern our own lives. Please do not deny this to your daughter. She is a woman of the 21st centuary and has the right to be treated as such.

Answer 2

Maybe I'm naive, but why is it hard to have Indian Hindu daughters in the U.K.?

If your daughter's husband respects her, and her culture and religion, I don't think your grandchildren will lose their culture. Disowning your daughter will be a sure fire way for them to lose their culture, though. (Wait until the grandkids are older, and ask why Grandma and Grandpa aren't around!)

Why would their marriage fail if it's "intercultural"? Maybe the guy honors and respects your culture and religion? It is unfair to stereotype all non-Indians and assume they want to "convert" all Indians and destroy their culture. Some of us believe that all human beings are created equal and that we all bleed the same color, so we are the same. Everyone should know "where they came from" and try to preserve their culture. I think it would be a shame to keep culture (no matter whose) from children.

As far as certain groups of men being more unfaithful than others? From everything I've experienced, seen, read, heard -- it's a worldwide problem.

This is so sad. So much hatred in this world. Marriage is hard enough without your parents muddying things up beforehand. Your post was written 7 years ago, and it makes me wonder what became of this issue? One thing is for certain, if this fellow knew how much you hated him because he wasn't an Indian Hindu, I'm sure he felt that horrible sting of racism. Poor fellow.

Don't be so hard-hearted!

Answer 3

I can understand where you are coming from. You naturally want your daughter to be happy and you also quite rightly are proud of your culture and your religion.
Mixed marriages are a lot harder to sustain, no doubt about it.
But ask yourself. Is my daughter a rational thinking person? Does she have a strong emotional base? If your answer to both is yes, then she stands a very good chance of making a go of it.
My kids are mixed Arab/English. As they have been brought up in the middle east they have stronger ties here but they could fit in either culture and know their heritage on both sides.
They are Muslims and I am not. They live here so it is not a choice for me. However, as long as they obey the rules of their religion and are kind caring individuals that is fine by me.
In the end product we all worship one eternal being. It is rather like going to petrol pumps. You choose the right petrol or diesel for your car.
Try not to let your concerns become an obsession and give then both the support they both need as they start on this new journey.
You raised a strong moral daughter and now she is ready to fly.
Try not be concerned what others may think. You never know, they may be the couple that change the face of multi cultural thought where you live.

Answer 4

You think you're not racist, but you also said "Im sorry I like white people but they are not good husbands they have affairs." I find that racist and offensive. I am a Briton, and I have never been (nor ever will be) unfaithful to my girlfriend.

As for preserving your culture, your daughter can always teach her children her native language and traditions. Ultimately, however, it is up to the children to decide whether to embrace British or Indian culture. They may embrace one, both, or neither. The important thing is that they are exposed to a variety of options so that they may make informed choices.

Edit: Come to think of it, I've never heard an Indian mother use the word "lad" either. You're probably right, Steve H.

Answer 5

I dont think you should!! Generally when parents try to force an issue or stop them doing something it normally has the opposite effect. So this would probably push her closer to him!
I doubt they would lose their culture after all they have you and your daughter and other family/friends to instill it in them. Just because its an interculture marriage there is no gaurantees it will end in divorce. i agree divorce rates are higher in mixed marriages but you are setting it up to fail because you have already decided that it will end in divorce!!
Let her live her life, you only learn from your mistakes!!

Answer 6

.You may get some advise from 'Indian Mothers' and if you search for long enough you will accept the advise that you are really looking for, that wont make it 'right' will it?
The only advise I can offer is not what you want, but:-
I don't know how long you have been in the UK, you must have noticed the changes in attitudes ref' multiculturalism ? You and all folk of your generation, (including myself) have to learn to live in this modern age, not just us in the UK but world wide, things are rapidly changing.
You state " It's an intercultural marriage and it will fail"!!
Made your mind up about that have you???
I'm tempted to have a rant about arranged marriages and all the worlds different religions, and cultures but I wont.
There is no stopping multiculturalism it's here to stay now, you just dont want it all to happen in your life time, start to learn to live with it, thats my advise, not what your looking for really is it????

Answer 7

Why are you in the UK? Freedom? Opportunity? Yet you deny your daughter what you have shown her to be important enough to you to have left India in the first place. Control and force never work, marriage never comes with any guarantees - of anything...

You've asked this question three times. You're never going to get the answer you want here, but are you listening. These are all things that your daughter thinks. You say you have nothing against the lad...consider where this will end if you do not desist.

Answer 8

i do like your sweeping generalisation of all british men. you say you've allowed her freedom and given her morals and culture. now you must let her live her life according to those morals you've instilled in her. what if she marries this british man and is happy? there are no guarantees that if she goes through with an arranged marriage she'd be happy. unless of course your have more loyalty to your culture than you do your daughters happiness. arranged marriages are outdated. especially in the country you live. you dont have any legal right to force someone to marry someone else. you dont know the marriage will be a failure, and interracial marraige isnt wrong at all. i think you do mean to offend as if someone said the same derogatory things about indian men and the culture you'd be screaming racism. and dont bleat the old its a different culture you dont understand. cos common sense tells you if your forced to do something against your will then your not going to be happy. you shouldnt force her, threaten her or disown her. you should however be ashamed your trying to make your daughter unhappy.

Answer 9

if this was happening the other way round.. if it was a white mother not wanting her daughter to marry an Asian man she would be given real abuse for being racist. And that is just what this is. There is such thing as racism towards whites and this is prove.. it is often thought by many Asians that white people are not good enough to be the husband/wife to there children and trust me i know first hand... your are racist. if the people from the UK aren't good enough to think of them as family why are you here?

Answer 10

if i said i don't want my daughter to marry a black or Indian guy id be racist so why do you think your not being racist get a life the kids in the UK are taught more about other cultures then their own why not go and find her a husband who might mistreat her at least the kids they have wont be mixed race but you will be happy regardless of what your daughter feels