How do I work on my self esteem issues?

Question

I was a really large person at one time. I weighed 220 or so (a size 20) I lost over 80 lbs and got down to a size 6. I am now remarried to the love of my life and gained 15 lbs (actually 20-but lost 5) since we got married. I am wearing an 8 in my pants now. He told me he could tell I gained some weight back, (a request we gave each other early on..) Now I am having such a hard time losing the weight back down and I am worried that he is not attracted to me anymore physically. The intimate moments have really slacked off, which makes me worry alot about how he looks at me. We have had alot of things happen in our lives in the last 7 months, but it still makes me worry. How do you approach that subject without seeming insecure to your partner?

Answer 1

Yikes, I can relate....I was a size 24 (250 lbs) and went down to a size 2/4 (125 lbs)....Just had a baby, and am now 157.5 (who's counting?? LOL).....30 pounds up from where I am my most comfortable.

First of all.....this is your issue, and I think you need to deal with it on your own. Asking your partner (I don't think) isn't the thing to do. I won't ask mine, because what would he say??

Ok, actually, I have asked....lol.....and my answer was that he prefers me at 125, but he still adores me at my present weight.

I think the best way for the both of us to handle the problem is this.......pick the weight YOU are happy at....the weight and size YOU feel sexy at......let's face it, there are some women who feel sexy at size 20 and their partners agree....because sexy is an attitude.....then again, there are waifs who don't think they're "thin" enough, and therefore not sex....

So work until your body matches where your mind is happiest at. Do it in a healthy (both physically and mentally) way.

Do one thing at a time, one day at a time.....day one, add more water to your daily routine.....and do that for a week. the next thing, eliminate pop.....and still drink your water....then stop fast food, and keep up the water.....add walking...and keep up the water......you will lose that extra weight in no time.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Marriage has vows and each person must accept their soulmate, no matter what. You need to sit down with him with confidence, and you should. At the end of the day it is how you feel about yourself and not how someone else feels about you. If we all tried to be "like" a different person due to the whims of others, we would only be puppets on a string.

Intimacy is important in marriage and you need to have dialogue on what is happening in the relationship. Your weight gain has no bearing.....that is an excuse that may be used, but it isn't the real problem.

Relationships have rocky times and it just may be the tumoltuous points in the past seven months. Focus on those things and keep the ears open as you guide the conversation.

But if it ultimately comes down to something shallow like gaining a few pounds, then it is a mate without soul, or heart.

Answer 3

You and your partner have to have a serious sit-down and talk about your needs and how to enrich, nurture and maintain your relationship. Usually, couples let things fade and that's when break-ups happen. So basically, the marriage just doesn't work out on its own. You both need to contribute.

So this includes making some time for each other. Nice week-end getaways, romantic dinners, walks, etc. Who knows if the 15 pounds is bothering anyone? As u get older, it's a little harder to lose the weight but it's all a matter of adjusting your diets and creating a new exercise schedule.

I hope everything works out. You guys might need a marriage counselor at some point. But you both need to open up honestly and commit yourselves to this marriage. It's not easy but it's time to make some changes if the relationship is fading quickly.

Answer 4

Weight is such a tough issue because of all of the self esteem that goes with it.

What I can say is this. I think most men (myself included) are fair. If you are still exercising, eating properly and trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle, I think he would respect you for this regardless of a little fluxuation of weight. You should focus on the process and not the product. You are doing everything you can to make yourself a "better" (for lack of a better word) person, and you should be doing this for you and not him.

On the other hand, if you have lost all of this weight, got married, and have slacked off, then that's a little more difficult to accept. (Personally, I think from a 22 to an 8 is pretty good, so keep up the good work). Get back into good habits.

As far as intimacy, I think its natural for things to ebb and flow. It may be due to other issues. Try getting back to your good habits (assuming you left them in the first place) and see if it helps.

Answer 5

Frist you have to make some decisions about yourself! You have to remember that you have come along way and thata you are women that you want to be and that you first have to valdate yourself. Men are not as emotional as women. You maybe looking for something that he can not give you!! I mean you have to find yourself desireable, attractive and sexy!! Sexiness is 80% attitude!! You have to know you possess it !! People feed off your own insecurites!! He may have some concerns but his concerns are base on the behavior and the attutide and insecurites that you have displayed!! First begin to accept yourself and embrace who you are and celabarate it! When you apporach him just make statements that start when you ............ it makes me feel........ l et him know the importance of feeling secure in your marraige.

Answer 6

Excercise and diet are just a small part of self-control... like not being a drug addict or alcoholic.

Other than that, stop feeling sorry for yourself and thinking of yourself all the time. Just practice self-control.

It's not self-esteem that is the crux of the matter; it's self-control. People with self-esteem issues just have a victim mentality: it's never their fault they don't try, don't succeed, etc.

Answer 7

I THINK YOU SHOULD STOP WORRING ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT, IT WILL MAKE YOU EAT MORE. HE LOVES YOU, AND WILL NOT FEEL ANY DIFFERENT IF YOU GAIN SOME WEIGHT BACK JOIN WEIGHT WATCHERS, THE MEETINGS WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO STAY ON TRACK. BUY YOURSELF A PRETTY OUTFIT, IT WILL GIVE YOU THE INCENTIVE TO KEEP YOUR SELF ON THE RIGHT PATH. I KNOW ITS A CHANLANGE, YOU HAVE DONE IT BEFORE, AND YOU SHALL DO IT AGAIN GOOD LUCK DEAR

Answer 8

why approach the subject with him...he already let u know that u are gaining weight...start eating salads for supper and exercise -- walk, ride bikes, etc.

Answer 9

He's your husband. Be honest.