Should I believe him?

Question

My boyfriend of three years and I are in the process of overcoming a long-term online affair that he had. It ended over six months ago. I'm probably much more jealous now than I should be, so I tend to get upset too easily over anything that involves another woman. Here's the situation: my boyfriend has just begun one-on-one scuba diving lessons with a woman instructor. I'm jealous of the time they spend together, but he tries to be understanding of that fact. However, yesterday, he went to the dive shop (which is in another town) to get equipment. I made a playful comment about him "going to see her" and he insisted he was just going to the shop and she would not be there. However, last night, I saw on his phone that he had called her. When I asked if he had seen or talked to her, he said no. I finally confessed that I saw his phone and he then told me that he had seen her and had called her to meet him there, but that he can't tell me those things because I'm too jealous.

Does this sound believable to you, or should I be worried?

Answer 1

This is a tricky question thatg may only seem obvious at first. See, in relationships in which the woman is overly jealous and protective of her partner, he is more likely to hide things from her (usually by not saying anything) about other women or situations involving other women that may be 100% perfectly innocent, but he doesn't want to deal with the drama of insecurities that he's had to go through before. On the other hand, being in the shoes of the female (as I have been before), when a partner has been unfaithful you tend to go into paranoid mode of assuming the same kind of hurt will happen over and over.

However, your partner out and out lied when you asked, as opposed to purposefully not mentioning--that to me could be trouble. If I were you I would have a heart-to-heart with him, and whatever you do, don't flip out--if you do, he'll get really defensive and will further bury his feelings. Tell him that you really are happy that he's decided to pursue scuba diving, but you feel uncomfortable with it, but that you'd like reasurrance.

A true man will give you comfort and reassurance that you are indeed the only woman worth his time. A yellow light to me would be if he still gets defensive and maybe even turns it on you in an accusatory manner (especially if you're not being accusatory at all). That's when I would look at the other aspects of your relationship, and perhaps make a tough call as to whether it's working.

Hang in there. Don't let jealousy get the best of you, and don't let him get the best of you while squandering it away on Miss Scuba, either.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Your history seems to be looming over your heads. There are a lot of important questions to be answered and you both have to be absolutely honest for your future to be a happy one. The fact is that he did have an affair before, and this has destroyed your trust in him, I don't think there is a person out there that wouldn't feel the same way. I think he is being insensitive to your concerns and If he is totally in love with you through and through then he would not make you feel as if you are doing something wrong, your not the one that cheated! Trust your gut instinct, if it doesn't feel right.....! If he is serious about your relationship then he needs to be honest all the time and build up the lost trust. good luck

Answer 3

You will never trust him again so leave him alone. You are only hurting yourself and putting yourself through a situation that you cannot control.

Did you decide to reconcile with him because he told you that he would never cheat again at that it was only an online affair? If he said this to you or something similiar to this, then you didn't take it upon yourself to heal from him cheating. If you do not heal then you will never trust anyone ever again.

Trust me, your man is not understanding to the fact of you being jealous. If he was, he wouldn't lie to you about his scuba diving instructor and infact he would've chosen a man...

Answer 4

First of all the "playful" comment you made was not a joke I believe you fully ment what you said, with good reason.... but the fact that you are making these comments and checking his phone I believe he feels he can't tell you these things because you are so jealous.....until you substantial reason to believe that he is doing something he is not supposed to ease up a little. He made a mistake......just keep a look out for the signs, but definitely ease up.... Why don't you take scuba lessons with him? Maybe that can help your relationship a bit.

Answer 5

Jealousy is hard thing to over come especially after they have cheated on you. Overcoming it is hard as I know from my past relationships. My first fiance cheated on me and I chose to try to work it out. We lasted another year before it tore me apart always being worried about another guy coming along. Then of course comes the lying and sneaking around again. Maybe its time to rethink things no matter how painful they maybe. Or maybe you are both just not ready to commit. Him because he obviously has interest in other women. You because you really need to set your boundaries as to what is and not acceptable i.e. it's OK to have female friends its not OK to make out with them. Defined your terms before you go any further.

Answer 6

There is no reason he needs one on one special attention from his instructor outside of class. Would he approve of you doing the same? Well you probably wouldn't even entertain it because you are honest and wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. He is using your insecurities and turning it against you. It is the classic strategy of a cheater. Be glad he is just a boyfriend, you don't need a husband that acts like that. NEXT!!!

Answer 7

You and your bf should have a open relationship specially that he just cheated on you. Remember with no trust there can be nothing! Everything is going to sound suspicious to you right now because you are still hurt. Really talk to him and have a open serious talk.

Answer 8

I would be concerned, it's hard for you right now to trust him & he should try to understand that & be considerant of your feelings. But because he's a man he thinks that because the affair is over you should be over it too, but they don't understand how that distrust lingers after an affair. Well I wouldn't stand for it but it's truely up to you. Do you want to know what's up? If there is nothing going on than there is nothing to lie about. He is liying because he is hiding something.......................

Answer 9

Stop being so jealous and allow him the opportunity to be completely open and honest. Then when he still lies and hides things, drop him like a pile of bricks and get with someone more trustworthy.

Answer 10

You are way too jealous, and it's effecting how he acts with you. You either need to get over this or find a new boyfriend as you are going to drive him to another woman.