Going through my third divorce?

Question

I am ashamed cuz I am going thru my 3rd divorce and feel that no one will ever want me cuz of it. I've got my faults, but tend to pick abusive men & now it's been over a year since I've been with my soon to be ex and feel as if everyone will run the other way. I am seeing a counsellor, trying to make sure the next person is right for me, but I feel like a total failure. I just want a normal relationship. I know some of you will probably think it's better to be alone, but it's not human nature to want that. I have been very lonely and at times have considered trying to stop the divorce, but I know that I can't do that to my children anymore. I started dating someone and he told me last night that his family and friends mentioned how scary, she has been divorced 3 times... I haven't stopped crying about it... I am 44 and feel like such a failure... I just want to be loved and not hit or verbally abused.

Thank you to all of you for all your responses and so quickly... I just wanted to add that I have been without anyone for a year... I just started dating and know that I have to take it slow... I have 4 beautiful children and just had my first Granddaughter... so it's been keeping me busy... I'm not looking to get into a live in or marriage right now, but I do want to start going on dates, but not sleeping around. My kids are tired of seeing me stay home and have been urging me to accept dates, so I have and thought I was ready. I don't want to lie to anyone about how many times I've been divorced. I'm not proud of it at all. And I am trying very hard to stay away from abuse. I'm really working hard with my counsellor, but wanted to get opinions from the outside and appreciate all you are saying. Sometimes I get more response here than the counsellors office. And good advice. Thanks again.

Answer 1

You need to stop jumping from one relationship to the next. I am definitely not saying you should be single for all eternity, but you do need alone time after the end of a bad relationship. Most every woman feels like they have to have a man in their life to love them and make them feel complete, but that isn't always true. You need time to heal, and seeing a counselor is a great first step! By jumping from relationship to relationship, and rushing things, you aren't giving yourself time to make sure the man is a good choice for you, to make sure they will treat you with love and respect, and that they will love you. You are not a failure, many people do not find their life partner until later in life. Take some "me" time. Get to know YOU, not who you are with a man. Figure out what you really want out of a partner, out of a relationship, and out of your life. Decide what personality traits you want. When you are ready, start looking for that man, and don't settle for less than the best just so you aren't alone. You deserve to wait and find a good man. You can't love someone else until you learn to love yourself. =) Keep your chin up!

Answer 2

Alot of people will tell you things about its wrong to do this or that because its not socially exceptable. F#@k that. Its not about if its ok to every one else. Some people marry the first one and are happy. Alot of people make the mistake of getting into a relationship and stay in it even if they aren't happy because they don't have the strength to do what they know is right. I'd like to commend you for getting out and away from those A holes. Its not an easy thing to do, but the easy way and the right way are rarely the same. When you find the right person, you will find the right person. It is important that you first find yourself. Alot of people go through life ignortant. They have all these idea's in their head about how things are supposed to work because they have been convinced that since birth. And as humans we make mistakes or wrong decisions. As long as we learn from our mistakes, they were never really mistakes. You should never put yourself down like that. You aren't a failure. Maybe someday someone will fall into your life and become that person that you dream of. Maybe you will be one of those single ladies who makes everyone cookies at the PDA meeting and everyone loves lol. The point is that if you love yourself and relax a little bit, maybe sit back and look at everything from a positive point of view, the answer might come to you. You can't force it. I hope that this helps you at least a little. If you want anything else don't hesitate to ask.

Answer 3

Stopped getting involved until you get some therapy to find out why you keep picking the same abusive relationships. Fix yourself first or you will continue choosing wrong. This is about self esteem you know and if you find out how to get it, you'll see things differently and be able to make better choices. So hold off on the relationships and spend some time with a counselor. It's an eye-opener.

Answer 4

I don't know. I am terrible with that kind of thing. But there is a reason for it. I would say "fourth time's the charm" but that would not go over. I would say "well he was a jerk anyway" but again, the fact that she married a jerk is just as much a reflection of her bad choice. Perhaps ... "yeah I never liked him to begin with ... " Or ... "I told you so." All those words come through my head in moments like these. Honestly I usually avoid "comforting" words in times like these, especially if I suspect that it is her poor decision making that got her there the first and second time, and she still hasn't learned. Pretty much anything you say will come across as insincere and trite at best, and downright offensive at worst. I would just say "call me if you need any help moving your stuff out of there." Honestly that is my best advice. I would also say "I can help you find a good attorney." I would also be willing to loan her my car or help her get a truck ... the practical stuff. I would just look at simple and practical solutions because that can be the most comforting of all ... action. But if she starts in crying on my shoulder I cut that kind of stuff off because believe me, she was warned. So I am not gonna want to hear it. And most likely, she will end up with the next guy, who is just like man number 1, 2, and 3 and I don't have a lot of patience for that kind of thing. I do the first time, but at some point, it is a behavior pattern, like a broken record. The best way to break the pattern it is to not enable.

Answer 5

I know how you feel. Some people say they like being alone - but I don't. However, that may be why you've struck out 3 times... You're not willing to be alone for your best interest and your kids best interest. Maybe it is too scarey for you or you desperately need that safety feeling. Hmmm, the trouble is, each time you trade one in, you get a whole new set of problems - different from the last (maybe), but still more issues.

Try to love who you and help your kids see you strong.

Answer 6

Honey, you have to take a break. You can not fix the issues that you with men if you continue to date. You say you are working with a counselor and that is great, but please for your sake and your children's do not date for awhile. I understand you don't want to be alone and that is perfectly normal. But listen to yourself, you are divorcing number 3 and it sounds like you are lining up number 4.

Do you know what it is called when you continue to do the same thing over and over but yet expect a different outcome? INSANITY.

You can not truly work on yourself and your issues if you are actively in another relationship. Break the cycle sweetie!
Get some counseling work on your self esteem and learn to be happy alone. No one can make you happy, you have to be able to find happiness within yourself!

Good luck and take care!

Answer 7

If you always pick abusive men, then may I suggest you take some for yourself. Been there and doing that. I've been on my own now for a year, for the first time ever, and its been great! Real confidence builder, learning alot about myself & what
"I" want and don't want. So maybe my next guy will be more compatable with me & won't become an abusive a$$hole.

Answer 8

One of my ex-husbands has been married 5 times and my own Father is on his forth and I am on my third. Don't feel like a failure. Joke about it and say you do it till you get it right. You are on the right track by looking for someone different then the others. You will find someone, don't give up hope.

Answer 9

Do not be ashamed of your past. If you deal correctly with past mistakes, your future will be better. With that said, you have to look at the source of your problems with finding and marrying abusive men. Before you begin looking for someone to love you first must love yourself, heal yourself and your children so you can suceed in having a relationship that does not consist of abuse.

I want to be honest with you about the current man that you are seeing. If he cared anything about your feelings, he would not have told you what his family and friends said about you and your many marriages. He would've defended you and not told you because you are in a fragile state right now.

For now, you need a break in trying to find that special someone. You need to take time for you and get yourself together so you can be complete to love and receive love, without abuse being a factor.

Good luck and you are in my prayers.

Answer 10

It's called the law of attraction. You act desperate, you behave desperate, and the message you're sending out to the men that you meet is that you ARE desperate. You are so willing to settle for anybody willing to be with you, that your taste in men is at an all time low. So low in fact that you admit to wanting to work things out with an absuive 3rd husband, just to avoid being alone!

My advice is to straighten yourself out, and take some time to get to know a person you probably have forgotten all about. YOU! Have some respect for yourself and quit being so desperate for love! Men aren't attracted to women that walk around with a t-shirt that reads "Married 3 times and desperate for love." We're attracted to the women who have confidence, who smile, and who are happy in their own skin. Good luck!