How do I forgive my husband and learn to trust that the same thing won't happen again?

Question

About 8 months ago my husband was conducting himself improperly and I found out. When he was confronted he lied through his teeth until he realized I knew everything, then he came clean. He said he didn't physically cheat on me with this other person. I thought we had this great relationship and now I feel betrayed. This was a huge wakeup call for me and how I pictured our relationship. Anytime I ask him questions about it he either answers what he wants or avoids the questions. I thought I would be able to get over this but I can't seem to trust or forgive him. He says it will never happen again, it was "out of character" for him but I don't believe it. I would have never expected this from him. Everyone keeps telling us to go to counseling but that is not an option at this time. How do I deal with this?

Answer 1

It's not about you doing something - it's about him doing something.

He has to take extreme steps to make sure you [a] know where he is at all times [b] have all his passwords and info [c] can be contacted at all times [d] know he has no secrets.

[a] - if he can't answer the phone, take a photo of himself with his cell in front of a sign of where he is supposed to be (work, gym, whatever) and send it to you then he doesn't want to be with you.

[b] if he will not write down all of his email, voicemail, phone keypad, and other passwords, he doesn't mean business

if he does not want you to install a piece of "key logging" software on your computer to track his every step on the interent, then he wants you to dump him because he is not serious.

[c] if he is always "misplacing" his phone or "having it on vibrate" or "turning it off by accident" then he is not serious and he wants you to leave him.

[d] if he holds back any info about his 'other' life, then he wants you to dump his sorry a*ss because he is not serious.

Even with all that - it will still be tough. But if he won't agree to these things in 15 seconds, and I am not kidding about that time, then it's time to go. For good. Virtually *all* cheaters NEVER CHANGE.

Answer 2

My first question that I have for you is do you have children together? I have a little story for you, it takes place in 1982. Once upon a time there was an 18 year old girl and a 19 year old boy. They proclaimed their love to each other. Though they were still very young they decided to put their face to the wind and take it all in and get married. After three years the boy decided that he didn’t want to be married any more. His poor expectant wife, wanted to work things out. He decided "hey since we are planning on getting divorced after the baby is born I can start sleeping with other women." The poor expectant woman knows what’s going on the whole time, he ends up getting another woman pregnant. He realizes what he's done is wrong and chooses to stay with his wife. Well his wife was not quite sure how to take this. After months and months of thinking she decided that she did want to learn to trust him again. And to this day they are still married with 2 kids, and one half siblings in the mix. My mom left my dad twice after he cheated on her; it took her taking me away to make him realize that he really did want to be with her. I think that you need to take some time and figure out if you are going to be able to trust him again. It seems as if he has done this to you before; but only you can decide this. Not your friends, not your family. Only you. If you feel like it can be worked out suggest counseling. If the two of you have already given up, it might be a bit harder to mend.

Answer 3

I am going through the same thing in my marriage... You wont make it until you forgive and forget... not many women can forget... If you don't then every time you get into the smallest argument you WILL bring it up and the situation will just escalate from there... If you cant forgive leave! Counseling is for people that cant handle the truth... The truth in your case is he cheated, get over it! Now He needs to understand that in order for you to get past what he did, you need to know everything down to the smallest detail... If he loves you and wants to work it out he will abide and tell you everything that happened that night... If not he is a coward...

Answer 4

Good relationships are built on a foundation of trust. It's hard to trust someone that cheats on you physically or not. Sometimes an emotional cheat can hurt even more.
Of course he avoids talking about it, if he really loves you he will do everything he can to regain your trust and he should tell you that. If he thinks you can just sweep it under the carpet and act like it never happened he's only kidding himself. One can forgive but never forget. Most men won't council, you can go to help yourself to grow and learn how it would be best for you to deal with it. (there are a tremendous amount of women's support groups that are free) Be strong and remember, it's all about YOU.

Answer 5

I totally understand when you say counseling is not an option. Counseling is not free, people!!! And even if insurance covers it, you still have to pay co-insurance and co-pays...anyway, I hear you. Counseling is not always as easy as it sounds.

Until he tries to help you deal with this, you're not going to be able to. The only way to get past an affair is when BOTH people are willing to do what it takes to work on it. It sounds like he's not willing. I'm sorry this happened to you, I know how you feel. I hope he comes around eventually and realizes that he needs to help you through this by answering your questions and understanding your feelings.

Answer 6

Forgiving him will take a very long time. I've been in the same situation about 5 yrs ago with my husband. It happened with 2 different women and to top it off one of them was my friend and she was the wife of his friend. I was pregnant at the time and didnt want to deal my emotions. After I had the baby I freaked. I couldnt even trust him when he would leave to put gas in the car. Things are very different now and he hasnt cheated on me since then but I still think about it everyday of my life. My heart literly feels like its breaking all over again. It feels like I'm drowning. He understands it hurt me but he gets mad because I never got over it. I feel like if he meets the right woman and is given the chance to cheat again, he would. Most men will try to find a way out of the question and lie about it. I remember I snuck into her apartment and found my husband with her in her room in the dark with his pants unzipped. I confronted both of them and got into a fight with her and he still denied it. It is a wound that never heals. You can only get over it if you take it one day at a time and pray to God to help you to forgive him with time. Some days I do good and pray about it. Somedays I wonder if she was any better than me in bed and wonder did he think about me at all. Its hard but it depends on how strong you are.

Answer 7

From self experience, it is really hard to get over. Forgive, yes. But getting over it is hard and takes a lot of time, communication, and more time. Forgeting that it happened is impossible. The thing you have to remember is that it was his indiscretion not yours. Also remember that no matter how much you love someone, you will never be the person they want you to be and vice versa. You have to make the decision if it is worth it to try to stick in there with him. You also have to realize that only you can make yourself happy...

Answer 8

Well either he cheated or he didn't, you should have been more specific so that we could answer better. You are being as evasive as you are accusing your husband of being. If he's truly sorry and won't ever do it again, he'll allow you to talk and ask as many questions as you like until you feel satisfied that it's over. My husband just lets me talk and talk and he'll answer the same question over and over and I'm sure it's annoying but he's trying to prove to me that I have nothing to be insecure about (this is about his ex trying to get him back). He's proven to me that he loves and wants me and when I get insecure about it, he lets me talk about it. If your husband is being evasive about it and doesn't really want to talk, that's not good. He should realize that HE messed up and should be willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel secure. Good luck.

Answer 9

Isay once a cheater always a cheater... No matter how much you love him, you can't let him take advantage of you... Stick up for yourself and remember that there are soooo many fish in the sea. Hope everything turns out fine.

Answer 10

Understand that the trust has been broke and it needs to be re-earned which will take time. Wounds eventually heal but will leave a scar.