How many women stay in this kind of marriage?

Question

My husband had an afffair, and his lover told me she wasnt the first. I actually believe her, long story why i do, but i do. And I'm pretty sure she wont be the last. Do any women face this fact about their husband and just over look it and succumb to this kind of marriage? Just because he's otherwise a "good husband" good father, just over all other wise a "good person". sometimes I think of leaving, but do i want to really start over? I just wonder if any other women just accept it and stay in the marriage? BTW, we have 12 years together and 2 kids...8 and 10. And if so, how is life working out for you?

Answer 1

I think counseling could help. I had the same problem early on with my husband. We were kids though, 18 & 19, and just really didn't know how to cope. We went through about 5 years of him being a piece of **** and me being a real ***** before we started maturing and sat down to really talk. We decided we really did want to work it out, went to counseling, dropped all of our past grudges (REALLY hard for me), gave it some time, and now we're much better. There are still issues, but I really think we'll work it out in the end. I have learned to trust again, so it is possible.

In general I don't believe things turn out so well for most people. Try counseling, and if it doesn't work you'll know you gave it the effort.

Answer 2

I completely understand staying in an dysfunctional relationship because the idea of leaving is overwhelming. It is amazing what we can justify and make "ok" when the alternative is so scary. I truly feel your pain!

I have four children (boys). My husband doesn't cheat on me - as far as I know - but our marriage is extremely unhappy. We live more like brother and sister. We have only had sex 3 times in the last year!! He is a very selfish, recovering alcoholic, Although he isn't drinking anymore, he is still the same person. Anyway.....my point is, ANYTHING is justifiable, but it doesn't make it ok.

You need to decide if you can live with this. Think about ALL of the possibilities. 1. He could bring home a STD. 2. He could decide to walk out on you and your children for another woman. 3. He could get involved with someone who is unstable that could bring harm to you or your kids....etc.....

You need to start preparing for the worst case scenario. Start saving money and thinking about what your next step will be if he leaves or if you decide to leave.

Are you prepared to explain his behaviour to your children? They WILL know at some point, and if you stay you need to be prepared for the disrespect that will come your way from them.

Think it through and try to decide what is REALLY best for you and your kids - not what is easiest, but what is BEST! The answer will come and you will be ok! Good luck to you!!

Answer 3

This is all up to you. The kids are going to be hurt both by their father when they find out and they will kids are a lot smarter than you give them credit for. Then by you for allowing this to happen. One day an affair will come along that won't go away. They will stay around and be a thorn at your side. They will know that you look the other way and will be happy with your man. What will you do if he starts a new family? Think about what is best for your and your children. You deserve so much more but more importantly so do they.

Answer 4

I am currently going through the same situation with my wife. We have been married for over 10 years, have 2 kids (8 and 6), I have always been a wonderful husband, father, and friend, but recently she has got involved in an emotional affair and can't stop. She refuses to go to counseling, says "she loves me, but is not in love with me", and she wants a divorce. The initial shock and feelings were very hard to deal with at first, but I am now beginning to realize that I deserve someone that will treat me with the love and respect I deserve. Yes, there are times that I feel sad and anxious about starting all over at 36, but I know that this experience will make me a stronger, better person in the future.

Answer 5

I could never stay. It is unfortunate that you have the children to consider - otherwise you could just run. I know it will be hard to start over but in the end you will be happy. If you stay with him your self-esteem will be chipped away day by day and you will go crazy wondering who he's with, when and where. Every time he makes a phone call you will be wondering. Life is too short for all of this crap. You need to figure out the financial situation, get a good attorney if you think he won't play fair and get a divorce. If he's a good father now he will still be a good father once you're divorced. It will be hard for the kids but they will be fine too. One of my sisters went through hell for years with a cheating husband and HE finally broke it off....it's been five years now and she is strong and happy and her daughters are fine. He HAS been a good reliable father, too - they share custody. You are too good to settle for so little. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Hello. Well this is a hard one, when I move from Spokane to Sioux falls I met this guy we started seeing each other he started having affairs about a month after we started seeing each other. He said this would never happen again, after two years we got married. It was good for a while but he started up again, & who know's he may of never stoped. This time it was a friend of mine, I again looked the other way, one day we had a big party, I could not fined him so I went outside I found him in the arms of another so called friend. We split up for a while, again he said he'd change I took him back this went on for 15 years. I know what a fool ! But as you, I loved him. He was a good daddy, a good husband & I had 4 kids. It did not work for me, everytime we made love, I would think about the other weman he has been with, it started to make me sick everytime he'd tuched me. I was a fool, for letting it go on that long. He got remarried to one of the weman he was sleeping with when we were married. But what is funny, he is sleep around on her now :) What comes around go's around ! If, I had to do it all over again would I ? NO !! I would of left him the frist time he had a afffair ! It's up to you
what you want to do, think long & hard, but if you do stay, it won't be easy either way it's not going to be easy. Good luck :)

Answer 7

I'm a husband and obviously not in your position, but you need to make some immediate demands in your marriage. You need to let your husband know that you will not stand for it and that you will leave at the earliest sign of an affair and then stick to it. It doesn't mean that you can't ever go back, but make sure he is willing to be a real man before you do go back.

Do you want your kids raised in that kind of enviroment? Do you want to one day find out that you've contracted some kind of STD? Of course not. There are men in the world that are faithful and since you are faithful you deserve to be with one. Tell your husband that he's going to have to become that kind of man or you will have to find one else where. Be strong.

Answer 8

You know, we all pick our battles. That isn't a battle that I would fight, not even for a minute. Cheaters are not "good people" and he certainly isn't a "good husband".
Do you have trust in your relationship?
Do you feel secure?
Are you comfortable knowing he could pass you a disease?
Would be alone be worse than being belittled and treated like a doormat for the rest of your life?
Do you want you kids to be that way or be treated that way? (please don't think they don't know. I was 7 when my Mom left my Dad, they didn't tell me a thing...I knew)

Chin up! There is no doubt in my mind that you are a better person than you are allowing yourself to believe you are. Why do that? Sometimes moving on is hard, but people do it everyday. We thought childbirth was going to be awful, but you, like me, went for a second time. All I'm saying is that you know it will be to leave. But it would be even worse keeping a baby inside after the due date.....agree?

Answer 9

Oh honey! What kind of answer are you looking for? Do you want someone to tell you it's OK to be in a loveless marriage with a cheating wretch who does not honor and cherish you? I know it's daunting to consider starting over, by have some dignity! Do you think being a willing doormat is going to change this man? What are you children learning from what they see? Is that what you'd like their marriages to turn into? You already know the answer. Good luck to you!

Answer 10

My aunt actualy just got divorced b/c of the same situation last year. You said that your children are 8 and 10, what is going to happen if they catch their "good dad" doing these things. My aunts daughter my cousing caught her Dad with her friends mom. This was devistating to the poor girl. Just think about spending the next 60 years with a man who is going to continualy lie, cheat, and cause you greif. Next picture yourself finding a new man who will respect you, love you and your children, and treat you how you need, and desearve to be treated. Your children will understand, it will be hard at first, but they will understand. My aunt left my uncle and is now dating a new guy who is very nice and accepts and loves my cousins. It is realy hard to make a big step like leaving somone. You should also see a counsoler in this process to help you deal. Its hard to start over but just think about the wonderful future you could have.