How do you deal with a parent who engages in abusive behavior even though you are an adult?

Question

I have a parent who engages in emotional extortion or character assination to other family members if you don't comply with their demands. This parent displays a great deal of mysoginistic expectations. This parent has often sloughed off responsibility to other parties, namely daughters, in an effort to get out of it themselves. As a child of someone like this, how do you deal with the power a parent has over you? Also, I need to add that by pulling back from them, they in turn engage in character assasination about you to anyone who will listen. Do I just cut off from the parts of my family this parent has duped. There are several people on to this person and their methods, so I would not be isolated. I would add their health is not great. They use this to create an "oh woe is me" image much like the wife in the book Ethan Fromme. Meanwhile they are not nearly as helpless as they project, but are using this as a ploy to gain power through sympathy.

Answer 1

your an adult act like one and walk away

Answer 2

The best you can do is to remain objective and not get wrapped up in all the family emotions. You do all that you can to help this parent find peace and happiness for themselves. However, we can only help people who are willing to help themselves. You try not to judge, you turn the other cheek, you understand their problems, etc., yet at the same time you do not accept their garbage and you don't carry the baggage.

Those that listen to stories which might slander your character...well they should be smart enough to consider the source, right? If they cannot, well then...we all have our opinions, but even so, don't just cut them off. If your behavior is genuine, reasonable and responsible, you've got nothing to hide or be ashamed of. The rest of them can go jump in a lake, if they can't see the truth of the matter.

You are your own judge and jury...just do the right thing. :)

Answer 3

This belongs in the psychology section of this forum.

That said, understand that you are not alone by any means.

I suggest you read the book of Genesis for a good example of manipulative behavior (by both men and women) in a family. That's how long this kind of stuff has been going on - thousands of years.

Now then, one thing you didn't mention but is this Parent in control of family fortunes and threatens to "cut you off without a cent!" if you don't acquiesce to his demands? And, are you strong enough to resist letting this person push your buttons?

1. limit your exposure to this person. Tell them only good things. Say only good things about your other family members even when Parent wants to deride them. Always always take the higher ground... If Parent persists, let him. Politely cut the visit shorter. He's digging his own loneliness.

2. Say nothing to those whom Parent has "duped." When these people side with Parent, or try to say mean things about anyone, always take the high road. Never say anything bad about anyone - not them, not Parent. Cut gossip sessions right off. Simply state that you will not hear bad things about Cousin Alice - who is truly a wonderful woman going through a bad patch. If necessary, cut visits with them short, too. Trust me. They'll get their turn at Parent's whipping post - it's just a matter of time.

The idea is that by not getting a rise out of you - and by not playing their games, especially Parent's mean games, you will come out a better person for it.

Eventually Parent will have painted himself into a corner from which there will be no extraction. And remember, He will have to answer to a higher power - just like all of us.

But by not playing their games - and always always always speak well of everyone - even your enemies, you will be seen as the good one. It may not be obvious to ALL your family members - but it will be obvious to those who really count - YOU and YOUR MAKER.

Insofar as family fortunes are concerned: remember, you came into this world naked and alone - that's how you'll leave it. So plan on making your own way in between.

Answer 4

The problem is that a parent like this needs to be empowered, if you cut this off much of the abuse will go away.

You may need to cut off this parent in regard to demands on their part. You also need to remain strong on character assassinations as the people that know you will not believe the lies being said and the people that don't know you, well it really doesn't matter what they think.

The one you need to face is yourself in the mirror, stand strong and love yourself.

Good luck.

Answer 5

You are an adult. The only power your parents have over you is the power you give them. If you don't like the way they're treating you, stop allowing it. If they want to bad-mouth you because you stand up for yourself, that's their problem. You can love your parents, but you must not allow them to control your life. When they stop respecting you, learn to stay in your house and let them stay in theirs.

Answer 6

You can't change them.
If you feel like a victim to their verbal spew, then steer clear of them.
There's no sense in letting someone personally attack you because you won't fall for their crap.
And I'm sure other family members are only in contact with this miserable sap because they are family.

Answer 7

You gut them out cold. I have said good bye to my family after toiling for years in and out of their years. Eventually as I hit 30, I realized this is cr*p and why deal. And for me, once it hits my kids (the abuse) you gotta go. I can deal with it but don't mess with my kids. I am much happier. Just say goodbye if they are negative, you don't need it.

Answer 8

Refuse to allow them to continue this abuse. If necessary, alienate them yourself from them!