Should I, a 38 year old woman, be with a 20 year old man? We have been living together since he was 19.?

Question

Before that we were just friends. He moved into my house as an 18 year old. He was just a boarder. Paid his share of the rent, and did his share of household chores.

Then we moved to Toronto together, again only as roommates. But apparently he had fantasies. And he chased me, and wore me down.

He would continuously declare his love for me, and how he wanted more, and how our friendship was so fantastic, that a relationship would be better.

I caved in, I'm still happy. But sometimes the age difference scares me!

Now he wants to get married. How long should I make him wait? I told him if he feels the same way at 25, then I would, is that reasonable? I am in love with him, but so much so, I could give him up, I am hoping by the time he's 25 he'll see the age difference and move on. I can't push him away, I'm hoping he grows away. He is completely aware that I cannot, and would not have or raise any more children.

Philip, I've asked myself and him that question many times. What will happen to him when I die? But then he asks me the same thing. What will happen to me when he dies? My mother's first husband (my Dad) was the same age as her. He died at 44 she was a widow at 42. She remarried a man 15 years her senior. He outlived her. He's still alive, and my Mom (his spring chicken) died at 65, he's 79. Both of them thought she would outlive him.

So I guess what I'm saying, is I don't think I will necessarily die first just because I'm older.

Answer 1

I think it is unfair for you to assume he won't be able to handle it. Don't think negatively about it. You have to take a chance. He quite possibly knows what he is talking about. You shouldn't feel bad about the age difference. He is able to make his own decisions. You should stop worrying and enjoy your relationship!!! Look at it this way, there are no gurantees for any couple to stay together. Even when ages perfectly match up, couples break up or divorce daily. You should start counting yourself lucky you have someone that cares so much for you. I would not let age dictate what you do in this case. That isn't fair to him. And if you are thinking these things, what kind of negative energy are you bringing to the relationship? I am firm in my belief that if someone loves you, and has shown their love for you, You should accept that. I would wait on the marriage for a couple of years. Not because of age, but because it is good for any couple not to rush into it. That is why our divorce rates are what they are. I am sure there are many successful couples with big age gaps. So stop worrying and go enjoy the man that says he loves you, and take it one day at a time. There are never any gurantees for any of us. No matter who we are and what are age might be. ENJOY your life!!!!! Tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

Answer 2

Look girl....I'm 26 and when I was 24, I was engaged to an 18 year old. Everything was wonderful!!! However, I knew that he was WAY too young for marriage and that he should date some other people and do some living before settling down. Otherwise, he might get into it and then realize that he had missed out. Also, how would he ever know if he truly loved me in the first place? So, I let him go. I figured that if it really was love, that it would always be there. Well, he moved back to Colorado (I'm in Delaware) and he called me all the time at first. Then he got a new younger girlfriend last July and the phone calls have completely stopped. Turns out he wasn't truly in love with me, maybe just the idea of being in love with an older woman.

My point is, you need to give him some room. That's the only way you will ever know the truth. I mean, you are certainly old enough to know what you want out of life, but he isn't. Set him free and see if he comes back. It's the only way.

Answer 3

People stay or leave for a miriad of reasons. Just because a person is a different age than you are doesn't gaurantee the success or failure of a relationship, that has to do with interpersonal matters that people nurture or neglect, etc.

Just because someone your own age could run off with another person, or just because they could get stepped on an elephant, or realized that their sexual dynamic was more suited for a different orientation at any given time in their life, would this prevent you from dating? At this rate, you wouldn't date anyone.

So, my question is, if you have feelings for each other, why would you let age get in the way?

Answer 4

I think you should hold off on getting married until he is older and knows for sure this is what he wants. He may still be immature enough to make such a decision and you don't want a failing marriage. I don't think the age difference should matter by then. The only real difference is the maturity level and if you are both ok with it then I think you should stay together, but if it is an issue and something you both can't seem to get over then maybe you should rethink your relationship.

Answer 5

Yeah, that's just a little eery but you technically are not doing anything legally wrong. The answer is entirely too complicated to be answered on here, there are many things to take into consideration such as the biggy, children. If you wait too long to make this decision you may not be able to give him children, does he want children, do you have grown children, do you have children at all, do you even want children, if you have children would you feel comfortable enough one of them bringing home a partner who was old enough to be their parent. That's just one issue and look at all the questions to be addressed.

Answer 6

That's so not my cup of tea .... I firmly believe that the man I date/ marry should be up to 5 years older than I ... or up to two years younger than me. Out of this range you're eithor a "Nurse" or a "Baby-sitter" ... I just want a husband with whom I'm going to SHARE a life with and walk with during the good and bad times.

Although I havn't seen many women dating younger men ... I have know many men dating younger women ... and the warning I give these men is ... "I've seen the vow 'in sickness & health' broken during terminal illnesses." Women in their 30's-40's don't take death well, and leave the man to die alone ... ah, so I would guess this crime against love be tempting to a man too.

However each is unique ... and you're the one with the power to decide if this is a healthy relationship for you and him.

Have you seen the movie, "Prime" with Uma Thermon???

Answer 7

Now you are asking for justification, you seem to be very aware of what is going on and what will happen in the future. Life is to be lived, you say you are happy, so as long as you have the relationship you have had for a while, what everyone else thinks is not relevant. What is age, it is a number, to justify a length of existence, the key word here is existence and a happy existence is truly a Blessing. God Bless.

Answer 8

What is the problem with that? It's no-one else's business, but yours.

You don't have to rush in to marriage though, it can completely change a relationship. If you are happy with the way things are going at the moment, carry on as you are.

I'm sure many women would love to be in your shoes!

HTH : )

Answer 9

i think that age is only a number as long as it's legal and he is of legal age and if you love him and he loves you that should be all that matters but i would make sure with him that he doesn't mind that you can't have any more kids but if thats what he wants then i would go for it you seem happy in this relationship let it play out on it's own try not to worry so much just let it go i wish you the best of luck in your decision
Sincerly Sara

Answer 10

I say you have a chance of breaking up in the future with any relationship. He is an adult so, if you two are happy then there is no wrong or right! It's love and that's all that matters. As in any relationship get married when the time is right!! Congrads to the both of you!! I wish you both a very happy, healthy life!