Should I stay with my husband of 25 years?

Question

I don't get the affection I crave. Sex is almost nil. But we're good friends and have a lot in common. We still love each other but he just dosn't make me feel like a woman. I feel more like his sister. I am beginning to feel I've let myself down. I didn't have the marriage I wanted and never had kids because he didn't want them. I know I'm a fool - now. But love got in the way.

Answer 1

what the ell are u asking us for?

Answer 2

I had the same scenario and left 5 years ago and it was the hardest thing but before I left for good I had a sit down talk with him and told him how I felt and how we were no more than living under the same roof like flat mates. I poured my heart out to him and asked him if we could try and do things together as a couple etc etc. In the end he didnt take any notice of how I felt and he was so awful to me when I said I was leaving as we didnt share anything anymore. Looking back I should have done it years before but I do not regret leaving one bit. Like you there were no kids for the same reason as you believe me staying isnt going to make you happy and you may not be happy at first on your own but ask yourself what is worse and do you want to feel unloved for another 5, 10 , 15 years I dont think so. wish you luck but I think its probably over and you just cant find the courage to leave but there is nothing to hold you and you know it now!!!

Answer 3

Wow, I read your question and think of what I have just told my recent ex girlfriend. That I wish her well and happiness, but I hope that she doesn't go back to safety and conveyance and give up what she wants for this person who I believe is no good for her only to wake up one day and ask: What am I doing here? Did I just waste half my life? And I read your situation, and you have put 25 years into it, that's a lot. And I am sure though that you love your husband and there is a reason you are still with him. Once you are honest and find out why you are really still in your marriage, you will know whether you should perhaps go to counseling or work on things, or let go and start life anew as painful as it may be. I am only 25 years old, but I have learned the hard way in a short time, that realtionships of love shouldn't mirror a parenting or sibling relationship. Good luck.

Answer 4

You only have one life. If there were children this would be a completely different situation but it sounds to me as if you're hurting more by staying than by going. I would guess you're in your 40s and there's a big world out there full of opportunities. If you do decide to make a change I'm certain that you'll look back at some point in the future with no regrets. The very fact that you're asking this question in this forum means that you've probably already made your mind up. Good luck with whatever you decide and I hope it works out for you.

Answer 5

I can relate very well to your story mine was the same except we did have a child. I thought all was well until one day my ex came home said he didnt want to play happy families anymore and left. You have no children and I think by putting your question here you really in your heart know what the right answer is. Yes you get on well but are more like brother and sister, my 23 year marriage became the same.
Sit back and think do you really love him still or are you just scared of the unknown. I didnt have chance to think it was just thrust up me but now I am far more happier than I was in my marriage it has been a struggle but eventually you pick yourself up and sort yourself out.
You deserve to do something for yourself so if its staying with your other half and being happy with what you have then fine. But as I say I think you know you are starting to want a bit more out of life. Only you can make your decisions we can only share our experience.
Good luck and I wish you only the happiness you would want for yourself. xx

Answer 6

you've hung around for 25 years in a marriage that weren't right, he didn't want kids, sounds selfish, did he ask you if you wanted them years back? your a good woman to stay there, but if your not happy then change it, no can say you didn't try, i lasted 11 years, not something to be proud of an i wished it would have lasted longer but like you i loved him but weren't in love with him, who is that fair on? i ended it and were so much happier now, still really good friends, whilst we were young enough to make it a go with someone else we did, what was to hang about for? your not a fool you were just someone in love and thats not foolish. sit down talk together and ask each other what you really want out of the rest of your lives, if its the same work on rekindling what you had, if its different be fair to each other and seperate, no point still carrying on with differences especially children because its only you who will suffer. you have a right to be happy and only you can make that happen.

Answer 7

Hi! You seem to be going through a similar situation to that of my (separated) husband. You feel that maybe you want "more". The positive thing for you and your husband is that you still love each other!! My husband of 21 years does NOT love me although I still love him. Sad. It's maybe not too late for you to even adopt a child if you feel this is still important to you. I agree with some other posters on here who suggest "dating" again and "putting the spice" back into your relationship. I honestly think that most relationships do morph into a healthy love and friendship rather than retain the "excitement" of the first years. As I said, you still seem to have almost everything going for you. Maybe see a good counselor to discover if you are unfulfilled in other areas of your life - are there other goals and accomplishments you have not achieved and you are transferring some of your unhappiness into this other area?? Communicate with your husband - chances are probably good that he'd like more sex too! I wish you good things - hope you can make it work!!

Answer 8

We are here only once and should follow our hearts...
especially when there is only you to worry about. I am sure though after 25 years you are with someone who really cares for you and is easy to live with (not always easy to achieve that one) also there is a lot to be said for the motto 'better the devil you know'
You may leave and find the love of your life or leave and find a monster...who knows??
My advice is to try to spice up your life a bit and do things you haven't tried before or haven't done for a while it may re-kindle your heart and soul and remind you why you got together in the first place, we all sometimes think he grass is greener and wonder what if etc etc but usually we find we did get it right...

Answer 9

You need to sit down with him and discuss this and see how he feels. Maybe he feels the same. I know 25 years is a long time- i left mine after 21- some of those reasons came into it to- but do you know Amanda for the first time in all that time i found out what it was to be loved properly. I found someone who took care of me, treated me like a sexy loving woman- he made me feel things i never knew possible to experience- it has been a wonderful experience. Now i am not suggesting that you walk away- its the most traumatic thing on earth but if you cannot rekindle the romance then you need to think about your future happiness- and maybe its not even to late to have children!
Libs

Answer 10

"To be loved, be lovable" - Ovid

You are wondering about throwing 25 years down the toilet even though you still love each other? Don't you think that's a little drastic?

The affection is a two way street. Maybe the reason you aren't getting any affection is because you need to do things to get the affection. Get him tickets to his favorite team...buy something kind of skimpy for the evenings...cook his favorite meal...do whatever it takes to get his attention.

If you've done all of these things to recapture the affection, but it isn't working, then you might want to consider other things (counseling, separation, etc). But to end what seems like a relatively good marriage because of this seems too much, too soon.

Answer 11

Have a heart to heart with him. Find out if he feels the same way you do. Work it out. If divorce is the answer, then so be it. I stayed in a marriage for 17 years that should have been over in 17 days - honestly! Don't settle for less than what you think you deserve. I found my soul mate after divorcing my first hubby and we've been married almost 11 years now! What a great thing to be able to say. Lots of luck in whatever you choose to do.