My boyfriend is older than me, we live together and are very happy together. But lately he has been trying to dictate where my life is going and how I get there, kind of like controlling. I tell him to please stop and if I make a mistake then I have to deal with it! Let me make mistakes and be my own person!!! He thinks I am being unappreciative when I say these things, but I do appreciate everything that he does but I do not want to be controlled! Does anyone have any advice PLEASE!? I would like to be able to explain what I am feeling - without making him mad.
2007-05-16 03:34:38 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
all you can do is talk to him in a very loving way and hope for the best
2007-05-16 03:38:52 · answer #1 · answered by arizonaprincess2 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋
First of all you need to let him know you feel like he is trying to control the way your life goes, and that makes you feel like he doesn't respect or trust that you can make your own decisions. You need to let him know that you respect his opinions and know that he is just trying to help, but some decisions need to be made by you alone and that if you need his advice you will ask. He probably doesn't even realize how you feel about it, and being older he just doesn't want you to make mistakes that he probably made in the past and learned from. Let him know that sometimes the only way to learn is to make a few mistakes and bad decisions and that if that happens you will deal with the consequences too. And last of all, tell him that you love him and that you will let him have input on any decisions you make that will affect him too!!! ( If you are honest with him and he gets really angry and physically or verbally hurts you afterwards, GET OUT!!!) Good Luck!!!
2007-05-16 11:08:07 · answer #2 · answered by maggiemae 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your byf is trying to help you - 2 reason - 1 he is a man & whatever gene it is - they have this overwhelming urge to either prevent a problem or fix one - 2 - he's older and may have wisdom through experience that is worth at least listening to and keeping in the back of your head.
I think your feeling as though your byf is "parenting" you. The way to get around this is to understand why. Are you making poor choices that have an unavoidable end result? Has his advice been right on in the past? Or could it be that you are in a relationship with a man who is too old for you & you need to be single for a little bit and have your own life experiences?
When you enter into a relationship - it is 50/50 and that means he's accpeting the consequences of your actions should you make a bad choice.
You have to look at all the factors & right now it's like you said - your just ticked off and blowing off steam.
Look at the bigger picture!
2007-05-16 10:45:32 · answer #3 · answered by martiek7 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Sit him down. Tell him that you love him and that you want to be with him but that he can't control you.
He is older so he has been through more and had more experiences. He didn't have some one else tell him what to do and he did just fine.
EVERYONE has to experience things for themselves. If he was in your shoes a couple years ago he would feel the same way. You want to protect the ones you love but sometimes you just have to let them do it themselves.
If it's something that will be an issue you can try to find another place to live but still be together. It's much harder to deal with issues when you don't have that alone time.
He loves you, he wants the best for you, and he doesn't want you to go through the pain of mistakes. But it's something you are just going to have to do in order to grow as a person. Let him know that.
2007-05-16 10:42:23 · answer #4 · answered by am_marie 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
When things are calm ask him to sit down an talk. Talk a walk down memory lane. Ask him to remember what it was like growing up as a teenager and how he felt when his parents told him what to do. Talk about how important it is to make mistakes and be able to learn from them. Ask him why he thinks his parents might have prevent him from doing something or not allowed him to carry on in a certain way. (Typically it's because they love him and don't want to see him get hurt) Remind him that part of growing is making mistakes and learning from them. Being told something is not the same as experiencing it. Explain to him that you understand he cares for you and only wants what is best. This means a lot to you because you care for him as well. Then ask him how he would feel if you tried to do the same thing to him (give examples). Let him know that you want your relationship to grow but that you both have to grow as individuals as well. Make sure he knows when major life events are happening or it's something that will affect you as a couple that you'll sit and talk with him about it. It's important in relationships to learn to communicate effectively and also to compromise. Make sure he knows you're willing to do this.
2007-05-16 10:48:54 · answer #5 · answered by Orion 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
tell him that you appreciate the things he is telling you and you understand he's done more living than you. tell him that you need to do what you think is right because you are your own person and need to learn from mistakes still. tell him that if he still wants to give you advice then fine and if you follow it fine but not to get mad at you for not following it. it's a part of life to make mistakes and just deal with it and move on. if he is going to be in your life he needs to be supportive and not a father.
2007-05-16 10:40:00 · answer #6 · answered by cowgirlclub 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Once a control freak,...always a control freak. you have only two options. Either stay where you are, and keep your mouth shut and live by his rules, OR get out of the relationship and move on with your life. You can make all of the excuses in the world why you can't move out, why you think that one day he will change, how much you love him, etc. Just remember one important thing. You only have two possible choices...make the right one and move on with your life. As sure as I'm typing this, I can tell you that he may be verbally abusive to you know, but eventually, that will escalate to physical, and the more you tolerate, the less likely you are to move on, using the same excuses as before.
2007-05-16 10:43:13 · answer #7 · answered by auditor4u2007 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Time for some tough love. First you need to ask yourself; are you better off with or without him? He is indeed trying to control you for whatever reason . Maybe he doesnt trust you or is treating you like his little sister. True, we all hate to see the one we love make mistakes and fail and possibly get hurt but thats the way life is. You cant grow to be all you can be if he stunts your growth by being over protective. Controlling someone is not true love, but more like ownership. Its your life and your dreams. So follow them and dont let no man ever stop you from acheiving them. Tell him you have dreams too and in your present relatinship you cant get there. So either he backs off from smothering you or youre gone. Good luck
2007-05-16 10:47:59 · answer #8 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋
First of all how much older is he?? Is he starting to view you and your future as he would from a "parent" type perspective?
He may just not realize that he is acting like a "father" instead of a loving husband.
Also something you said was extremely concerning.....you want to know how to explain without "making him mad". You need to be able to talk freely with him and know that him getting mad is not synonymous with abuse.
Please don't think I am implying that he is abusive it was just that comment that hit me funny. He may be very kind and loving and if yes then just sit down with him and let him know that you want to make all your own mistakes but that you want him to be there for your successes as well as be there to help pick you up and dust you off after your failures. We all have them but do we all have someone to be there afterward?
Good luck!
2007-05-16 10:47:39 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
Really what is the issue he is trying to control you on? Are you being questionable in your actions so that he feels insecure and wants to prevent anything bad from happening? If that's not the case and he is giving advice, you can kindly tell him that you appreciate his advice and that you've decided you'll do this or that, or whatever it is you've decided to do. He should respect that, if not then beware.
2007-05-16 11:09:21 · answer #10 · answered by Mariah 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
tell him straight up, this is how I feel....my hubby and I have had similar issues....he has an opinion on a situation and I have a different opinion. So he automatically feels like I don't trust him, have faith in him, etc etc....when the simple fact is that I have a brain, and I see it differently. So your independence is being interpreted in a negative way by your boyfriend.....try to discuss it and get him to see that it's not a reflection of your feelings of him, but rather that you are your own person.
2007-05-16 10:48:21 · answer #11 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋