Getting "OVER IT" Am I UPTIGHT?

Question

I love MY husband BUT everytime we argue... I think of all hes done to me even BEFORE we were married. And that builds sooooo much anger and hostility, so much that I cannot even look at him. I dont know if this is normal to have that and worse sometimes I throw it back in his face..all that he's done to hurt me. I sometimes ponder and think and get mad all over again..I love him BUT i hate feeling anger and hatred towards him. I get up, go to work, think of whatever and get distant w/him. When we argue we both say things we dont mean but I ponder on EVERYTHING HE SD!! Any suggestions?

Answer 1

*I think it's time you need to accept that what's been done and said in your past with him, is to be left in the PAST. It's all done and over with now and bringing it up again and again now is not doing you any good it's only making the tension between you and your husband thicker.*

.Also I think when you're angry with him you need to go somewhere where you can be alone and you need to ponder the situation to yourself. And ask yourself some questions like:
"Why am I THIS upset over what were arguing about?"
"Is there a way I can solve this by talking to him?"
"Has being angry like this ever gotten me anywhere when weve fought before?"
"Is it worth all my emotions to react this way over this silly little arguement?"

**So basically, you need to let the past go...it's all been done. No matter how upset you are with him, bringing it up and trying to rub it in his face is not going to change what's already happened....is it?** No, it will not.

~And like when you argue, he probably retaliates and says mean and hurtful things to you as well. Granted he may not mean what he says, but in the heat of the moment...it seems like the right thing...kind of like when you bring up the past to him. You might feel it's legit at the time, but later you know damn well it isn't and never was.

*Next time this happens, take a minute to yourself and breathe....and THINK before you say anything to him that you know you will end up regretting later.
.It's imperative that you keep your cool, and after you've taken a breather...you can approach your husband and tell him how you feel and don't come off like you're attacking him either.

.I think as long as you think before you speak and you let the past stay in the past where it belongs and you start living for right now, and you worry about NOW....you'll be fine. And make sure you are the bigger person (whether you started the fight or not) and you apologize first.

**Good luck.

Answer 2

I think the reason you do this is becasue you haven't been able to completely heal from the things he has done to you....Once you married him, you then accepted the past and should have made the peace with your husband and with yourself to move on and to start new..... I'm not saying you should forget but, it's not fair to him that you can't deal or handle the past....You shouldn't have married him if you couldn't forgive him...I think you need to search within yourself the vows and promises you made to each other to help lead you....He married you for a reason. He probably realized your the best thing that has happened to him and that he didn't want to lose you.....If things have been good up to now and if he's doing his part as a husband then that should be the most important factor....You can't change the past but, you sure can fix the present......Best of Luck****
p.s. You also gave him a chance as well so that should stand for something being right.....

Answer 3

I don't answer very many of these, but you guys are just awash in a really bad relationship, and eachof you,.... your for sure, are harboring resentments, and hon, resentment just kills a marriage before anything else.

First, hon, no, you don't love this man... you love the IMAGE of what you would like him to be, and that ain't the same.

Secondly, you and he apparently don't know how to make your wishes known without the whole thing erupting into arguments... how sad for you both.... in arguments you are obviously trouncing on his ego, and he yours. And your mariage is eroding... and the thing is, it won't be much better with another person until you learn how to communicate.......

There is certainly a difference between, "Do you remember when you........ What a flucking jerk you have been... Are you tryng to be stupid? I have stayed here because I love you but goddamn, I just don't.........".

and " Ya know... Help me to see this, because I wish to understand what I am doing wrong, so that I can correct it.... I don't wish my feelings hurt, nor do I wish to hurt yours.... when can we discuss this....... that is bothering me?"

In this second case you have not attacked him, nor pulled up the past (deadly in a relationship) just let him know that you have concerns.... And that is not an argument. Unfortunately, we do not teach communication in hs, and lots of people who go to college never take a course in it, or in counseling.

You asked for some suggestions:

Since you guys aren't really communicating, make a list of the things that are bothering you.... him too. Then go see a counselor. Go alone if he won't go.... In two or three sessions, you can learn how to convey your needs and wishes without rage... worth every dime, hon.

Answer 4

you better learn to get over that and quit being so uptight or by the time you are married 10-15 years, you will have such a long list of things to be mad about your arguments will last a week......that is too stressful a way to live........

You both should learn how to have a disagreement (note, not an argument). When people argue, no one listens, when people have a conversation and disagree; both parties listen and attempt to understand the others point of view; doesn't mean they have to agree with it, but they are listening..... and think before you speak....words are a terrible weapon and cannot be taken back.,

Answer 5

It is quite obvious that it is not healthy to argue the way you are. Argue only about what is the issue now, not sixty past issues. Calling names and saying nasty things is childish. Have more respect for each other and get some counseling. You won't last long the way you are going if you don't.

Answer 6

Your building up a TON of resentment. If you two want to survive is going to take some counseling, just so there is somebody there to stop you guys when things get out of hand and you start saying things you don't mean. Which builds more resentment. Find somebody neutral and talk, don't fight.

Good luck!

Answer 7

We can all sit here and tell you all day long to just get over it, but you already know that. You know it is wrong to obsess over the past, yet you still do it, so how is us or anyone else just saying "Just get over it" going to help.

You really need to consider seeing a professional. Talk to your doctor and get a recommendation. You might have other issues from your past that are keeping you in your past. A professional can give you long term solutions to this obsessive behavior.

Answer 8

I know exactly how you feel, I feel the same way, and my friends and well wisher tell me to let it go, nice advises but when I am mad I get it all back, its easy said then done, sometimes I wish I had a magic wand or an eraser to make it all go away, but I guess not, "IF" you find the remedy to it, please cosider me your friend and pass it down to me, I need help just the way you do, everything is sad.

Answer 9

no sense in looking at the past. hows that going to help your future? resentment is poison in a marriage

by the way.. men cant stand how women cant get over the past...

you live and you learn

Answer 10

You should have thought about all this before you married him. You really should learn to work thru this or you will ruin your marriage & drive your husband away.

If you think you made a mistake in marrying him then divorce him - don't make him continue to suffer.