Should his wife know about his homosexual past?

Question

I grew up with this guy and he was openly gay. I recently met up with him in a different country (after a few years) and found out that he's married to a woman. He told me not to mention anything about him being gay in the past. I can understand him wanting a fresh start but the problem is that I do not believe he is over his gay tendencies. I'm feeling sorry for the wife!

Answer 1

Ok.....a few things I want to share with you. First, there are no such things as "gay tendencies". A person is either gay or they aren't. If your friend was gay in the past, I can assure you he is gay today. Second, as far as his wife knowing about his past or not, it's up to your friend whether or not to share that with her. He can deny his feelings for other men for quite awhile, but they WILL come back to haunt him. You can't escape the real you.

I speak from personal experience. After sharing my past with my wife, we both have a deeper understanding and respect for one another, as well as our marriage. It hasn't been easy, but it's well worth the time and effort we both put into our marriage.

In a mixed orientation marriage, there are many options for both spouses to pursue, as long as they both know the rules ahead of time. I know of many m/o marriages that have implemented an open marriage policy. Personally, my wife and I don't agree with that, but to each his own.

I've made a concious decision and effort to be faithful to my wife and not have sex with other men. Is it easy? Hell no! But I love her enough to make that sacrifice, just as she has made sacrifices for me. Marriage is a give and take, but above all, it's a matter of trust.

I hope that your friend has the courage and honesty to come out to his wife someday. Then it'll be her decision if she wants to stay and work on the marriage or leave. Right now, your friend is being unfair by not giving her a choice. He is deciding for her and that is not right.

Give your friend some space and time to think about it and them share my answer with him. If he's honest at all, especially with himself, he'll do the right thing eventually.

Answer 2

This is a very difficult situation and I do normally agree that in a marriage relationship the couple should be allowed to work it out themselves with out interference from a third party.

However I have personally witnessed several of these situations myself and the devastation this incredible deceit can cause. To those who suggested she may already know, forget about it, if the guy is asking the friend to keep it secret it's because the wife does not know and he definitely doesn't want her to.

A man who would enter into a marriage with that kind of huge lie hidden, is no kind of a person worth marrying in the first place.

I have seen three of these cases, 2 ended up have multiple children together and cheating endlessly during a period of many years with other men then ended up coming out of the closet 7 to 10 yrs down the road and devastating two whole families.

The third was even worse as the gay husband was not only cheating regularly on his wife with other men but carelessly and ended up giving her HIV/Aids which will eventually kill her.

In this particular type of situation because of the extremely serious and even life threatening circumstances, you are dare right if it was me and somebody knew I would want them to tell me absolutely and without question.

And like the fellow said earlier there is no on off switch for gay, you are born that way and it isn't something that disappears simply because you choose to hide it from someone.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay but entering into a heterosexual marriage with such deceit there certainly is.

Answer 3

All in due time, all in due time. She will know sooner or later. Its quite unfair of him and would not wish that on anyone. Apparently he is trying to hide the fact he is gay. My brother-in-law did the same thing and brought two boys into the world and then walked away a few years later with a guy, his poor wife left.... not knowing what the hell happened. He left his boys for 18 years without a trace.
But, had someone told his wife, he would have denied and you would be the rat. Time will take care of it.

Answer 4

I think he probably didn't tell her because it would freak her out, right? Well, being gay was an important part of his life, leaving that out is like leaving out all your childhood or something. He's in deep now, that's for sure. If he loves her and she really loves him, she will find a way to forgive him when she finds out. Maybe she won't be trusting him much for a long time, but if she loves him for who he IS not who he WAS, they should stay together. By the way... notice I said WHEN she finds out, not IF. It will come out some day (Get it? Bad pun!).

By the way... how did he suddenly turn straight? That's uncommon, to say the least.

Answer 5

I would have to ask why you think his personal life and what he is doing is any of your business. What you "believe" may in fact be absolutely wrong. There are many bisexual people in this world. Look at Anne Heche. She shacked up with Ellen Degeneres of all people for years, then later married and had a child. Lot more bisexuals than "gays". You should just not judge, be happy that your friend is happy and enjoying life, and not try and interfere in his life.

Answer 6

I'm really sorry sweety, buti think u should stay out of this... don't mind it... it is his problem and not urs... first of all... to be honest, i dont mean to be mean, but his wife was the one stupid enough to marry him... second of all... u would break her heart if u do soo.... what she doesnt knwo wont hurt... and u will lose a friend over that... im really sorry, but it is their life and she was the one who chose willingly to be with him...u will lose ur friend, u will cause problem in the marriage, and u will really break the woman's heart... if she's meant to find out... she'll find out on her own, when he tells her, or when she see him in the act... but u don't know for sure... he probably is faithful to her... remember if u tell her... u will all 3 suffer from it... let them live their life... and honestly... what i hate the most is lies... but i can't advice u to break her heart..

Answer 7

Me too! I think this is the meanest thing that a gay guy could ever do to a woman. If you are guy do not involve and innocent woman and hurt her that way. If he was guy before you better believe he is sleeping with men behind her back. Why else would he ask you not to mention it to her? He should not be keeping things from his wife anyway especially something so serious!

Answer 8

Marriage is outfitted on have confidence, and that comes from honesty. something like previous homosex is a significant deal. in case you do no longer tell her approximately it, you're mendacity to her. it particularly is a lie of omission. Are you easily specific you haven't any longer have been given to any extent further gay suggestions? how some years in the past replaced into this--optimistically greater desirable than 5 years? it is going to be very, very painful for anybody in case you get married, have childrens, and then verify to tear a family contributors aside like what got here approximately on the stupid Hollywood action picture Breakdown Mountain (or perhaps if the hell it replaced into reported as.) in assessment to the Hollywood version, in genuine existence anybody is devastated for some years after something like that. communicate on your fiance, and confirm you're leaving all that for the duration of your distant previous. Kent in SD

Answer 9

No. You're not in any place to stick your nose in other people's business. Maybe he's isn't gay anymore and you telling the wife will just ruin the relationship. Don't say anything about it because he specifically told you not to and you would be betraying his trust.

Answer 10

I don't see anything wrong with his homosexual past, that should make you feel sorry for his wife.

I think his wife should know about it though, because they are going to hopefully be sharing the rest of their lives together, and if she finds out about it later, by someone else, it won't be too good for him.

I don't think he's hiding it from her because he wants to hurt her feelings, but mostly because he doesn't want her to be embarassed of him.

But, if he decides to tell her, he will tell her when he feels right about it. And if he doesn't tell her, that's between him and his wife.