My husband basically told me that he doesn't know how he feels about me right now?

Question

This makes me feel like trash. He's always gone til late. Last night he stayed out til 2:30am "fixing a sewer blockage" (he works for a utility company). I've caught him in lies before of small things he thought I'd get pissed off about like going out and drinking and such. So I don't know when to beleive him. Maybe I'm just paranoid and just don't want it to end. It would be better if he would just tell me the truth and not lie but aside from all that. When he's home, he always seems like he's wanting to be elsewhere. We have a baby to think about too. I really love him and want things to work out but it seems like I'm hitting a brick wall with him emotionally. He has all these friends that are girls and has thier numbers in his phone. I don't mind him having girl "friends" but having their phone #s to me is just taking it to that next level. I just want to be a family and don't want a divorce. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm at my witts end.

Answer 1

I am so sorry to hear you are in this situation, honey.

But from what you wrote, it looks like he doesn't want to be married. I agree with the person who wrote that a man who wants his marriage to work shows it- by being home early and not going out drinking- much less by having women call him!
The problem here is not only he's not interested....It's how you are feeling! You say you love him and want him to change; but unfortunately those things he does are out of your control.
We can only change ourselves- our ways of thinking and doing things. We cannot change others....no matter how much we try to convince them to.

Sounds to me like you need to really sit down and think what is best for you and your child. Do you really want this baby to grow up in an environment where there is so much stress and unhapiness? Children are like little sponges, and they listen and watch what is going on around them. Chances are the baby will think this is "normal" and when he/she is an adult will repeat the same pattern.

I know it hurts---to love someone and knowing they don't love you back -- but I do believe some things happen for the best.
Perhaps now you cannot accept the idea of your marriage ending, but it is not working and you will become sick if you continue living like this.
Please remember God loves you and he doesn't want you or your kid to be unhappy. Look for support and therapy or counseling, because you need to think what you want out of your life. Wasting time is always a bad choice....

Consider your options and if you decide to call it quits you will have the peace of mind that you tried very hard to make it work, but you couldn't do it on your own. It takes "two to tango", and it sure looks like your husband stopped dancing a while ago.....Good luck. You will be in my prayers.

Answer 2

a guy told me that guys only hang out with girls only if they're "interested" in them. if not, they've already done the deed. guys, unlike girls, don't like to be "just friends" unless they want to, you know, for now or the future.

I know this may be hard, but it's not fair for you to go through life feeling this way. Obviously, he doesn't love you; he demonstrates this by his lack of concern for your feelings--staying out late, drinking and sounds like not doing much for your baby and hanging out with other women.

In order for both of you to be happy, you and your husband has got to be on the same page when it comes to what your values are and what to expect in a marriage. It is apparent that you guys are not.

Don't be disillusioned of what a "family" should be. You got to take control of your life and do things that you feel right about. If you suspect he's cheating, he probably is. It seems he has many opportunities to, time-wise and girl-wise. It will eventually come to a divorce at this pace; might as well do it when you're still young.

Think it through. If you've been married one year or less, wait it out and give it some time. Perhaps he needs some time to "mature" into a husband role. If you still feel this way after a few months and nothing gets through to him, it's time to let go.

Answer 3

He's got a baby with you and he's PLAYING??? what a loser he is.... I'd sit him down ASAP and MAKE him tell you what he feels about EVERYTHING----about YOU, your baby, your marriage... EVERYTHING.... he may be feeling overwhelmed but that is NO EXCUSE for messing around with other women and if he has their numbers and is gone a LOT, he ain't just fixing sewers...... don't EVER think that his feelings are YOUR FAULT either---they are HIS feelings and HIS FAULT.... you MAY not like some of his answers, but at least you would HAVE answers.... I'd tell him if he didn't straighten out, you'd leave and take the baby with you and he would be paying child support until the baby was 18....He has to make up HIS mind whether he wants you , the baby and your marriage or still wants to be a batchelor and play around with his "lady friends"... he can't and should NOT be allowed BOTH!!!!!!!! You owe it to yourself to find out if your marriage is worth anything to HIM.....

Answer 4

I'll start this off by saying, "the writing is on the wall, you just have to read it". It is obvious that your husband's interest lie somewhere else, with someone else. There is no reason for you to put yourself through this, you risk losing your self esteem and also the more productive and attractive years of your life by staying in a hopeless marriage. You need to make sure that you keep yourself up, watch your weight, keep your hair up, and when you start showing more confidence in yourself, when he gets home he just might get more interested in what the hell is going on with you. If he still shows that he has no interest, then do yourself a favor and move on. Kids survive divorce, trust me!!!

Answer 5

Have you suggested marriage counseling?

I would be suspect of his actions, I think he doesn't seem all that honest. You should address these issues with him and give him some choices about your relationship. Don't just sit back and let him rule the roost!

Read a book about personal boundaries! Also, you can Google "Personal Boundaries Marriage." I am not all that religious and it's a bit difficult to find non-religious based info... but it's out there!

Answer 6

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I was going through the same thing with my husband, except our kids are older. My husband was doing the exact same thing yours' is going. I love my husband and wanted nothing more than to be a family, but because I wanted to know why he was treating me the way he was I find out he was married when we got married. He confessed to it but said he has not seen his wife and has not been spending time with her. To make a long story short I left. I still love him, but I love my children more and I can't stay in a situation that is making me and them unhappy. They where unhappy because I was unhappy and daddy was hardly home. Keep digging until you find the truth. It may hurt for a while but you will be better off in the long run. Who know it may not be as bad as you thing. I hope your situation turns out better than mine. Don't give up and don't settle for anything but true happiness.

Answer 7

You give him a fair challenge: if he "doesn't know" how he feels about you, then he owes it to you to figure it out.

...and the only way he's going to figure it out is by spending time with you alone. I'd suggest 3 months of one date once a week (it can be a walk to the park if money is a problem). After that time and weekly dates pass, you tell him you expect him to know for sure how he feels about you and to share it straight up so you both can either move forward with your marriage or move forward with a separation.

good luck

Answer 8

I had a live in GF and when my feelings for her went sour I would work extra hours just so I wouldn't have to go home. She was very sweet and understanding about it telling me I should work too hard but the real reason is I felt trapped and wanted out.....so I avoided going home...

You need to draw him out of his emotional shell. To do this you have to make it completely safe for him to be truthful. I promise you....the truth will hurt. Does he have email? If so send an email to him. This email should say,
1. You feel like your losing him.
2. You feel like our marriage is withering away and you don't know what to do?
3. Am I being a bad wife? If I am tell me, TRUST ME to listen to your concerns.
4. I fear you are dating other women. If you are then all is forgiven, just come back to me so we be a family. If you need for me to be a better wife than please tell me....even if it hurts. As much as it may hurt me.....it compares nothing with the pain I'm going through now.
5. I feeling lost. I need my husband. Please tell me why your not happy....if you trust me enough to tell me I can't promise I won't cry...but I promise to listen.
6. I have been giving you you space. When you're ready come and talk to me, I can't stand not knowing where I stand with you. But please make it sooner rather than later...

A written note will allow him to read your feelings OVER-and-OVER. These words should soften his heart. BTW....based on what you have said, I'm certain he has had some liasons outside of marriage. Don't use these words in your letter UNLESS you can back these words up. Unless you know his motivations for his behavior, then you stand ZERO chance...

Answer 9

Miss "un" Lucky, Hon I am very sorry ! You are not true believers are you ? I understand about the phone numbers. You need to accept Jesus into your hearts and start readng he bible ! Get a King James bible and start reading from the begining. Total open honesty is the way to have an eternal happy marrige !

Answer 10

He doesn't want to be married. He will continue to do all the things you mentioned because he knows you don't want to leave. I suggest going to counseling together. If he doesn't want to change, you and the baby won't make him.
Sorry, I was in the same boat. Mine actually ran out the door one day, jumped in his friend's car, yelling go, go, go. lol.
At least I can laugh about it now.
I am happily married to someone else and don't know why I stayed that long.
I hope for both of you he is willing to try.