What can i add to make this better..to make it catch the readers attention...???
“ Carmen”the host announced . At that the moment my heart leaped into my chest and my head began to spin , I thought that I would never make it up to that podium. As I waited for the host to instruct the lighting team, I look out into the audience for the first time. All eyes were on me. I became self conscious at the moment. I wonder what everyone was thinking how I looked.. As the lights dimmed, I thought to myself” this is it”. I looked up into the audience once more.
2007-05-16 13:03:32 · 6 answers · asked by carmenclassof06 4 in Education & Reference ➔ Homework Help
The first thing you need to do is get your subjects and verbs into agreement and punctuate your sentences right. There should be a period, not a comma after the word spin, for example. And I think you probably mean I looked, not I look."At the moment" is not necessary. Try, "I became self-conscious and wondered what everyone thought about how I looked."
2007-05-16 13:11:46 · answer #1 · answered by mommanuke 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Carmen”the host announced . At that the moment my heart leaped into my chest and my head began to spin , I thought that I would never make it up to the podium. As I waited for the emcee to cue the lighting team, I looked out into the audience for the first time. All eyes were on me. I became self conscious at that very moment. I wonder what everyone was thinking. Were they impressed with how I looked? Or were they disappointed? It was difficult to think straight. Even my breathing came in shallow gasps. The lights dimmed and I thought to myself; This is it”. I looked up into the see the crowd once more.
2007-05-16 20:11:20 · answer #2 · answered by meredith 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
“Carmen,” the host announced. At that moment my heart leaped out of my chest and my head began to spin. Seconds dragged by like hours as I got up. I thought that I would never make it up to that podium. As I waited for the host to instruct the lighting team, I looked out onto the audience for the first time. A sea of curious eyes, all of them on me. Overwhelmingly, I became self conscious at the moment. I wondered how everyone thought about my looks.. As the lights dimmed, I thought to myself, "This is it”. I looked at audience once more.
2007-05-16 20:08:36 · answer #3 · answered by Kelly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At the moment, it catches my attention because of bad punctuation and some misplaced words ("At that the moment"). Did you read over this at all before posting it online for us to edit?
Anyway, here's some fixes:
"Carmen", the host announced
I thought to myself, "this is it".
Remember, commas before/after speech marks, and no spaces between the opening quotation mark and the first word of quote!
2007-05-16 20:09:03 · answer #4 · answered by Confucius 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds fine the way it is
2007-05-16 20:08:01 · answer #5 · answered by Jew_Juice 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
when you start you do that so make a new one.
2007-05-16 20:06:06 · answer #6 · answered by alessio m 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋