It is very brief and something I was dabbling with but it is based on personal experience
2007-05-16 02:05:26 · 13 answers · asked by ambidextrous25 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
My world was normality till you came along
Then my heart started singing a brilliant beautiful song
I looked at the world and I felt complete with you by my side I could anything defeat
You slowly opened my heart and offered me the best treat
I waited for you my entire life and I would for you my life sacrifice
With you in my life I would have no vice
But you broke my heart though you promised you would not
I opened myself up so I should accept what I got
Then why is that when I close my eyes at night the picture of you as clear as a sunny day
Into my thoughts climb and there it will stay
There are no gurantees in love so many say
But you never know when it just may again come your way
2007-05-16 02:16:34 · update #1
Sorry guys my mistake I have added the poem now
2007-05-16 02:17:15 · update #2
I think you poem was very nice..I think you worded your self very well.
I think it does show your emotions and that you were hurt..
But remember one thing, if you do not open your heart you will never find true love...so with the pain of loves past, brings the rain of future love...
I give your poem a 4 out of 5 stars...very nice...keep writing,,,
2007-05-16 03:02:43 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
1st of all I know nothing about poetry
I like your poem, but maybe it would flow better if a few words were changed
My world was normal, than you came along (1)
You made my heart sing a beautiful song
You make me feel complete (2)
With you by my side (3)
No problem, I can't defeat
You slowly opened my heart and taught it to beat
I waited for you all my life (4)
And Now for you
My Life I would sacrifice
THEN YOU BROKE MY HEART (5) (trade positions of 3 & 4) Though you promised you would not
I opened myself up
Now, I must accept what I got
Why is it, when I close my eyes at night
I see you
As clear as a sunny day
You just won't go away?
LOVE holds no gurrantee
I'm here to say
But I still keep my Heart Open and Pray
You never know
LOVE (you?) might return someday????????
Sorry I didn't mean to tear your poem apart. I literally got carried away.
Keep writing
2007-05-16 11:15:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although your poem was touching and showed a lot of emotion. the flow was way off. I took your poem and changed it up a bit to show you what i mean. And you should find a title I suggest
Shattered World
My world was anything but normal till you came along,
Then my heart started to sing a brilliant beautiful song.
I viewed my world and felt complete with you by my side,
No longer would I feel the need to go run and hide.
You opened my heart and offered me a real treat,
you embraced my soul and swept me off of my feet.
and for you my dear love, I would sacrifice my life,
For the kindness you shown when you ended my strife.
But you broke my heart though you promised you would not,
I opened my heart up, so I should accept what I got.
At night when i think of the love you threw away,
forever locked in my heart and forever you'll stay.
There are no guarantees in love, I've heard so many say,
But you never know when it just may again come your way.
2007-05-16 11:29:24 · answer #3 · answered by Savage 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My world was normality till you came along
Then my heart started singing a brilliant beautiful song
I looked at the world and I felt complete with you by my side I could anything defeat [ Rhyme is fine if creating it doesn't distort the normal word order of a language---"could anything defeat" for example, is a distortion and it makes the poem amateurish]
What you need to do is to either rework the phrasing or not press so hard for rhymes
2007-05-16 10:57:58 · answer #4 · answered by Stephen M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We have no way of knowing what your constructive comments might be on a poem not displayed.
Edit: Your poem is unbalanced and too wordy. What is a brilliant and beautiful song? Show what you mean. Above all, cut and trim unnecessary words until it hurts. Provide a rhythm, or balance, to your piece. Speak the words and discover where the poem falters. Then correct it again.
Most works are based on personal experience whether they are poems, short stories, or novels. Work on your transition, remove or replace wordiness, and always check for proper spelling--as in guarantee.
Good punctuation seems to be your nemesis.
2007-05-16 09:14:22 · answer #5 · answered by Guitarpicker 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess that was too...perspective ,and some words felt unbalanced ,what with the "brilliant beautifull song" ,maybe you should erase the "brilliant" word , and every line is a little longer than you should've written ,It seems that you felt a broken heart ,but ,you don't follow your emotions ,you follow your instinct ,you aren't break the rule of writing ,in poem ,every rebellion is possible ,but the good news is...,your poem were fantastic ,every word is deep ,and every word has a mean for me ,but sometimes i need to read some line twice ,sorry ,but it's nice ,really ,you really enjoy writing it ,thank you for saving a space for my comment ,I like poetry too ,yours...one of the best ,just need a little fix ,okay ?
2007-05-16 11:37:28 · answer #6 · answered by Michael J 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That was a beutiful poem. It alllows others to realize how love can be sometimes.
By the way would u like to read one of mine, if so then here's one 4 u.
Look at Me
Look past my color,look past my family and friends
Look past my faults and mistakes,look at me from within.
I am not my clothes ,materials not even my hair
Look at me, I have many talents that i would like to share.
But i know that alot of you probably don't care
so before the lies and gossip tampers w/ your thoughts of me.
Before stereotypes determines how thing are supposed to be.
Before u backstaband right jab at my heart repeatedly.
Or kill my every hope and dream w/ my past intentionally.
Before you lock my door of life then throw away my key,
and use and abuse me bringing me down to my knees.
Before u turn your back for the 3rd time on me.
Take 2 steps to the side
and 1 look at me.
Tyanna Renee Thompson
Copyright ©2007 Tyanna Renee Thompson
2007-05-16 09:49:15 · answer #7 · answered by dis_dog_bytes 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
i like your poem i believe you should try reading your poem out loud so you can hear some mistakes you have made.... i do this all of the time after i have written a poem. sometimes it takes even months for you to realizes other words or phrases that will go better with your poem.
2007-05-17 01:31:12 · answer #8 · answered by THE MAKING OF ME(YOU FIQURE OUT) 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The poem was good. I know how you feel, ive been in a relationship when the guy said that they would never leave me or anything but, they did.. all you have to do is try to get over it. i know its really hard but, it will work. If you told him that you cant live without them, then you need to prove to him that you can.
2007-05-16 13:38:53 · answer #9 · answered by Crazy girl* 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
nice poem and i know u r going to write one more even more good!
2007-05-16 10:43:56 · answer #10 · answered by FARAH 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋