My poem, what do you think?

Question

Spring is Late

Spring knocked on the door,
Yet winter refused to surrender.
In the heart of the night,
The cold drafty wind howls,
Filled with the cries of secret lives & dwellings.
Loneliness & darkness surrounds me,
Only to creep into the depth of my soul,
Black is no longer a color,
My thoughts are no longer one.
My waiting is surprised,
Depression surrounds me,
Fogginess lures me,
Desperation hunts me.
Seconds draw into minutes,
That soon lingers into hours,
That later become days,
Eventually turning into months,
Before they transform into years,
Only to die,
Leaving the loneliness
& darkness to creep once again.
Hollow & dark!
Yet spring is late once again,
& winter lingers on,
Leaving me alone,
Alone
In the cold, dark, depressing, lonely lingering night.

Answer 1

It is great and beautiful! It really made me remember the restless days of winter when it was gray and cold and i felt terrible being stuck in the house.... yours was much more sad though,
though it was sad, it was still so beautiful! keep up the good work! try to get this one published!
i really like the concept of the "winter of the soul" that was really cool
Nghiem E deserves the best answer, she made a REALLY good revision of your poem

Answer 2

1. I would switch the beginning and the end.
Start with Spring being late, and end with winter refusing to surrender. More interesting to build up that way, and leaves the reader with stronger punch at the end.
If you start that way, don't repeat the title or leave it off.

2. Replace all & with "and"; "surrounds" should be "surround"

3. seconds turning to minutes to hours, days, months years
is commonly used expression, almost trite, so I would shorten it if you are going to keep this in. Make the reference condensed and don't draw it out or depend on it for dramatic effect. [see example inserted below]

4. I would cut out multiple references to darkness/night (see below) I tried replacing with "emptiness" and "uncertainty"
since [waiting surprised] did not make sense to me
Not sure what meaning or effect you intended here.
Interrupted? In your mind, breathing or thoughts???
Note: If you move "my soul" to the end, I would change to "depths of my mind."

5. Overall, the spirit of your poem is a captivating theme, but you have plenty of room to work with the words, to "sculpt" out the feeling without being too literal or repetitive. I would be more subtle, implying without overstating it directly.

Spring is Late

Once again,
Winter lingers on,
Leaving me alone.
Alone
In the bleakness of night
The cold drafty wind howls,
Filled with the cries of secrets indwelling.
Loneliness and darkness surround me,
Only to creep into the depths of my mind.

Black is no longer a color,
My thoughts are no longer one.

[Suspended in uncertainty],
Depression surrounds me,
Fogginess lures me,
Desperation hunts me.
Seconds draw into minutes,
[Lingering, stretching into hours,
Days, seasons. Years.]
Only to die,
Leaving the emptiness
to creep once again.
Hollow and dark!

Spring knocks on the door,
Yet the winter of my soul
Refuses to surrender.

Answer 3

Unify the tense of the first few lines with the rest of the poem, and make it present

Spring knocks on the door,
Yet winter refuses to surrender.
In the heart of the night,
The cold drafty wind howls,
etc

Answer 4

The 2 answerers who say unify the tense and invert the sequence of the poem are absolutely right. And you got that good advice for free. Isn't the net a wonderful learning tool?

Answer 5

Pretty good, focused on a particular theme, didn't ramble on and off theme, good visuals etc. The question is did YOU like it...why did you write it\1) to please others 2) to please yourself 3) to write something /let something out that you wanted to/needed to let out?
A good book for me that gave me some fundamental advice and ideas about being a writer(any writer, poet, etc) was\ Palm Sunday by Vonnegut....good advice from a successful writer, whether you like him or not. Keep going!

Answer 6

"Poetry is thoughts that breathe, and words that burn"

Thomas Gray

Answer 7

Wow, Wow. that touched my very soul. i feel the same way sometimes. if you need to talk im me, seriously. it helps.