how do i get over his cheating and move on ???

Question

he's had a text and phone sex relationship with someone i thought was a kind of friend for 4 1/2 months. he lied and covered his tracks and was really awfull to live with. he ignored me and the kids. he texted her and called her all day every day whilst i'd be lucky if he asked how his kids were.
we've been married for 6 years and i truely loved him but don't know how to deal with this betrayal and as much as he's cried asking me to take him back i just don't know how i can

it's not like we didn't have a good sex life or we didn't get on as we did.
i've asked him if it was something i didn't fulfill sexually or if he no longer finds me sexy and he said that i do everything he could ever possibly want in bed. this other woman is known to be easy and has definatley been round the block too many times.

Answer 1

I'm sorry to hear that you have to go through this. Your husband need to realize that he's destroyed the most important thing your marriage. Your ability to trust him. Trust isn't something you just give out at a whim it's something that earned over time by the actions one takes. Dealing with cheating behavior is not easy. It takes a lot of effort on both parties parts if they are ever going to move past it. First he has to sincerely feel remorseful for his actions and do whatever is necessary to prove to you it's not going to happen again. You need to recognize and accept that you didn't do anything which led to his actions. Only he's in control of them. When your in a relationship it's each persons responsibility to be considerate and respectful of the other persons feelings. If your not happy then you need to make a responsible choice. Either work on the problems together or get out. Stepping outside the marriage and thinking you can have both worlds is immoral, irresponsible, hurtful and frankly childish. The only way to move past this type of hurt is to deal with it. You can learn through time if he does his part to forgive what has happen but you'll never forget. You can't go back and time and change what has happened and you can't change him. He has to want to do himself. While your under stress don't make any huge life changing decisions. If you need your space then ask for it. If he's willing to give you that it's a step in the right direction. Put the ball in his court. He needs to decide whether he's going to commit to this relationship fully (ie. husband, lover, parent, etc) or he needs to move on. It's better to let him make the choice so you can see if he's sincerely wants to stay. If he chooses to stay but doesn't work on your relationship then the decision becomes yours. He needs counseling and so do you both as a couple. Remember you can't fix him or change him only forgive him if his actions are worthy. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

This is going to be an extremely hard time for you, betrayal is a crushing experience for anyone.

First and foremost you have to decide one way or the other whether you are prepared to make a go of your marriage. I'm not suggesting that you take him back and put it out of your mind (only someone with a swinging brick for a heart could do that).

If you decide that you may be prepared to work things out then sit him down and have a good long chat. Let him know that although you are willing to try again that you need to know why he did this is the first place (it didn't just happen). Be prepared to hear the truth, cos you may not like it, but do not accept anything less than the truth. Let him know that he has damaged the trust and that he will have to gradually EARN it back.

Do however be prepared for tantrums, sometimes men think that if they say sorry then that should be the end of the conversation.

Six years is a long time and there is children involved so think carefully about what you do. Although don't make a decision based solely on the children, it can be more damaging for them to be brought up in a loveless marriage where there is no trust and lots of animosity.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 3

Wow, I am amazed at the quality of answers here. But most importantly, Get yourself back to 'normal'- he can wait. If he is serious, then he must change, do all the running, find out how to put you and the kids first. Its up to you whether you could be bothered. He might do everything right from here on in, but, unfortunately you have seen him for the man he isn't/wasn't. Can he be the man you always wanted? Time will tell but you will be the judge. It still may not be enough. You may feel too much damage has already been done: You wrote 'you truely loVED him' past tense. You did not deserve this, and cheating is whatever you define it as. But do get help for you and go from there. Don't dwell on why it happened. You cant make sense from nonsense. It has happened, however you will need to get past this and that's the priority. If he's serious, he will be there at the end and do whatever is required from him. The fantasy for him is over - he will look back at his loonacy and cringe (given by his reaction) and be deeply sorry and will promise never to do anything like this again and be sincere and actually do it. But is that enough for you?

Answer 4

She doesn't sound like a very good friend if she would do that with your man behind your back, but how well did you really know her after 4 months. Him on the other hand, you have shared your life with him for over 6 years and also share children, and you should have been able to trust him. He obviously didn't care enough to not cheat and now he's scared that he has lost you for good, that is why he cries asking you to forgive him and to take him back, but I wouldn't do it. Number 1, you need to be able to trust your partner, which after what he did I imagine that you don't. Number 2, you need to protect yourself and your children from anymore heartache. It will be hard to move on, but eventually you will be able to and will be fine, but part of you will never really get over the betrayal, the hurt will just lessen over the years. And as dumb as it sounds, the best way to make those feelings hurt less is when you're ready, forgive him and move on with your life. Forgiveness is a funny thing, you may feel like you can never forgive him for tearing your family apart, but eventually you will and your life will get better. From experience I say you follow your head for a while until your heart heals. I hope that you and your children get through all of this okay!

Answer 5

Cheating has nothing to do with sex, and a lot to do with character (or lack thereof). Because of all the emotions involved, it's sooo damn hard but at the end of the day you can't take responsibility for someones actions only your own.
I've said this before and I'll say it again to anyone in such a situation: gather up all the dignity, strength, resolve you can, muster and walk out of that situation with your head held high. Work on your new life, do whatever it takes; move, get a makeover, learn a new job/hobby, meet lots of new people, get to you know yourself (this is really important!). Time will heal but so will keeping your mind off replaying all the events and blaming yourself.

Answer 6

OK, I'm in the same situation except mine actually had sex with this person and they had a relationship for 5 mo, we have been married for 4 yrs and to be honest there is NO getting over it at least not for me. I have tried to reconcile the marriage but I'm suspicious of EVERYTHING he does. I don't trust him to go to the corner store to get milk. It's been 6months since his affair supposedly ended and I can't work past it. They take something when they have an affair that you can't get back, of course this is just my feelings once again. I am now looking at divorce, just simply because I don't want to lead a detective life and watch his every move or wonder if he has slept with someone again and what kind of disease is he going to bring home. I know this isn't exactly what you wanted to hear, but I understand what your going threw 100% and it is a tuff call to make, but you have to think of what is best for you. While the emotions you are going threw are normal such as wondering what YOU DID WRONG, I am hear to tell you YOU DID NOTHING WRONG, so please don't blame yourself for his stupidity. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

I don't think you can right now, but time will help you ease your pain and maybe one day you can set aside that pain. his asking for another chance from you but does he knows that your trust is now gone away?
At least your only been married to him for 6 years, mine was 22 years and like you, my husband did different, he joined a dating site met a few women esp. this one that he had an emotional feeling to. And this woman is also married but looking for affection from other men. For 2 months they become close, he set aside my 3 kids,called her 24/7 non stop, then physical came next.
When I discovered his affairs, lies after another, wont admit at first but finally he told me, but because of his affair I can't take him back anymore and I don't care if he begs or cried. The pain, the trust, and respect is not there anymore, and now I am a bit more relax and all I do is take care of my kids. If you think you can do this, do so, it will help you a lot. I did it and I think you can as well....

Answer 8

Men cheat for whatever reason. They get caught and then ask for forgiveness and expect everything to return back to normal as if nothing ever happened. What they dont seem to undertand isthe people theyve hurt and betrayed. Only God can truly forgive. People can only hope they can forget and move on. It takes a very special peson to live with someone that has betrayed their trust andmove on beyond the incident. Its hard living with the thought that it could happen again at anytime. It usually takes a long time to rebuild the trust again in him. If you choose not to stay with him then sue him for divorce and everything youre legally entitled to so he will always remember what he really lost due to his stupidity. Good luck

Answer 9

I am the type of person who really believes that people can change. I went through the same thing with my husband and you wouldn't believe how great he's been. Maybe, you could give it a little time with the stipulations that you get access to EVERYTHING! cell phone, email, ect; If he isn't willing to do that then he is probably trying to hide something. In that case, I would cut him loose and enjoy your independence. Hang out with your friends, keep busy, and another man will come along who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. Wishing you the best!

Answer 10

I would not take him back. If he says it was nothing that you did and that he finds you sexy and you satisfy him then obviously he did this because he wanted to and not because the marriage is failing. Hes probably one of those men that when they've got you they want something else and when they lose you they do anything to get you back. If it was me I could never trust him again. I know plenty of people who got divorced, right now it is the worst thing in the world but one day when you find mr right you will look back and be glad this happened.