Do we really choose partners to heal our childhood wounds?

Question

I started to read a book by Dr. Hendrix "Getting the love you want". Interesting reading as it explains why we choose the people we do. I find it scary, though, because it is true. I definetely feel that my husband does stir up the worst pain from my childhood. Being romantic by nature I find it hard to accept that love is just that - healing your wounds. Then what? What if my partner does not want to understand any of what is going on? What do you think?

Answer 1

Interesting. I am more of a Freud fan. We marry the people that remind us of our parents.

Answer 2

I don't believe in all cases that this is true. Now, I didn't have a great childhood. Not great at all!1 But I did end up falling in love with a man who after a few months became totally abusive in all aspects. He stabbed me in 2004 and for the first time I wasn't afraid of him any longer. I finally had the chance to get away. When I met my boyfriend of 2 years now I DID NOT want anyone lol. Love just kind of came up and bit us in the butts before we even realized it. Then when we did it was like whoa lol. But here we are 2 years later and a child on the way. My daughter (from my marriage) truly loves this man and we are very happy. I don't blame my parents for my up bringing and we get along great now. The past is in the past. The things I have been through helped me become who I am today and a much stronger person. I can truly appreciate life now. I think these things happened so when I met my soulmate I would appreciate him and never take a minute of life for granted. That is just my opinion though.

Answer 3

Unfourtunatly many people do. This is really a shame because the past should have no influance on your future. Why people keep beating themselves up over something that is long gone is beond my comprehensicion.
It's time we all just get over it, and get on with it!
The best partner a person can choose is one that will love them reguardless of what they've done in the past. Someone who is encourging, inspiring, and kind. If you are what I call and emotionally dependant person, I wouldn't have anything to do with you. I find people like that very depressing and sad. Don't let the baggage of your past crap all over the one you like or are considering for a long term relationship. If the baggage is so heavy you can't rid yourself of it, seek proffesional help. Many people are so messed up they think self-help book will cure them of a serious problem. Then when the books fail, they fall deeper into the pitty potty, just hoping some mirical relationship will flush all their problems away.
What Dr. Hendrix is saying is true, thats why it's so sad the way people act out of ignorance in the choices they make instead of learning to know themselves better. Everyone is so caught up in the crap this world is throwing at us that their blind to who they really are or even what they need.
Most people find it hard to tell the differance between a want and a need and suffer more for it.
Just take more time to get to know the real you. Be honiest with yourself and evryone around you. Don't get caught up in what everyone else thinks about you or your past. Just be you. Then when you come to the realization that only you can be your own best friend, life will have blissful peace and meaning for you.

Answer 4

pop psychology and book are often great reads, people can relate to it and love it but possess little actual substance.

People who are past focus often have difficulty with being present which is what really love is really about, being present and having a connection. Getting your past stirred up is not about your husband, it is about you and your issues.

Love is not about the past and I think that healing woulds would make love fleeting as once the wound is healed, the love would end. Working out your own issues independently rather then through the relationship would be the best way to really put your marriage first rather then your past.

Answer 5

I think it's quite true for women. Seen the whole missing daddy/abusive daddy syndrome thing many times. Where they either go after way older men, abusive men, or both in the super combo special.

For myself, I don't think it's true. I just want to find a woman with similar interests with an equal level of passion and intelligence. While at the same time looking at least somewhat attractive.

Answer 6

i have heard thisbefore, i think its true to a degree we seek what we know and what we are comfortable with even if it is a bad comfort. kindof like saying i will never be like my mom then u have your own kids and what happens you start teachingt hem everything she taught you. same with picking a spouse you seek what you lack and what u find comfort in understanding. i hope that makes some sense. as far as the spouse not wanting to give into that theory keep in mind maybe his childhood was based on you are what u are , and the man should not be in tune with the female side of things ..good luck

Answer 7

its so hard to say what people want when they choose a partner. some say you marry your opposite sex parent while others say you are attracted to symtrical features and basic instinct. sometime past experiences dissuade you form dating simlair people to exs. love is impossible to pin point and as long as your happy it shouldnt matter why you feel that way unless its damaging to you or your partner.

Answer 8

Everyone wants to get a theory about why we love who we do. Try a good marriage therapist- no matter why you chose him, you can work through the pain. Love is unexplainable. Keep being romantic.

Answer 9

It may start that way, because we love the comfort they may show...but no one person can heal your wounds, you have to do that yourself.

Answer 10

yes
looking for humane side to make oneself believe that it was wrong assessment at that time

to correct how could i be wrong at that time because that person meant something close to you