"If you gonna marry a man, make sure he's not Black"?

Question

I've been hearing this quote from both my mother and my grandma. I told them that the only way for me to have kids and live a good life is to get married and after I'm finacially settle after I'm done with grad school. But my mom has repeatedly told me not to marry a Black man because they don't make good husbands and that they would rather take care of a white woman and her kids than take care of her own sistas. I told my mom that not all Black men are like this. But I can understand where she's coming from because shes used to only date Blakc men but the ones she has dated were bad examples of what a black man should be. so has my grandmother. Why do you think that there are so few Black couples getting married? What happened?

Answer 1

My mother told me that also. I'm not going to say that what she says will not effect you, but you do have to choose for yourself. Like some of the other comments, race is not an issue for anything (crime, relationships, etc.) We generalize about entire groups of people by only the few that we have been acquainted with. I have been with black guys in the past, but i have been with a white guy for the past five years. Something else to remember is that we can't live off our parents experiences. If we did then a lot of people wouldn't be in biracial relationships now. I don't know the facts about low marriage rates among black couples, but I think it could be because women are settling for less out of there men. Instead of marriage, sex, and then children, young women are having sex and having unplanned children. Marriage can be pushed somewhere down the road.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, there are many racist people in this world- even people who are racist regarding races in their own background.
Often times, people do not have negative intensions. It sounds like such is the case with your mother. She has had bad experiences and is using those experiences as a foundation on which to form stereotypes and a racist attitude. Please don't understand my post as putting your mother down, because such is not my intension. I am simply saying that racism is so prevalent, and such an easy hole to fall into, that, often times, it slaps people before they even realize what they are doing.
Bottom line: Rise above this way of thinking. I take it that you are young? You are our future. You can make a difference and be a leader who will work towards change for us all. Marry whoever you fall in love with regardless of race. Care only for the individual- how the person treats you and so forth. You can be an example to everyone that individuality is what matters.

I married a black man. He is beautiful both inside and out. My parents love him dearly and would give him the world if they could, because they know he is a wonderful person. When they look at him they don't see his dark complection, his ample lips, his dry hair, or anything else that is stereotypically known as "black". They see a man who treats their daughter well and loves her unconditionally. People like my husband "come in" all sizes, shapes, colors, cultures, etc.... Keep this in mind as you are dating and getting to know people. Respect, and sympathize with, your mother... But try to impress upon her that people are people and who they are is NOT predetermined by race or any other group.

Good luck, and thank you for your question.
And thank you for being concerned about this issue.

Answer 3

Are there REALLY fewer black couples being married?

Find out what the stats really are, if you are interested in knowing.

As for marriage, IMHO it's a good idea for a person to follow their head and their heart and their soul.

I believe a marriage should last a lifetime -- and that takes BOTH people working at it, no matter what their ethnicity or race is.

Answer 4

I didn't know that, and that surprises me. It may be the whole, "black women are hos" mentality I know some guys have. But I don't think all black men act like that, there are good guys in every race. Some people just end up attracting the wrong kinds of people. What you're mother said was probably just your personal experience and there's no way its true for every black guy.

Answer 5

Hmmm I am married to a black man and he is a chemist, he makes more money than me and takes good care of me and our son, I would not have it any other way... some black men are bad but I think people get what they put out most of the time

Answer 6

In any race there are good and bad. I believe the difference is where you are looking at. Look for a man that is already set in a way of life and he will keep living that way. If he is young or not doing well then chances are he will not be good to look at for husband material.

Answer 7

I think the time a man truly matures is more likely when he becomes a father, not a husband... It is the one responsibility you cannot (or at least should not) walk away from... You can change careers, get divorced etc. but once a father, always a father... I find where becoming a father does not instill maturity, little would... Those are people truly dedicated to immaturity... They will remain so until the bitter end...

Answer 8

Just read te letter from willie lynch about how to break in slaves, and this should answer some of your questions as to why black men (and women), even after slavery ended over a hundred years ago, act the way they do (some of them). I hope this helps.
Also, don't marry someons because of their race. Marry someone because of the way he treats you, and the love that the two of you share.

Answer 9

Your mother sounds like a piece of work! Marry the man who loves and respects you. Don't rule out black men. Don't rule out any race of men. Good luck!

Answer 10

I don't mean any disrespect, but your mom should have told you if your gonna marry a man make sure he has a job, is not in dept, not on drugs, has a good relationship with his family and treats you and others with respect. What color his skin is, is the least of your worries.