I've tried an iambic pentameter sonnet here. Please temme how you'll find it and whether it's worth anything

Question

An Empty Room

An empty room is all that’s left in me
Bereft of life and all that makes it home,
And since you left, its just a memory
Just spaces now, where once you used to roam.

A thought does steal across my troubled brow,
A feeling creeps yet in my failing heart,
But still the emptiness does not allow
Even hope to strike a spark and start.

But yet, my stubborn will cannot accept
That you are gone, and all the lights are out.
My destiny! Its promise has not kept;
Or has it? In me springs an innate doubt.

Though doubt may now have filled that empty space,
My heart yet pleads for you to take your place.

Answer 1

Excellent! One suggestion though:
"But still the emptiness does not allow
The slightest hope to strike a spark and start."
You've definitely got the rythym down. Trust me--sonnets are my middle name. :)

Answer 2

This is lovely. You have real talent as well as technical ability to write sonnets - this one is a classic, almost perfect, Shakespearean sonnet, with the first line providing the idea being explored, a volta at Line 9, and a summarising heroic couplet. Physically, the rhyme, meter and scansion are all almost spot on - with some minor refinements, though, these too can be easily polished up...

The material in this poem reminds me of the poem "Dust and Ashes" ( at the bottom of this page: http://theland.antgear.com/poetry.html) which you might like to look at to refine your ideas and imagery.

I'm adding you as a Contact in the hope of reading more of your sonnets. :)

Answer 3

This is very good.

You missed a syllable at "Even hope to strike a spark and start" but I think you have a fantastic grasp of iambic pentameter.

It may not lead to much - the literary world is strewn with talents that never made it because of extraneous circumstances.

However, I think talent must be applauded and so I applaud you. This is excellent work.

Answer 4

Hiya


Yes this is good and keeps its theme and shape nicely - I like it.

Answer 5

You sound bummed out man. Do you need to take a pooh?

Answer 6

i like it