This has been a long-time struggle of mine. But I have to know...?

Question

I've been married for almost 12 years. I've never really been content or complete in my marriage. Here's the scenerio. I've always questioned if this was the right place for me, the right man for me. I have made things work because I didnt want to make the wrong choices-didnt want too hurt him because he's a good man.

Sometimes Im content w/ my marriage and life and other times, Im thinking of what it would or could be like single. I find, most times, I think the latter (what it would be like to be seperated or divorced). Is this normal in marriage? I've done this for a long time-probably since the beginning.

I've tried talking to him about how I feel but it gets me nowhere. He usually takes everything internally and then deny's my feelings of wanting to try a trial separation. He always tells me, "you dont want to separate" or "you're just hormonal again!" Is it me?? Can anyone else relate? Have you or are u going thru this too? Please help! I cant take it anymore

Additionally, I've been too counseling and so have we together. We've even had a counselor tell us we should divorce!!!! Im so exhausted from feeling this way. I just dont want to throw it all away because of uncertainty.

Answer 1

I am a newlywed and I've been having those thoughts since before we got married. In hinsight I should have never gotten married..but I did. So we're in counselling right now it's going ok but not as good as I had hoped. I suggest maybe trying some individual counselling and marriage counselling. You have been together for 12 years I dont' think you should throw away everything...it sounds like you could use alittle outside help.

Answer 2

Why are you so unhappy? Seriously - a lot of us woman would be so happy to have a good man. He sounds patient with you too. You need to find out what is wrong and why you do not feel fulfilled or content. It may have nothing to do with him. There may be something lacking on your end. You have to make yourself happy. Sometimes the grass always looks greener on the other side. If he is a good man then keep him. Later in life you will realize that having someone who's been thru so much with you can be a really comfortable and happy thing!! If he was abusive or a cheater or anything else that was hurting you in some way I would say get out. You just sound very restless to me. Don't create a problem when there's not one-you may be sorry later.

Answer 3

Becareful of what you wish for as you just might get it. The grass always appears to be greener on the other side til you get there. Im assuming you got married at a young age and now are wondering what exactly you missed during those earlier years. This is the normal feelings of someone who got married at a young age. People always wonder if they made the right choices in their life and what ifs. Majority should just be thankful for what theyve got. Like the saying "its not having what you want but its wanting what you have." There is no way of ever knowing we made the right choices but maturity teaches usto live with the choices we did make. You have no guarnatee that youd be any happier if you were single again. Most women out here would love to be in your shoes, being in a marriage with a good man, but human nature has us wanting more whether its possible or not. You cant go back and retrieve those lost years. Maybe you need to get a job or hobby or volunteer to keep your mind off of this, to proccupy yourself. Maybe your marriage needs some sprucing up and get out of the rut its in, to become exciting and new again. Good luck

Answer 4

Well, yes it is true that from time to time some married people do think about what it is like to be single again, just because the relationship is having troubles at the time....but if you think about this quite often then it is not normal...if you are married you should be in love with your partner and not even consider life without him.. Your choices are counseling or divorce. If you feel that your relationship has plateaued maybe you should try some new things... go out on dates more ...... make special nights for each other....go on a vacation together..... but whatever you do you have to do something or everyone involved will be miserable. Good Luck

Answer 5

For starters if you had feelings like this in the beginning you shouldn't have married him. Marriage is a life time commitment. God intended it to be that way. I think people give up on their marriage way too easily now. It is normal to wonder how things would be if you were single but I can tell you being single isn't that much fun. Do you have any kids? If so, you should really think about what this will do to them. I suggest ya'll get into counceling to find out what the problem is and see if it can be fixed before destroying your family. Now if you were very young when you got married you might just be wondering what you missed. I can tell you all you missed was a bunch of butts who won't appreciate you are treat you the way your husband does. Counceling will help you understand why you feel this way and him to understand how you feel. It does sound like ya'll need help with your communication but men rarely get us or understand us. Sounds to me like he loves you and doesn't want your marriage to end. If he is a good guy you really should try to work things out. You don't realise how hard it is to find a nice guy in this society.

Answer 6

It sounds like a "trial separation" may be just what you both need. If you are having these thoughts more and more you are not happy in this marriage. It is very normal too dream once in a while about what life would be like if you were single.But since your thoughts are basically always there I think a separation would be good for both of you. Your husband is probably just scared, and he may even be having the same thoughts as you, but most men just wouldn't admit it. Good luck with whatever you deside,. Remember though, you deserve too be happy, so don't let anyone make you feel guilty if you deside too try the separation.

Answer 7

It is normal for anyone who is in a relationship to have moments that they question whether they made a mistake, wonder about how it would be to be single. This happens more often when a person gets married when they are still too young. In your case, you do seem to take this way of thinking to the extreme. You say you have a good man, trust me they are hard to find. You might find the grass is not always greener on the other side. You need to learn to appreciate what you have before you lose it. It could be you are just bored and if so then you need to find ways to get a more interesting life. Best of luck to you.

Answer 8

If you have never been content in your marriage then it would be normal to think about being single or divorced. Good people have bad things happen to them everyday. Getting a divorce isnt the end of the world nor the worst thing that could happen. If you're not happy then how can he be happy either? It has to cause stress and tension between you two which isnt healthy. I would try trial separation. You dont need his permission to do so, you can file for it yourself or simply go. Who knows, during the separation you might find that you love your husband more than you realized.

Answer 9

I've also had the same feelings from about four months after my marriage. After about six years time the unstability of my mind led to an affair, where I got too emotionally involved. But fortunately it did not last because this guy did not fall in love with me. So now it is over after three years time, and now I have come to acknowledge the wonderful feeling of being in a proper marriage. So do not fret about the unstable feelings, but rather focus on why you are feeling that way. Counselling may help, but if you take some good books to read you will find a solution. For me, I realised that my unstable mind was caused by my abusive childhood. So please focus on the problem. Good luck with it.

Answer 10

It sounds to me like he isn't giving you exactly what you need. I have only been married for 2 years so I am by no means an expert. I don't know if you're a Christian or not but even if you're not there is a book I highly recommend. It is called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It is written by a Christian author but it could definitely work for any marriage. I felt the same way in my marriage and he is the type to say the same things your husband does. My husband and I read the book together and it really helped us learn more about each other and each other's needs. My heart has totally changed towards him. I'm sorry if this isn't much of help but I wish you the best! :)