He has 4 children and wonders if he is doing the right thing for them. His ex had an affair and wanted the divorce. Since then she has said that she wanted to reconcile. She put him and the children through alot of pain. I want to stay with him because we have such a great relationship, but he has not been able to move on and make a commitment. I am completely in love with him, but I don't want to keep hanging on if I am going to end up getting hurt even more in the end.
2007-05-15 05:45:53 · 18 answers · asked by macknboo 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Honestly, I don't think it is a benefit to you or the children to stay. Let him know that you are wanting more than he can offer and that you are moving on, but want to stay friends. If he is still wanting to be with his ex, and her relationship doesn't work out, he will drop you and be with her.
2007-05-15 05:49:54 · answer #1 · answered by buttrfly52 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is almost exactly the same situation I just married into. My husband's ex wife had an affair, left him for the guy and then the guy turned out to be a crackhead and took all her money, beat her etc, and when she found out he was in a serious relationship with me and in fact engaged, suddenly she was miss sweet and wanted him back. Since then we've married and she's really tried to destroy our relationship by of course using the kids (mind you when she was with the other guy my husband wasn't even allowed to see his children and only started seeing them again after I urged him to have a relationship with them). My husband obviously wanted me and wanted to commit. That's the big difference here. If your guy is still undecided and hasn't moved on yet and is "mourning" then I would suggest you stay back. Let him deal with whatever he's dealing with - he's not ready for a committed relationship yet. And chances are, even if he did commit to you, it wouldn't last - you'd "technically" be the rebound. Give it some time, back off- I wouldn't even casually date him at this point because now your feelings are involved and your judgement is clouded by love. He needs to be free to decide what he wants - if it's her do you really want him to decide that on your time? No. So if you love him, let him go and hopefully he'll decide that it's YOU he wants and not her. But he can't make any decisions with you pulling on one end and her on the other end. Good luck.
2007-05-15 12:56:42 · answer #2 · answered by Brandy 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
For your own sake let go. It will not be easy, but this man has a committment he needs to finalize one way or the other and the best thing you can do for not just him, but for you too is to give him the space he will require to make the best decision for himself and his family.
I understand that you want him to know how a good and healthy relationship should be and the fact that you have dated him & he see's that hopefully have an impact on him if he should decide to reconcile with his children's Mother.
As for you, this is going to very hard, but not impossible. In order to refocus yourself, you must know first - that you are doing the right thing by letting him (an adult) make his own decisions. Start by focusing on yourself for awhile - where were you at as far as your own goals & aspirations when you met this man? Go back to that point. You do not have to cut all ties from him, but downsize your boyfriend/girlfriend relationship to a just friends for now & protect yourself from being hurt. Get involved with other activities that keep you around other positive persons and take up a hobby like photography that will take you out into the wide open spaces of wherever you live - snap some pictures have them developed and see if your any good - whatever it takes to occupy the time you would normally spend dating your guy. Get yourself back on track to who you are and where your going with your life and if he's truley the right guy for you - he WILL return and if he's not then the right guy is out there just waiting to meet you!
2007-05-15 13:02:45 · answer #3 · answered by martiek7 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to make the decision. But more than likely people that are married will get back together after seperation. If they are divorced then there might be a slight chance of getting back together. But yes, he still loves her and cares for her. There is no other love than caring for a woman that carried your children. But, then again he loves you too. He is confused. You need to sit him down and talk to him. This could be a bad thing. Tell him that you are concerned about the two of us and you want to know that if he has a slight doubt in his mind about his ex and if there is a chance of reconcilation. Good luck hunnie, but you might want to start to let go little by little so you don't get hurt.
2007-05-15 12:54:57 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Now remember he has a right to mourn the loss of his marriage even if she cheated on him. Give him some space and time. If you aren't mature enough to give him this time then you aren't ready for that commitment. It is expecially hard when kids are involved. You should have known what you might be getting into when you got involved with a man that is divorced or getting divorced. This comes with the territory and he is completely normal to have doubts and feelings. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care for you. If you really love him just be there for him- let him know you will be patient and wait for him to make up his mind-etc. If you can't handle that then it is best to break it off and give each other that time and space. Good luck.
2007-05-15 12:53:05 · answer #5 · answered by hsmommy06 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have stated all the answers to your questions.. he cant make a commitment and you should not keep hanging on because you know that at the end the only one who's going to be hurt is YOU..
There is a famous said that goes a little something like this:
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you it was meant to be yours and if it doesn't then it never was.
Let him go, maybe he wants his ex back and don't want to hurt you.. If he comes back to you then it might just be that he feels afraid of a commitment because he failed his first try... you will never know unless you give him the space he needs to sort his life out. Right now is not fair for you to be with him with all of this going on in his life.. hope this help good luck.
2007-05-15 12:57:10 · answer #6 · answered by boricua_2290 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My best advice would be for you to give him some space. Tell him he needs to decide what is best for him and his children, and having you around isn't going to help. I'm sorry that this may hurt you, but if he decides to go back to the cheater, then you will have saved yourself some pain by getting it decided now. Hopefully, once he sees what a bright and selfless person you are willing to be, he'll figure out that once a cheater, always a cheater, and blow her off. I'm all for saving marriages and families, but I have to question her fooling around in the first place. Have they thought out why it happened? As far as going back just for the children's sake, that may be a little band-aid on a really big wound. Kids know when things aren't right. They are smarter than adults give them credit for. You didn't say how old they are, but if they are young, I think it will be easier for them. Kids are pretty good at rolling with the punches. Some act out, but come around eventually. Good luck.
2007-05-15 12:59:43 · answer #7 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Youre right. He has not gotten over his ex completely yet and it sounds like he may never. He has strong ties to her that may never be seveed due to the kids or whatever reason. Youre just a "band-aid" in the meantime so definitely you need to move on and let him decide what he wants. Youre probably going to get hurt in the end so cut your losses now and g find someone better for you. Sorry, but its the chance we all take in love. Better luck to you next time
2007-05-15 12:57:40 · answer #8 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A few things:
Staying with him isn't entirely up to you.
He has 4 kids. That alone is a fair amount of baggage.
He's mourning his relationship with a cheater: he has low self-esteem.
If he ever moves on from his marriage, his self-esteem will return. Think of him as a patient in this respect, and think of your relationship as a hospital... because that's usually how these things are. What do most patients do when they get better? Don't they leave the hospital in most cases?
2007-05-15 13:02:39 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
looks as to me you already answered your own question. You said you are in love with him right? If he loves you then he will get over her. I suggest counseling. That's what i'm having to do right now. I have a g/f and she is having to go through the same thing with me. I tell her it's not fair but that she will benefit greatly once i'm back to my normal self. It just takes time and if you help him with that, your relationship will be just that much stronger. I think you need to hang in there. That's what is wrong with people today, it's so easy to bail out on someone. If you are serious about having a relationship with him then stay. Can you image how he would feel if his wife first bailed on him then you bail on him? Try putting yourself in his shoes before you make your decision. Just some words of advice.
2007-05-15 12:56:11 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋