What would you do if your husband wanted you to change for the worse?

Question

I've always been fun loving, giving, forgiving,long suffering, and extremely interested in pleasing my husband in every way(I feel that it's my duty).We've been married a little less than a year and the longer we're married, the harder he is to please. I'll ask him what he wants for dinner. He says "what do you want to fix?" I say, "I don't care, what sounds good to you?" He gets mad and says, "Now that's not what I asked is it?" I'll misunderstand something he says because it' about a subject that I'm not very knowledgable in(like cars)He'll get mad and yell, "Is that what I said?" He doesn't like the way I've raised MY daughters, but his daughter has 2 illegitimate children from 2 different guys. But MY girls can't do anything right. If I don't agree with everything he says, he's mad. If I try to help him with something, he says I don't think that he can do it by himself. He very seldom let's me do anything for him(rub his back, try to give sexual pleasure, etc) but he does it for me

I know they say that the first year is the hardest, getting to know each other. But he wants me to be someone that I'm not. What should I do? He refuses marriage counceling. He says our problems are no body elses business.

Answer 1

dont put up wit this any longr..

Answer 2

Hi Angel,

I'm really sorry about your problems. I'm not sure they're yours, though.

Maybe I can ask some questions that you can reflect on, and throw in some advice.

How long did you see each other before you were married? Think hard, were there signs of his irritability before, or has it surfaced since marriage. Can you recall how he interacted with your daughters before? What might be causing his mood (job problems, money)?

He is fortunate to have a woman that truly wants to please her husband in every way. That's not always a gimme. Perhaps if you can think of a way to get to the root of the problem (I know, harder than it sounds) you can figure out what's really going on.

Maybe you can try this, it's up to you. 1) Plan your dinners in advance (what does he like best?), 2) If he's talking about things you don't know a lot about, make a joke how you wish you knew more about that subject, and why, 3) don't get sucked into any comparisons of his daughters to yours .(this is counterproductive).

If it's still not working, and he refuses counseling, the problems may truly be irreversable. I hate to say that, but you must explore all the possibilities.

Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

I've heard the first year is the hardest, but in my own experience that wasn't true. You should already know the person you married and if you didn't then you shouldn't have married them. You may have ignored some of the things you saw thinking they would get better after the wedding. It sounds like he has a self esteem problem and is trying to make you feel bad about yourself so he can seem better in his own eyes. If he won't go to counseling, go with out him. At the rate you are going, I don't see you being with him through year #2. It's not your duty to please him in every way. Start making your own decisions. Like dinner, if you want to ask him what he wants and he says cook what you want, then cook what you want or order out instead.

Answer 4

Hi Angel

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to work on yourself. You cannot change your husband, but you can become the best "you" and the best wife you can be.

You may benefit from learning about "emotional needs" or "love languages". You may, in fact, be missing the mark on meeting your husband's needs. Are you sure you know what his needs really are? For example, you argue about what you should cook for supper. Your husband honestly wants you to make what YOU want to make. Having you always prepare what he wants does not seem to be one of his emotional needs. In fact, do you know that the work you do around the house is what he really wants from you? Or are you assuming?

"He doesn't like the way I've raised MY daughters..."
Do any of the kids live with you? Have you considered investing in counselling to help you with blending families? Some community colleges offer classes on this topic, too.

"If I don't agree with everything he says, he's mad. If I try to help him with something, he says I don't think that he can do it by himself."
Why did you marry? Why did you fall in love to begin with? What do you mean by "mad". Are you abused or are the two of you just struggling with communications that you can learn through counselling?

"He very seldom let's me do anything for him... but he does it for me."
It seems to me that neither "acts of service" nor "physical affection" are his love language. What that means is that he does not feel especially loved when you do these things for him. On the other hand, he recognises that this is how you feel loved, so he does these things for you. You need to speak his language.

What could you do that would make him feel loved?

Check out the Marriage Builders web site for more information on Emotional Needs and Love Busters, plus the book "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman for an easy read on a similar topic.

Answer 5

Didn't you see that coming?In my opinion he is not good for you or your daughters.I believe if he has a problem with your children than you are with the wrong person.Remember your children come first always.Do what's best for your children and yourself and get out of there.If he wants no help from counseling than no one else can help,it will get worst.Seems to be a very self centered person.You deserve to be happy, think about it and talk about it with your parents or a close relative. There are so many help lines and centers out there,find one and they will lead you the right way.

Answer 6

Sounds like a poor match for marriage. I don't think he's asking you to change so much as to have an opinion...marriages nowadays are partnerships and you're still living back in time. He wants and equal, and you want to be subservient. You two aren't on the same page and it doesn't sound like you ever will be...

You're going to have to either make up your mind to tolerate it and do the best you can...get counseling on your own to learn to cope with the situation...or move on and eventually find someone more suitable to your relationship style.

Answer 7

The only way to please a man like that is be your own person. I think what he is looking for from you is independence. My advice is do your own thing, cook what you want to and focus more on pleasing yourself. This will probably attract him to you more. No matter what he thinks of your kids, never lose sight of the fact that they're yours, and you have raised them well. Confidence, that's the key. All this comes from a very similar situation in my life, and the advice I have given you came straight from the horse's mouth. Good luck!

Answer 8

Wow...this problem already?

I have been unhappily married for 13 years. Well...the unhappy years are about 7. My hubby thinks I am there to be his sex-slave. Ummmmmmmmmmm...not. He wants me to do things that I couldn't even imagine.

I hate to say it, but perhaps you should get out now, while the getting is good.

You sound like you are bitter towards him, and he sounds like a total jerk.

Good Luck

Answer 9

You married a very negative person. He's not going to change. He'll never be happy, no matter what you do because he doesn't like women. Like many men, he needs a woman but he doesn't like them. This is why you cannot please him in any way. Sorry, but I think you are just going to become more miserable.

Answer 10

I really think you need to step back and look at the whole picture. Sounds like he wants you to be just like him. HELLO..
Do you need to drop something on your head.
I came from a family like this, I'm soo sorry but you need to leave. There are too many fish in the SEA.

Answer 11

sounds like a controlling
person and it gives him "power" to treat you this way. since he will not get therapy then you need to go and get therapy and if he complains about it...oh well too bad...you need this for your self esteem. he seems like a can't win for losing type of person. very very difficult to live with someone like this. it is mental and emotional abuse ...yes controlling personalities like this make the other person feel useless and the control freak knows this and still acts upon this way just to keep the other person down and make them feel low. trust me i know i have been in your shoes before and it is a miserable feeling. and eats away at your self worth.