I'm trying to figure out why my husband won't divorce me. It's quite obvious that he detests me.He seems incapable of speaking to me in a decent tone of voice(when he speaks to me at all), we have not been affectionate in about a year, sex is very few and far between(and is just that-a piece of a**),leaves a room if I walk into it. The nicer I am, the more he is a d*ck. I could go on and on. It's long and complicated. The only thing we agree on is not wanting to be with each other. So WHY won't he let me go? Does he enjoy the maid service? Is he a sadist? When I tell him that I'll leave as soon as I figure out how to, I get a dirty look. If I tell him "fine, you don't want me, I'll find someone else", I get a dirty look. I think it's the whole "I don't want you but no one else can have you either" thing. Again--WTF?
2007-05-15 04:51:45 · 40 answers · asked by fairygodmother 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I don't know what details you want. We've been together 13 and married 10. 3 kids. Things have been bad for a long while. I am not looking for his approval-far from it. I do have a backbone and do stand up for myself on a daily basis. Believe me, I am NOT quiet. I make my displeasure known-it's just that he doesn't care. As far as a divorce-it is needed. I bring it up all the time. But I do not have any money(stay at home mom) and no one I know has room for 4 extra people, or I would've already left. I'm not an idiot. Some of you have said he still cares and that's why he won't let go. Then those feelings are buried REALLY deep.
2007-05-15 05:24:32 · update #1
Wow - that's a lot to take in all at once and try to answer without seriously screwing something up. So take my opinion with a grain of salt but this has been my experience both with some of my own girlfriends and from some failed relationships that I've witnessed from the outside looking in.
Some men are chicken - yes. Some are lazy and don't want to put in the effort of a divorce. Is he Irish and / or Catholic? You'd be suprised how much that will affect a man in his marriage. My mother is Irish and before her mother died her parents had been silently killing each other for 40 years - the Irish will live in silent agony rather than vocally admit there is something wrong and fix it. And Catholics are not allowed to divorce - it's regarded as a mortal sin punishable by eternal damnation in the deepest depths of Hell.
The number one killer - Pride. You'd be amazed how powerful a man's pride is and what a stupid crutch it is. He's too proud to admit something is wrong, too proud to admit he made a mistake, and too proud to admit that he failed. I know how this is because I've allowed foolish pride to get in the way so many times it's rediculous.
Another obstacle - maybe he's the martyr type. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and in the end he can always blame you. He doesn't want a failed marriage and divorce to be his fault. If he doesn't initiate the split then he can always justify to himself that it wasn't anything he did. For the reasoning on this see above note on pride.
One that most people never think of is fear. Men are raised in our society with this vision that manhood is defined by the gung-ho, fearless, John Wayne attitude. Sounds stupid doesn't it but think about how many times you've seen a man cry, or heard him admit his feelings, admit he was wrong... all of these things are seen as weaknesses and we don't want to ever look weak because that means we are vulnerable in some way and it is unacceptable for a man in our society to be vulnerable. The fact is he may be scared of divorce, scared of being alone, scared of trying to start over. It's rediculous how many friends (including myself) have brought unwarranted suffering on themselves because they would rather live in cold comfort than to face the agonizing fear of change.
The other most common excuse I've seen to avoiding divorce is simply this - he doesn't want to give you half (or more) of everything he's got now and what he'll get until he dies! That sounds shallow and petty but that is a pretty big incentive to avoiding divorce.
Now keep in mind I'm not a marriage counselor, and I've never been married, but I've seen more than my fair share of failed marriages and relationships. I don't know what's going through his head and I don't know everything that entails your relationship. I can't make a fair judgement on who's right or wrong and I don't want to. These things I've listed above are just a few common reasons men might avoid divorce. Who knows - maybe he still really loves you and he's just frustrated with how your life together has turned out. Most men are terrible at communication and rather sit suffering in silence than to say the wrong thing. He may be sitting and hoping you say it for him. I do know this much - life is way too short to live it miserably. If you truely believe the marriage is over, he doesn't love you, you don't love him and it's an unsalvagable sinking ship then take the initiative and get out! Don't drag out the misery of beating a dead horse.
2007-05-15 05:34:44 · answer #1 · answered by blue26 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
well, since i know the situation and agree with most of these people (leave, you have both been unhappy for a long time), i know when i finally broke free of the man i was "stuck with" for yrs,, it felt like a million pounds of pressure was lifted, i started smiling again and realized that i am important and he did NOT deserve me. he is still to this day a miserable person, but i am happier than i have ever been..
i guess what im saying is, yes, it will be rough trying to get on your feet at first, but you are a strong person and you can do it... anyone who knows you would say the same thing... the rest of the family will adjust.. mine did..
you have been miserable for way too long, he's not going to change, you should know that after all these yrs.... just leave, let yourself find happiness again someday... it will happen, i promise :)
and for the kids... all the yrs of arguing and tension around the house has prob done more harm then it would if you got a divorce, when your kids see you smiling again and feeling better about yourself, it will make them feel good..(even when ya think they dont care, they really do, i learned that from mine also) i hope that helps a little :)
2007-05-15 09:57:55 · answer #2 · answered by crazykids07 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look, he won't face the finality. If he wanted more he would move an inch. Just do it and get it over with. The cheating thing is a bad move if you plan to legally dissolve the marriage. Chances are he already is.
Just sit down and write out a 30 day, 60 day, 90 day, 6 month, and 1 year plan for what you have to do for yourself. Living arrangements, transportation, employment, etc and begin executing the plans.
When it is over it is over. Make your plans. Don't be a witch and try to take everything, just get what a single person could legitimately need and use for your plans.
Old Guy
2007-05-15 05:03:37 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
he is afraid to be on his own.. He can't see his way clear that his finances and household will be in disarray if he has to separate it physically and financially. It is basically just the fear of being own his own after however long you've been in this mess of a relationship. If everything is cool in your state with community property and you know you'll basically get your share of that property and kids are not a huge bone of contention, and you don't have to be concerned with some violent retribution (if that's the case it's just gonna take a few more precautions like a restraining order) why don't you make the first move. Get a place make some friends and get your life moving forward again. he'll have to eventually move on as well. maybe he'll even grow up in the process but you can't concern yourself with that.
2007-05-15 05:03:09 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Rather than answer what is wrong with him a better question would be: What is wrong with you.
Probably not the answer you were looking for.
Look lets be honest here. You can't help him or change him you only have control over yourself and by the sound of your question in your case even that is "iffy" !
You 2 are as close as you 2 can stand to be you are also as distant as you can stand 2 be. The only thing you 2 hate more than each other is the thought of being without each other. So you both pick that which is the lesser of 2 "evils" !
Pcycho babblers call it co-depndence. I call it a lack of maturity, grow up and leave already!
[[;-)
..
2007-05-15 04:58:22 · answer #5 · answered by Kimosabe 2 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Do a yahoo or google search and pull up the profile for a pathological sociopath or pathological lying. The lying is a symptom but behavioral disorders are not fully condoned as answers and I do not know why. I was married to one and her mother are under the same psychiatric care. They are smart people but lack the capacity for love and compassion. If he fits the profile in any manner there is advice and direction.
2007-05-15 06:44:14 · answer #6 · answered by atayrie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He may be afraid of how the divorce will go legally. It a divorce ends up unfair, it's statistically much more likely the guy will get the short end of the deal.
2007-05-15 05:18:05 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he didn't have some sort of love for you..or you didn't have some sort of love for him..you both wouldn't still be together. don't give up just yet! Take the relationship back to when you first met. Start dating him again. Playing hard to get. Get away with him...take a vacation that requires the both of you discovering new things. Marriage is hard..difficult. Get yourself a sexy make over..something that he can't resist. Good luck in what ever you decide..but don't give up!
2007-05-15 04:59:06 · answer #8 · answered by justwonderingwhatever 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You can file for divorce yourself. Then if he doesn't want to sign, then its a different issue, but what you can do is start having guys over and live the single life. make a mess and not clean it, or leave his laundry, and just do yours. If its a maid he wants, take that away from him.
2007-05-15 05:11:40 · answer #9 · answered by George P 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
maybe he is soo lazy that he just don't care and maide serveuse isn't cheap so why not!
try stop cleaning the house.. and be mean to him really get into to fights.. But
You said why won't HE let me go?
why don't YOU just GO.. are you waiting for his approveal? are you waiting for him to give you money and leave.. are you waiting for him to tell you to go?
do you want to go? if so then go..
he don't control you but your so =passive that is a bad trait most men don't like it at all... if you wait for his approval all the time and he most likely feels like a dad instead of a lover. so if that's the case why should he treat you like a partner or a lover he is treatting you like a low esteem little kid and that sweet SUCKS.. been there done that! aint going back!
best of luck to you!!!
Gain some balls as some men would say and get a back bone stand up for your self! to him and maybe you will re spark that spark and save what isn't there anymore!
or leave!!! no one can do that but you! so don't wait for someone to give you a helping hand or money or a car or a home go out and ask and look for what you need to get this done!
2007-05-15 04:59:30 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋