Marital Problems?

Question

My husband works for a prison facility and it requires a lot of his time and energy. When he comes home he's so furustrated with work and all the crap the inmates give him he doesn't have time for me (it seems like). I dont work I take care of my grandmother (whom is sick with Alzihmers) she reqiures 24/7 care and I give that to her. I dont know if it's both our stressfull jobs, but it seems like all we do is fight! What do you suggest we do?

Answer 1

I can relate to this problem. My father worked at a prison and he came home just the same. My mom worked for a very huge BUTT HOLE. and she was already sick of Him when she came home. I would just suggest as everyone else to really take some time off for the two of you. My parents arent together I dont want to know that you and your hubby didn't make it either. Life is a JOB and a job will always be a pain, you need to enjoy the one you love. (i'll say a prayer for you) good luck

Answer 2

You both need to schedule some time for just yourselves. At least once a month anyway. Get someone to take over for a day with your grandma and have your husband take a day off. Then just get completely out of town and go somewhere where you can unwind and just enjoy each other's company. It's stressful to have the responsibilities you do and it is obviously getting to the both of you. That's why you fight. You just happen to have each other to vent on. Which can be a bad thing when it gets to be too much. In the meantime, next time you start to fight, pay close attention to what the fight is really about. Is it petty? You need to both sit down and talk it over to start with. You both realizing this is what is happening will help. So talk with your husband about it. Let him know you understand that he is stressed. Let him know that you are too. But let him know how much you love him and don't want this to come between you both. It will take some time to work it all out. Realizing it is only the first step. Good luck. My best wishes to you both.

Answer 3

I wouldnt be the best person to go to for help on this. I am not married nor do i have many years under my belt (18). But being that you love this man, and you dont want anything bad to happen. I would say that both of you need a break, take a vacation or some kind of get away. have your grandma be take care of by a nursing home or some other arangement just for the durration of your trip, or if that long of a time isnt possible, go on a date. Have your hubby take an eavning off of work if possible and go out for the night. Get back in touch. It will take to willing spirits to bring back some good happyness. That means starting with you. If you can, try to be understanding with how his work is, It sounds like you do already, but just relize that he will be stressed and not to put yourself in fighting terms. Have a talk with him about how things are going on and how you would like to make improvements. Just be happy and be nice, that should help. I hope to some day get married with a wonderful perfect woman and when I do I will love my wife untill the end.

Answer 4

Take a holiday together. You need to devote some time to your relationship and forget the things that aren't as important for a while. Hire a nurse for your grandmother for a while if there is no one else to take care of her. In the long term you also both need to come up with a plan to set aside regular time for just the two of you. And don't fight! Communicate properly, without yelling or blaming. There are ways to make your feelings known without fighting.

Answer 5

The best answer I can give you is to walk a mile in his shoes. All he deals with everyday is the lower than low lifes... In the world. I would suggest understanding that both are of you are stress out at what you both do. I would suggest a date night. Maybe on his day off or a good time for both of you. That way you can get the attention you need. That way he will not feel like he is under pressure to deal with work and with you ( no offense). A guy wants to unwind after work. Give him time to walk in the door. Let him grab a beer a smoke before you hit him with home problems. Trust me you will see an improvement... Let me know how things work... big L

Answer 6

you both need a break together.... ALONE. you should see if he can get some time off and if another relative or friend could care for your grandmother. Once the stress builds up the fighting starts and doesnt stop. The only thing that I have found that works is for both to get away from the stess for a short while and just focus on eachother

Answer 7

I just asked my hubby what he wanted me to do to stop the fighting. It turned out that when we were first married I used to come up to him and smother him with kisses and all kinds of questions about his day. Well when he got a new job with a high stress level (and people asking him questions all day long) he found that when he came home and I started asking him about his day it was really annoying to him (after answering questions all day long). It hurt to hear that the reason he was being so short with me was something that I had been doing for years now just annoyed him to no end. But I wanted to make our marriage better so I swallowed my pride and asked what I could do. ( I still wanted to know about his day, and he still wanted to tell me about it) So we decided that I would give him a half an hour after he got home just for him. He could do what ever he wanted to relax and unwind and then I would talk to him about his day. After he was realxed and his mind was calm from all the days annoyances at work.

We seem to be back to our old selves again now that he has time to relax. Oh yeah also I asked the same of him. Take over the house for me for just that half an hour after I get off of work too. You need a little time to yourself as well it's only fair.

Answer 8

Well, what are you fighting about? If it is day to day little things then forget about it get to the stuff that is really bothering you. If it is the big stuff, then learn to fight more effectively.
When you hear on the news about someone being shot over a video game or a husband and wife beating each other over the laundry, I guarantee you that neither event has anything to do with King Cupa or fabric softener. The first probably has to do with pride and the other is probably about self esteem. Without knowing you, your husband, or your issues, I’d bet your fights are probably about self respect and control.
You are performing a selfless task and he probably minimizes the importance and difficulty of your life. He is performing a mid-paying, thankless job that he is emotionally ill-suited for and you probably try to empathize with his plight in a way that comes off as ignorant to him. Guess what. You are both completely wrong and completely right simultaneously.
I’d need to know more about you to get specific, but I think a general rule that applies to your situation would be: back off.
You have no idea what he is going through. You can guess at it if you’d like, but unless you switched bodies for a day, you can’t really understand the internal impact his job and your relationship has on him. Don’t try. Be supportive, but Don’t over-empathize.
Likewise, he has no idea what you are going through. Women internalize so much and integrate extraneous stressors in a way that is completely foreign to a man. Don’t expect him to understand you and Don’t expect him to react the way you want him to. Use nonverbal communication to show when you need support. Most men respond better to that than the way most women verbalize their needs.
DO NOT FIGHT TO WIN! One of the most damaging ideas tat society jams into our heads is the notion that conflicts occur when one person is right and the other is wrong. This is so rarely the case as to be a statistical improbability. You are absolutely right by your perspective and he is right by his. That’s not to say that standing up for your opinion is useless, but to say that fighting to win your perspective is useless.
Instead, fight to improve. Realize that he thinks you are wrong, realize that you will not convince him otherwise. Fight to express your view, not to get him to agree with it. Listen while fighting and find points of mutual agreement.
Lastly, Don’t wait until you are arguing to express your true feelings. Bring it up when things are stable. If it causes a fight, back off and try another time. Nothing will be resolved amid-fight. Talking when things are calm can work wonders. I know that you are loathe to disturb the brief peace when it occurs, but the benefits can far exceed the risk.

Answer 9

This is really hard. You need to try and communicate more with each other and express your feelings so that you are on the same page. Both of you have stressful situations so insted of being cranky with each other try to work together. Have a night out where it is just about the two of you. Trust me it can do wonders for a relationship.

Answer 10

It is the stress you are both under ( im a female guard in an all male prison... i can understand) You guys need to get back to basics.... It's very cliche' but you two need to have a "date night" every now and again.... get dressed up, hold hands giggle etc, like you did in the begining............ you did do that in the begining din't cha!!?!? Find someone you trust to take care of your grandmother (no need to feel guilty, thats a lot of responsibility) and enjoy being with one another