How can I get my husband to agree with me? Grrrr!?

Question

I am 28, and he's 38. Could it be because he's older than me that he thinks he gets to be the boss?

We have this beautiful Laural tree that grows at the side of the house. I love it because it stays green all year round. My husband feels the need to hack it down once a month because he thinks that if it gets tall enough, rats will get on our roof.
What harm could rats do on the roof?
And second, He never cleans up the pruinings, (says he will, but never gets to it) So I end up doing it.
I really love that tree, and it looks so ugly now. I actually cried the first time he took the chain saw to it because he does a terrible job.

This is the story of our whole relationship. He's always making the executive decision, and I rarely get a say.

Answer 1

hun i feel for you, my hubby does crazy stuff like that all the time. I really cannot say if you could get him to stop if you chained yourself to the tree, it must be something in their DNA about that. But as for the trimmings I'd put them right behind his car or truck so has to clean them up....
good luck!

Answer 2

Its possible that the age difference comes into play here. Tell him youd rather have the rats on the roof instead of inside the house. If the rat wants to be where he wants then he will be there, tree or not. It sounds like he can make a mess but has no idea how to clean one up. Is he a boss or supervisor at work which would explain why he dictates so much and leaves the small stuff to others. Some guys just never learn that some chores are better left t someone with a little more experience. Hes set in his ways and itll be awful tough changing them so you may just have to get used to his controlling ways if you want to stay with him. Tell him to get a large cat or big snake if hes worried about rats. Good luck

Answer 3

Putting the tree situation and the rats on the roof on the side for a moment, the real problem is communication.

The worse thing to do in any situation is threaten, or approach a subject in a manner that would be construed as attacking.

You need to clearly convey that your relationship is a 50 / 50 partnership, and you personally feel that the relationship is a 95 / 5, you also need to clearly and calmly explain that you are personally being hurt and disrespected over the matter.

Suggest alternative solutions, maybe moving the tree to a safer location on your property, or contacting a pest control company with solutions to keeping rats off the roof and that would allow the tree to flourish.

Rats on top of a roof causing problems, no, I disagree, rats eating into your home, I would agree to, but that is usually lower levels of the home that are effected, not the roof...

Maybe he hates trees...

Good luck!

Answer 4

What happens to the tree in your yard is an executive decision! Wow, you are a very lucky woman!!!! Is it really that big of a deal?? It is a tree - it will grow back! You really should learn how to pick your battles. Do you love that tree more than your marriage?? If not, stop making such a huge deal out of nothing. Let me give you some advice......(I have been with my husband for 20 years)......the more you argue, the harder he is going to press to get his way. If you would just say "Oh, I see you trimmed the tree again, it looks great". Then nicely say, "Could you please be sure to pick up the branches when you get time?" He won't feel like you are giving him a direct order and chances are he will pick them up. After a while, when there isn't anymore excitement of an arguement, he will stop trimming the tree because he will get tired af cleaning up the mess! You have to outsmart him! He won't even know you are playing a game and before you know you will have won!!!!! Good luck!

Answer 5

on the laurel tree subject you should read apollo and daphne's story in greek mythology, tell your husband the story and tell him that it affects you in the deepest ways and if he cuts it down, you will be very very depressed.

On the husband issue: My husband is the same way except he is two years younger than I, so I don't think it is an age thing.
Tell him how you feel. Another thing that may be the reason for this is that you created this situation from the start and nursed it to the way it is today. If that is the case you will have to slowly break this creation down and challenge authority. It really isn't healthy for a relationship when it is not also a partnership. Some people like the other to take control, but if it is not what you want you should definately do something about it.

Answer 6

"Rats on the roof" is usually less of an issue than
squirrels in the attick. Both are obnoxious and can
cause endless problems with the construction of
the house and end up allowing other pests in.
They knaw on everything.

So ... not seeing the house in relationship to the
bush, its hard to know.

And yes, if he has 10 years on you, he has experience
that you don't have. You can growl all you want, but
this is a truth you should have accepted when you
married him. He has been on the planet longer than
you and has probably seen more than you.

All that being said, that doesn't give him the
right to discount your opinion. At least part of your
opinion is "leaving the trimmings around looks ugly"
and by the way, will hurt the growth of grass.

The two of you should be making your decisions
on the basis of conversation (um ... argument) based
on reason - not on age. That is: He should be able
to tell you that he has seen rats get into houses this
way, or at least heard about it.

Conversely, you should be able to tell him that he
left all the trimmings around and you (and others)
think it looks apalling.

You are going to lose more arguments based on experience
than you will win (at least for a few years until you
have more joint experience than individual experience
and your memory turns out to be better than his...)

However, crap all over the lawn is not an experience
argument. The cleaning of it is a household chore which
he signed up for when he did the pruning - and he is
failing his self declared obligation.

"Not pulling his or her load" is a common complaint
in marriage - and age has NOTHING to do with it.

By the way, I like other's suggestion of buying a
laurel tree to plant away from the house. I doubt you
can move the existing one cheaply.

DO NOT do the trimming yourself. This sets up a
"If I want something done right I have to do it myself"
paradigm in the marriage. You'll end up really
resenting him.

Answer 7

a marriage should be a compromise on most trivial situations like this, dont go hacking the whole thing down, but you have to understand his point.

its not that the rats will be ON the roof, its that once they can, they will chew through your roofing, and get INTO your roof.

at which point, an ugly tree is the least of your problems.

but, this does not mean you have to destroy the tree. just keep the branches away from the house, if possible.

I can't tell you what to do, but i can give you some guidelines on what you DONT want to do.

don't make accusations, don't blame him for anything, don't try to nag him into agreeing, because men don't usually take nagging or whining very well, and you will end up doing the opposite of what you are trying.

as for the clippings, tell him that "if he still feels he needs to butcher the damn thing, at least FINISH the job and clean it up"

but, he may pull a female move and say something like "ME finish something, if i remember correctly, it was YOU who started blah blah blah blah.."

dont do that either.

Answer 8

Okay, in keeping to the discussion at hand. If you love the tree, then perhaps you should prune it. Or you can pay someone to prune it the way you want it done. It's not a matter of who get which way. Relationships take compromise, and this is really a silly issue if you think about. There are win win situations here, you both need to agree to them.

Now...on to the issue of him making all the executive decisions. You need to bring this up with him in general. Not to be included with the discussion about the tree. Although related, this needs to be tackled separately. He needs to understand where you're coming from, and listen to what you have to say (this is what a relationship is about).

He's doing what he thinks is right. He needs to realize that there are more than one "right" solution to things.

Answer 9

Sounds like more then the tree is bothering you with this. Rats can do damage, but that seems like a poor excuse. Can you replant the tree somewhere else?
I don't know your husband so it is hard to tell why he is the way he is. I suspect you have already told him how you feel, so unless you're willing to take a break from the marriage or get counceling there isn't much advice or comfort I can give you....see if he will compromise on the tree though and replant it in a better location.

Answer 10

Get a book on pruning for your husband. There are times and ways to properly prune a tree. This going out and hacking at trees and bushes must be a man think, the man next door does it all the time and so does the man behind us. It must be the testosterone in them and a throw back to living in the jungle. I am all for a man having an opinion but this garbage where they think they are the King is archaic. Us women want a partner not a dictator.

Answer 11

I'm a shade older than your husband and my wife is a smidgen older than you, and if anything, she makes the executive decisions. I think personality has more to do with it than age...but that doesn't save your tree, does it? If I were you, I'd just mention to him, ever so subtly (like during pillow talk) that he needs to relax and to give you more responsibility in making the decisions around the house. Tell him he makes you feel like a child, then use the tree as a perfect example of something small-- a minor concession that he could make--that would make you feel so much better about yourself and your place in your marriage. Good luck!