abusive parents, married people PLEASE HELP?

Question

Theres this guy, sam (fake name) that im with, and i just found out that his parents are divorced bc his dad was abusive. would that make sam an abusive person? hes 26 and very sweet, but still. are u married to someone who had abusive parents? how did they treat you? do u notice anything about their temper? please elaborate as much as you can! thank you in advance!

oh and we JUST started dating, so thats why i havent really seen to many of his "sides"

Answer 1

I was in the EXACT same situation. My husband (now 27) was raised in an extremely abusive household, both his mother and his stepfather. They beat him, neglected him, and finally kicked him out when he was 16.

I worried the same thing as you while we dated, but that's why it's so important to date for awhile and see him in as many situations as possible. I wrecked my husband's (then he was my bf) Audi and he just shrugged it off. An abusive person would have been mean or yelled or even gotten violent. One weekend we babysat my twin nephews and they were handfulls, and he never got annoyed or lost his temper. Not that he has never gotten mad, but it was never anything that had the potential to turn into an abusive situation.

The things you need to watch out for with Sam as you date (because remember people are on their best behavior while they're dating) are lots of yelling, putting you down, getting violent, not necessarily with you but that could be throwing things, punching walls, etc. Also listen to your gut. If something is telling you something's not right, proceed with caution.

I can see where you would be worried, but don't judge him by his parents just yet. Somtimes (as was my husband's case), his childhood was a good example of how NOT to be.

Answer 2

This is off on a tangent, but bear with me.

My dad is a heavy smoker, but you couldn't pay me enough to start smoking. By being exposed to it at an early age, I found that it was something that I never wanted to be a part of.

I am sorry that "sam" had to grow up in an abusive household, but maybe he'll have the same reaction. He will know firsthand better than anyone the damage it can cause, and be more determined not to commit the sins of the father.

Answer 3

I dated someone once who came from an abusive father and he was abusive verbally sometime physically so I would say it can run in the family and he had a very bad temper . I ran like hell out of that relationship and he kept trying to get back with me . No i am sorry you need to stay away at the first sign of trouble . Dont look back either .

Answer 4

Yes that is a big factor in a relationship with someone that was in an abusive home. I had three boyfriends (not at one time) but they had abusive not all phsycally but emotionally. They would be all nice in the very beginning, but once they passed their comfort stage they let it all out. They will act the way they were brought up. A child will learn to act the way he see's his parents acting. I dealt with a child at a daycare that would take a little girl and hold her down and hump her. This was a few years ago, but we had to report it. Turns out the child saw his father do it to his mother (whether they were in the bedroom, ect.) but yes what you are asking is true 90% of the time. I would try and see what happens. If the relationship tries to get rocky then talk with his mom. You have to learn to control people like this. But i hope the best for you.

Answer 5

God gave women intuition use it. The fact he had an abusive up bringing doesn't mean he will be that way. I was brought up in a very abusive up bringing,( beaten, raped, mom killed) I chose to learn from that and determined not to become that. I am by no means perfect but, I dealt with it.My kids have a better up bringing. Just something to add people who use their childhood as a reason to behave or mistreat people badly are just plain cruel. It is possible to get over it, you may never forget it but, you can be all you can be!!!! Trust me I've been through every type of abuse there is and allowed it to strengthen me and used it as what not to become.Good Luck.
~Angel~

Answer 6

Be cautious about his temper...watch how he reacts to conflict and hostility.

But just because his parents were abusive doesn't mean that he will be. Some people from such homes become complete avoiders of conflict. Won't raise their voice. Won't fight. Will let you have your way all the time. Anything to not ratchet up the tension in the relationship and risk the yelling or the hitting or the emotional abuse.

Answer 7

Abusive is an overused word. What kind of abuse? Physical as beating up everybody? Verbal as yelling at everybody? Substance as in alcohol and drugs? Affairs and abuse are commonly cited as reasons for divorce.

Kids from divorced families stand higher chances of being divorced later but it is not 100%. People don't get that way until they are under pressure and later in their age.

As the saying goes,if you constantly look hard enough, you will find something. But what good is it to do that in a relationship?

Answer 8

Ive seen couples where the guys dad was abuseive and ya the guy ended up being that way too. Not at first, but down the line when the relationship got stressful and the wife was pretty much trapped. People learn what they see. period. Unless his parents divorced when he was very young or he has had counseling, then ya i would be worried.

Answer 9

You can't judge a person that quick, especially if you are just starting to get to know him or started dating him. That's wrong & you shouldn't do that. Just because his Dad was abusive, it does NOT mean he will be too. My best advice is, get to know him first, don't expect the worse & don't judge him based on his family past (which may I add is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS in the first place). Don't even talk about that with him, don't bring it up. Don't ever a judge a person, unless you are in their shoes. Give it some time to get to know him, later on if he does become abusive, then you will know. Right now, you can't & shouldn't say anything. Be more positive about things, you don't know if he could be the one.

Answer 10

Well my hubby came from an abusive home, and he despised his Dad for what he did to his Mom. He would never hurt me, or my daughter. He was fortunate to be a strong man and not repeat this behavior. Is your man close to his Mom, if so, you probably don't have to worry. You can probably figure out his views on women without offending or making it obvious that you are concerned. Good Luck.