What do you do when all your parents do is yell at you?

Question

I'm in high school and all my parents do is yell at me and my brother. We are really good kids (don't do drugs, we play sports, have good friends, do well in school, etc) but all they do is find our faults and exploit them. Lately, they've been fed up with us not doing as many chores as they think we should do (nevermind that we don't get allowance) and so if they see we don't do the dishes or something automatically they start screaming. And it's not that we don't see where they are coming from, it's that they don't bother to talk to us about it. Also, I've found that I can no longer speak to my mom because she takes every word that I say as sass. I don't try to sass her because I know i'll be punished but she just thinks I have a horrible attitude. I really don't know what to do anymore and I really want to find my parents help with their anger issues because my brother and I can't take it anymore. We're afraid that if this continues that family will fall apart.

Neither can my brother and I simply take the abuse. I can't just sit and be told to do this and to do that when they don't give a reason or use the because i'm the parent excuse. We feel that they don't really see how great they have it with their kids, and how many more problems they could have with us. Nor is it that we're ungrateful. We know we could have it much worse. Right now I just don't want anything to do with my parents and I'm realy afraid that these stupid fights are going to end our realtionships for good. Do you have any advice on places we could go, or people we could talk to? Thanks

Answer 1

My parents and I were the same way.

When I was in high school all they did was exploit my faults or mistakes just like you. It was only after my parents sent me to therapy for an different problem that my therapist showed me a solution to the tension in my house.

You need to sit down with them and tell them how you feel. But don't get caught up in the emotions that come with the conversation. You need to stay calm, and talk to them, no matter how much yelling they do back. Remind them that are you maturing into an adult and that they should start to respect you in that way. That all the negative tension they give you is creating a weight on you. That it bothers you. That you don't want to take it anymore. Tell them that you love them and you fear that if it all continues, the family will fall apart.

One thing that my therapist said to me is that you can never control another individual besides yourself. So when your responsibilities are taken care of, do things that make you happy... that you want, and when they start yelling at you for something, talk to them about your reasoning. If they continue to yell and be abusive, excuse yourself respectfully and walk away. Tell them that you will be glad to talk to them when they are not yelling at you. Just leave the tension. You don't have to be in any situation you don't want to.

It's going to take time. You may get grounded a couple times, threatened to be kicked out of the house, etc, but eventually it will get to them. For me, it took them about 2 months to accept that was I was becoming an adult. I wasn't their little kid anymore.

Lastly, talk to them outside of the problems. Tell them how your day was. Make an effort to say hi when they get home from work, etc etc. You don't have to include them in your personal life, but don't leave them in the dark.

I wish you luck in your situation. I hope everything works out fine. I didn't realize how important my parents were to me till I left the house for college.


Alex

P.S. The "B/c I'm the parent" answer does get old, but I find that when they tell you to do something, evaluate it. If it upsets you, and you can, do it - and then ask why after you've done the task. That worked for me at least.

Answer 2

I am sorry that things are not good for you at the moment. Not sure if this is a "normal" thing or it has just started happening. If just started, there may be a reason that they are not telling you and trying to keep. Perhaps they are having probs and don't want you to know and take it out on you.
Perhaps they have a much greater work load and are expecting someone to help in you guys but are too stressed to explain properly.
It almost sounds like you guys are more adult than then as you are expressing your feelings here. If you have a way of perhaps writing down how you feel in a soft and gentle way and when they are not too upset, ask them to read it. Not sure how they would react so you would be the best judge of that.
The only thing that I could suggest, and this may not be too easy would be to one day come home, do all the chores that they expect you to do and then when they come home with nothing to yell at you about, talk to them about how you feel the other days.
Sorry that this stuff is so vague but I don't know how they are likely to react. Good luck but from the sounds of your abilities to express what is happening to you, I have no doubt that at some stage you will all connect and discuss better.
Again, good luck

Answer 3

Sweetie I feel for you both I am a mother of 2 boys and one is a teen too and it would break my heart if he felt the way u guys are feeling- sometimes I do not realize that I am yelling and being an a** sometimes.... but after reading that I do think my teen deserves alot more credit and less yelling too... You have said it so well in your question and maybe when your parents are in a calm state and not upset , try telling them the way you worded it here or find a way for them to read it- They may be going through a hard time that they are keeping from you but non the less you guys are taking the venting out side , u know the old saying a scapgoat?, or it could be that the way u 2 "say " the comments back to them it may come off as being like them and then u all are in a catch 22 - I know they love you both if they didn't they wouldn't care at all, but as a parent I do know that we need to give and let go and temper ourselves to help our babes learn to do the same when it becomes time for them to have a family- as far as allowance- ours do not have one either but they get all they need and some of what they want, unless they are rich be grateful that u have what u need and the most is them there, in time I hope it will be better and let them know okay? That is the first step! Lots of luck and thoughts for all of u! (sorry so long!)

Answer 4

poor punkins -- i grew up in a similar home. every night my mom would stand in the hall inbetween the bedroom doors and scream for hours.

i really can't give any good advice because i don't think anything you say or do will stop the screaming. i can tell you that while it may seem like a permanent situation it is kind of temporary and soon you will be out on your own.

your parents have to want to settle their issues themselves nothing you can do will help them settle their issues for them. never forget through this whole thing that they are the adults and you are the kids -- its their problem and not yours.

if you live in a large area try finding an alateen group or when you are older go to alanon. they are set up primarily for alcoholic families but the abuse you are experiencing is very much the same and they will gladly accept and help you.

i am assuming you are the older child so my biggest advice would be love your brother and learn to take comfort in each other.

if you have a friend who you think you can talk to their mom or dad about the situation feel free to do so. my aunt was a big help in getting me to really understand i was normal and my parents needed serious help (which they never got because they thought they were perfect and above it).

Answer 5

I really do recommend what someone above suggested - seek your school counselor. You totally don't deserve to put up with constant criticism and hostility at home. No one deserves that amount of stress, especially when you haven't even done anything wrong in the first place. No offense, but it'd be such a positive step forward for your family if your parents received professional help. Maybe family therapy could allow you all to talk and resolve your issues and conflicts.

Answer 6

Leave.

It will be difficult, however, there are youth serving agencies in most cities that can help you with housing, remaining in school and supporting yourself -- even through to attending college and university.

Report them.

If you are concerned for your parents abuse report them to the authorities. Most cities have child protection services. Verbal abuse is damaging.

Some families need mediation.

Ask for protection.

The child protection agency have the power to remove you from the home and place in your an option where you can receive the dignity and respect that you deserve.

This is your parent's problem. A parent who yells is a child who is no longer in control of their emotions.

The right to have children does include the right to abuse those children.

Please email with your city and I will be happy to help you to locate resources. You are still a citizen. You still have rights.

If you parents cannot behave as adults then, someone needs to step in.

Answer 7

Sweetie- Remind your Mom and Dad that you are almost an adult and talk in a calm adult voice. Tell her the stress her yelling has but you and your brother under. Sometimes kids have to be the adult and remind parents that they are getting older. BTW I am 43 with a 20 yr. old and a 12 yr. old. Good Luck.

Answer 8

Whoa, I am exactly in the same situation, except my brother is older and he already moved out, so that leaves me as an easy target. My parents have always found some flaw in me, even if its one tiny slip up. I've already lost my moms trust in most things, but it seems that they have given up, given that I just sort of stopped caring. I mean yeah, I'll sit there and take it all in, but then my moms guilty conscience of pissing me off gets to her, shes at that age where she is constantly jumping from mood to mood. It comes with age, I know, but it got really annoying.
I spoke to my parents too though, I told them how I felt about them yelling at me, and it also lessened. Try talking to them, hoping that it works... good luck!!

Answer 9

Try writing her a letter. If that doesn't help, then maybe you should tell one of your teachers. You know, someone who you could trust who wouldn't go and directly call the police or something like that. Just go up to them and ask some advice from them.

Answer 10

Sounds like they're testing ya bcuz some parents do sumthin unexpectedly to get u ready to become an adult and wanna see how you will handle the situation.But if thats not it then tell some one that u trust that could handle this situation.