how do you decide to stay or go?

Question

I found out my wife cheated two years ago and i chose to give her another chance. well since then ive found several texts and calls on her cell phone to this same guy. ive talked to her about it and got the usual im sorry it wont happen again with tears.she says she loves me and shes happy with me and she doesnt want to split. I want to make it work but I also want the pain to go away and the cheating to stop. I love her so damn much I fill like I cant live with out her not in a stalking kind of way just pure love from time invested shes my best friend at least that what we tell eachother. and then theres the biggest issue my kids i could'nt bare the thought of them trying to go through life with a broken home 0nes in high school threes in middle and one in elementry.they all love and adore the both of us deeply. so my question is how do i move forward in either dirrection.p.s im very helpful around the house I help clean, I work, I supply everyone with enough att: whats wrong with me?

Answer 1

There is nothing wrong with you and PLENTY of single women out there who would love you and not cheat on you. Your wife has a big problem. You need to tell her that she needs to get help for her problem or you and the kids are gone. She needs to own up to her bad behavior and stop making you feel like there is something wrong with you.

Answer 2

There is nothing wrong with you. You are madly in love with someone who many not love you in the same way. You need to decide if you should stay or go based on you. Having children complicates the situation but I am sure that your kids are sensing the stress and unhappiness in the household. Coming from a "broken home" can suck but if you split with your wife and become a happier person in the long run don't you think that might be good for kids to see? As difficult as it you really need to think about what this marriage is doing to you, and what you are getting out of it. Fix it if you can but if you can't, losing the love and happiness you could have in life would be worst than a divorce.

Answer 3

She is not respecting you like you the way you respect her.

You need to lay down boundries. Dont be a pushover, not saying you are a pushover, but in somesort of way she still cheated on you, which is DISRESPECT. She needs to realise what effect she has had on you and what effect she could cause if this split your family up. Suggest taking her out, do it spontainously. Maybe a spark has gone from your marriage, its easily returned. YOu just got to be young at heart again.

For example, tonight when she gets in, have a baby sitter booked and take her to watch a film, eat something so you can go talk. Remember the reasons why you both got together in the first place. Women only cheat when they feel like something is missing in their life. Ask her what it is, be honest and open and that is the only way you will be able to get through this. Communication is always the key to these horrible situations. I bet she loves you loads and loads, just try and be fun again. Take it from someone who is going through the same thing, but i am the woman.

Dont leave. Not yet, you got too much to lose, HOLD ON for a bit longer, try harder, even though you have not done anything wrong really, but if you love her, you will try and get her to try with you.

Goodluck xxx

Answer 4

Well whats wrong with you is that you're insecure. There is no reason to stay with someone who cheats on you and is constantly lying... Like i've told people in the past, once someone cheats on you, it should be over, because it will NEVER EVER be the same again. I mean look what happened to you, you caught her communicating with the same guy she cheated with! She's a whore! I hate to say it but she'll never change... to cheat on you, she is cheating on her whole damn family as well... She obviously isn't thinking about anyone in this situation... You definitely have the right to divorce her and be granded full custody of the children.

Okay lets put it this way...

#1 You stay with her and constantly have to worry if she's cheating on you.

#2 Accept the fact that she will keep sleeping around

#3 Divorce her and give another woman a chance to be with you who will treat you as you deserve.

You sound like such a wonderful person that it is a shame for you to be put in this situation.

God bless you and your children.

Take care

or

Answer 5

Nothing wrong with you that I can see. For whatever reason she has chosen to be unfaithful. She definitely wants the best of both worlds and will obvisiously lie to keep them. It takes a very special person to stay with someone once that someone has betrayed their trust. The biggest thing here is can you live with her with knowing all this and that she can lie to you? This will definitely result in some huge fights in the future. Unfortunately there are kids involved so divorce wont be easy and chances are shewill be awarded custody unless you can show concrete evidence that she is unfit to be thei mother. Adultery wont work. Biggest reasons for being ruled unfit are child or drug/mental abuse. You can stay together for the kids sake but theyll soon see thru you two and know theres marital trouble so that wont serve any good purpose. No real easy answers here, but you will have to decide whats best for you and the kids. Hopefully the kids wont learn about moms infidelity thru school classmates as it wont be very pretty. Marriage counseling could help but she needs to larn how to be totally honest for it to work. Good luck

Answer 6

i agree with some people here, she cheated on you again coz you let her get away with it the first time. maybe she thinks you will always go soft on her for the tears and the "i'm sorry" puppy dog eyes, if so she has you under her thumb. you need to show her that you will not stand for it, maybe even try for a trial separation, just to give her a taste of how it would feel to be without you. counselling would be a good alternative, it will show her that you know there is something seriously wrong with the marriage. or just confront her with it and demand that she breaks all contact with this guy, it should make her take you more seriously. or even go and have a "man to man talk" with the other guy, if you think you can handle him, that will show her that she belongs to you. whatever you do, you need to show her that you will take no more cheating from her, and that she is with you and you alone... good luck with it mate!

Answer 7

Have you considered moving your family to a new area, away from this other man? With a fresh start and a new commitment from the both of you to making your home life everything that it should be, the change of routine may be enough of a boost for your wife to see that she needs to reassess her priorities.
It may be hard for all the family to make the move, but better that than having to face breaking the family apart and all the awful consequences.
But above all keep the lines of communication between yourself and your wife open. Tell her how scared you are. And that you need her to hear you. And hear her.
And trust her, don't check her phone for messages, and tell her you trust her to keep her word. Because you know that she wants to change, even if she hasn't yet managed it.
And love her, despite her weaknesses.

Answer 8

Dear sir, when a person loves another, cheating is not viable. If your wife is, evidently, cheating on you with a third party, whom she shares her wants and needs, she cannot say she's sorry. She is not. She needs your economical support and stability. When she wants "goodies" she outsources with her "best friend"; who is, evidently, not you. To keep you at bay, she will promise change, ask forgiveness and tell you all you say she has told you. She has been playing with your learned and accustumed sentiments in order to keep her ways and not the highway.

That which you are experimenting is not marriage. It may have been; but it is'nt anymore. You and your children are being cheated of her love, respect and family tie. Your children and yourself will be better off with the truth, with love and respect of each other. That which your wife has denied you. I would get a divorce. This ofcourse if you have sought counseling and it has not worked.

My believe is that if it has gone on for years, she is in love with someone which is not you. She does not consider dearly her home, family, nor children. She only considers her needs and will keep being dishonest; till she someday finds someone else and again defines what honesty, respect, love is really about.

If It were my case I would bail out. You must respect yourself and your children. You are their teacher. They will take after you. So think of the future you're letting them experience. Love and responsibility for the integrity of your family and yourself, go hand in hand. There is no middle of the road. Your wife's actions spoke for themselves. She chose her road. Are they compatible with what we've discussed? You deside.

Answer 9

You have to decide if you can live in this awkward "marriage".

I think marriage is respect, admiration, passion and trust, and hon, from your discription, the trust is gone, she has shared the passion with another, and the other two are in the toilet as well...It is really tough, I'd guess, for a guy actually to get over the image of his wife getting pronged by another man. In your place, when mine cheated, I was outa there... thinking of the guy touching me again, made me vomit... But you have children, and they are undoubtedly a large part of your life.

Get into counseling, hon,,,,,, resentment will just build, and your wife needs to figure out why she betrayed you.... several times. At this point, she is keeping you as the "jerk in reserve", and that needs to change. My good friend, a marriage counselor tells me it is two years before the trust returns, and that is no guarantee.

(Actually, hon, you don't love her right now, you love the IMAGE you have of her and the MEMORY of what you thought she was... right now, they ain't the same... and you can only get that back with counseling... )Good luck, hon

Answer 10

What others have said is true...there is nothing wrong with you. This question struck me because I have been in the same shoes as your wife. There is something that this man is providing her, that you are not. This doesn't justify her actions by any means; she needs to go to you with her needs, and not outside your marriage to this other man. If you both love each other as much as you say, then you need to address this very seriously. Bravo for forgiving her the first time, but shame on you for letting her do it a second time. You both have to take responsibility and find out what this issue is. I recommend reading "His Needs, Her Needs", written by Dr. Willard Harley, TOGETHER. And talk to your wife about what she feels is missing. Good luck, and I hope your marriage turns out better than mine did.