How can I communicate to my husband that he needs to do his part in our home?

Question

Background:

I work full time, sometimes almost 50 hours a week, in a stressful job at a stressful workplace where I am responsible for directly managing a staff of 35 and doing administration/payroll for a staff of over 100 people. I also deal with customers directly in a customer service role.

I am married to a man of well off parents who was raised by nannies and housekeepers.

He has been purposely unemployed for more almost 8 months.

My husband doesn't do anything around the house, other than play video games and surf the internet.

My husband has been chronically and clinically depressed for most of his life, has never really gone for therapy, and he is very immature for a man of 45.

I come home and the house is a mess, nothing gets done unless I do it, I have to ask him repeatedly to help out with even the smallest of tasks, and I feel like I have a child at home instead of a husband.

I love my job and my co-workers...and am starting to not love my husband because I don't feel like he cares that I feel like I have 2 full time jobs.

I am tired most of the time, am starting to hate coming home, feel like he's taking me down with him, and just want to leave...everything...including my job...which I love.

Question:

How can I communicate to my husband that he needs to do his part in our home so that I don't feel like I am over-worked, over-stressed, under appreciated and wanting to leave?

TIA

Answer 1

damn to long sorry

Answer 2

I'm so glad you asked your question! I've been in a very similar situation and it's not easy. You're being taken advantage of by someone you love. This makes it extremely hard to get a clear perspective. You need to set aside the emotions for a while and think your options through as if it wasn't your husband but another adult living in your home. What would you do then? How would you deal with the situation if a dear friend were extremely depressed and wouldn't seek help? If you can back away from the feelings a little bit you'll be able to identify some options and make better choices.

You need to be able to talk with him about seeking treatment so he can contribute to your marriage...not just financially, or by doing some of the housework. If I'm right he's not contributing to your emotional well being either. A marriage is suppose to be a partnership. It takes two adults willing to put in the work. How serious is he about the marriage?

I wish I could give you an answer that would be easier, but there isn't one simple answer. He's your husband and you don't want to give him an ultimatum you may not be ready to follow through on. Yet, I fully understand being taken advantage of, feeling resentful and unloved. I sought counseling for me which helped me deal with what I could change in the situation - me. Unfortunately, unless your husband is willing to change there is nothing you can do about it. All you can really change is yourself and how you're dealing with the circumstances.

Answer 3

Gee, your husband sounds like my son. I come home from work to a mess every single time. I love my son, but he is a financial and emotional rock around my neck. Sounds like your husband is a burden on your finances as well as your emotions. If he has been raised by nanny's and has never had to worry about money and has been clinically depressed most of his life, then he has been conditioned this way, and I dont know if there is a lot you can say to him. He has learnt nothing about life.....everything was done for him...and you are not going to change 45 years of conditioning over night.

I guess the only thing you can do in this situation is to confront him with the truth. Tell him what a burden he is. Tell him he is driving you insane. Tell him he is an adult, not a child, and its about time he took responsibility for being an adult. I dont do anything for my son anymore. I dont cook for him...nothing...if he wants something, then he has to do it. I am not his maid, and he is quite capable of fending for himself....He is 19, does not have a job and sits in his room playing his x box...thats his life. He is a cranky boy and I would say he would be classed as clinically depressed too. I have tried the nice approach....I have tried everything imaginable, but he has a mind of his own and I cant change the way he thinks or behaves....He is pig-headed and very immature. I am in a better position than you because I know one day he will fall in love, get married and leave home....I know he will become a mature adult eventually. Unfortunately, your husband has already become an adult....but only in age. His mind is still stuck as a child. I bet you have tried all the approaches I have too and nothing works. Maybe the only thing left is to leave....find yourself a flat and keep it the way you want it. Maybe when you arent there, he may pick up his act a bit. Maybe invite him over for a coffee at your place so he can see how happy you are first hand how "unstressed" you are. Maybe if he sees you in a different environment being happy, he may realise that he was always the cause of your stress. Maybe then will he try to be a better person.

Other than that, I dont know what to suggest because at the moment you are just banging your head against a brick wall.

I wish you luck....you have got a huge job ahead of you trying to change a man who has been conditioned this way for 45 years.

Answer 4

It's tough love time, for both of you.

You first: Why did you marry this man? What was it that attracted you to him? Did that completely blind you to the type of person he was? If so, can you recapture that love if there is marginal improvement? Bottom line is, you committed to this guy, flaws and all, now that the flaws are more apparent it isn't really fair to just toss him aside.

Now him: He's lazy and manipulative. He gets away with what ever he can (This is the key to fixing it) and will continue to do so. If he has a chemical imbalance, get him the drugs he needs, if he is using "depression" as an excuse to not have to do anything, get him a kick in the a**. I believe that to be the better course since you said he's playing video games all day and not crying under the covers.

Bottom line: No one is a door mat unless they lay down. You have created an atmosphere where in he can continue to be a child being cared for by his mommy. Rather than hire a housekeeper, hire a babysitter. Neither will solve the problem but the babysitter will be more appropriate.
OR, lay it out for him. This is what adults do, the take care of the home, they take care of themselves, they take care of each other. He committed to you too and that includes doing his part to make you happy.

Finally, as a lazy slob, I too would manipulate my wife to do everything as well. I never really had to do much growing up and as a result, I never learned how. Things that seem incredibly simple to you may be a total freakin mystery to him. Leave directions with the list of things to be accomplished each day. At the end of the day, if the list isn't completed, simply ask why. I guarantee, he will get tired of answering that question.

Answer 5

Well you ask a tough question. How to make someone do something that has been done for them thier entire life. All I can say is you have your work cut out for you and I feel for you. But maybe try giving him a list of things you want done or need done sometimes when people have a list theycan motivate themselves to complete it. Or if he is acting like a child do what you would with a child and take his toys away till he earns the right to get them back. But remember a marraige is 50-50 and if he won't do his part cut your loses and move on. Everyone derserves to be happy don't settle for anything less. Good Luck.

Answer 6

Get the man some help for his depression. Go with him as a couple. Get into counciling. What has changed that he is not working now? He feels useless, with you having such an important job. This makes him feel more depressed that he is not doing more than you. He is the man he should be doing more. If you are doing so well, can you afford a housekeeper ?
You know how to handle your employees , use those same
skills in encouraging him to get a job and seek the professional help that he needs.
You knew who he was when you married him. Help him when he is down. Just like you would help an employee if they needed help.

Answer 7

Well, as someone else mentioned-- hire a housekeeper to come in once or twice a week. Why let resentment build for something that you can hire someone else to do.

You said that he has been clinically depressed for most of his life and it's clear that he is unable to do the smallest of tasks. Yet, you still have the expectation that he should do them and, that him not helping is an indication that he does not care.

Depression is a self focussed illness and it is very difficult for sufferers to see beyond their own feelings-- it's not personal but it certainly affects interpersonal relationships.

I have a feeling that there are more things frustrating you than just the housework-- however, that issue is a simple one to fix-- How nice would it be to come home to a clean house once and a while....start dialing...

Answer 8

Just like you said it to us, then that's what you say to him. The only thing that you should not do is, quiet your job. You are gonna need it, just in case the 45 year old baby does not hold up his part. From now on, when you get home, don't do anything. He's been home long enough to have dinner fixed, the house cleaned and your bath water ran. Stop picking up behind him and tell him what you are doing and why you are doing it. If he does not take your feeling into consideration, then send him back to his nanny.

Answer 9

I would make sure that he knows just how much you HATE coming home to a pig sty. Let him know that somethin's gotta give.
1st he needs help w/ the depression (cause that's probably his excuse for doing NOTHING)
2nd let him know he needs to shape up or ship the hell out.
THis is not fair to you.
I'd sit down w/ him one night and try to find out what he's willing to do.
I had to do this w/ my ex and what I soon realized is that mowing the lawn snow blowing cooking and unloading the dishwasher was what he was "willing" to do.
So, we then made an agreement that if he'd do those things then I'd do the rest.
Hope this helps, a little bit at least.
Good luck.

Answer 10

Your husband was raised in an obviously dysfunctional home if he was raised by "nannies and housekeepers"...his parents probably did LITTLE with him---and taught him that MONEY equaled love and that HE was too good to work--if he had nannies and housekeepers around I guess his parents couldn't have instilled ANY ethics into this guy---problem is, he's been like this now for 45 YEARS and will probably NOT change EVER---you could "beat him with a broom", hand him a vacuum, quit doing the work yourself, WHATEVER and it won't work..... ESPECIALLY when you stick his DEPRESSION on top of everything else.. I have a friend in almost your EXACT predicament ---HIS parents were well off but no nannies but the kids all grew up with NO concept of love, or work... The kids grew up and all of them are the most screwed up adults I've EVER met... my friends husband has severe depression and is Bi-polar and does NOTHING most days but sit in the livingroom with the blinds closed--IN THE DARK watching TV... I have been at their house sometimes when he sits in one position for HOURS and doesn't flinch.. One time I thought he was DEAD---he was just looking off into space not moving. He's been on drugs, been to psychiatric centers, gone to shrinks, NOTHING helps...and he does absolutely NOTHING around the house and his wife works her HEAD off at a job and then at home after. I would suggest that maybe you quit working yourself to death and hire yourself a maid to keep things running at home. WHY NOT? you deserve some help....his parents won't help if they are still alive... and your husband probably will NOT change... Depressed people can't find motivation to do much of ANYTHING (except every once in a while)....

Answer 11

Dear Tia,
Divorce is never a option for non-abusive marriages, so first off - take that option off the table.
Your husband is clinically depressed, that should tell you a lot about his medical condition alone.
He needs care and support from you. I mean, if he's really depressed and you start berating him about housework and start threatening to leave..then this might just push him over to a suicide attempt. Is this what you want????? Your husband to commit suicide.
Give him a lot of support and care, try to spend more time comforting him and get him to spend less time by himself and his TV and games. Give this several months, and when you have his trust, push him towards therapy. Later down the road you can go into couples therapy.
But please, please don't push a clinically depressed person over the edge.
Good luck!