Should I leave him? Divorse? or Separation?

Question

We've been together for a total of 7 yrs and married 4. We have a 3yr old and a 2. He has lots of friends, which most of them are Divorcees. They work together and see each other every weekend, and DRINK! too. Its been worse since we've been married. He's 7yrs older than me and still won't mature up?! The alcohol has lead him to be more and more disrespectful towards me (verbaly) with threats. He tells me everytime we talk about this issue, that if I don't like it ,than leave.

Answer 1

By all means, leave. I've been in a similar situation and i can tell you that if drinking with his buddies is more important than being with you, then you are wasting your time. You don't want to wake up twenty years from now and realize that you were never an equal part of that relationship. You have to remember that you are worth more than being an afterthought and your children deserve to see you happy, in control of your life and respecting yourself enough to put yourself first. Its hard, I know from first hand experience. Its not easy to leave, but do remember that if you leave, you better be determined because if you leave and then give in and go back and nothing has changed, you have given your power away again. Additionally, its damaging to the kids to go back and forth.

In my situation I actually left, took the kids (four years old and three months old) moved in with a friend and filed for divorce. Nothing changed for quite awhile, we were bitter, I was devastated and he dated a bit, I'm sure. But he wound up giving up the friends, going through rehab and getting his life together. We reconciled two months after the divorce was final. It was a huge wakeup call and we have both learned so much in the process. We've done some marital counseling and addressed the issues. Not to say that this will be the case for you but if you do leave you are allowing him to be responsible for his own issues and he can either clean up, make positive changes and you will reconcile or you will go in different directions and it will free you up to feel healthy and happy and move on. Threats are just threats. Unless he is threatening physical violence, I suggest letting it go in one ear and out the other. It is an attempt to manipulate you or your behavior. You should never have to live with threats hanging over your head. It is up to you to change your life, you can't make someone change themselves. It has to be up to them or it won't work. Don't engage in useless arguements that only serve to undermine your self-esteem. Remember who you are. Identify that you are a worthwhile human being, deserving of love, respect and support. If you aren't receiving that, ask yourself if he would treat one of his friends in such a manner. If not, why is that? What makes it okay to dump on you and no one else? You aren't his personal dumping ground. He threatens and mistreats you because he honestly believes either he isn't worthy of you and expects you to leave, or because he is calling your bluff and doesn't think you'll go. If you do decide to leave, document every abuse, every time he drinks and drives, see if others you are close to are willing to document, in writing, what they have witnessed. Don't use the kids as a tool in your anger, don't send him negative emails or letters or leave phone messages he can later use against you. The goal is to look good before the courts when and if you need to. Always document everything and take the high road. Trust me, its difficult and takes a lot of self-control but do it. If he sends you threatening messages, emails or whatever make sure you save them, you never know when they might come in handy.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Since he has shown he has no intention of changong for now what more do you need? Leave him and let him know if he ever decides to grow up and be a man you may still be waiting. Meanwhile, i am a widower and am willing to be your friend through this.And i have been sober for over 13 yrs so i'm not selling you any goofy advice. Indications are that he values the drinking and his friends more than he does you and the children and will continue to escalate in the progression of his alcoholism. Unless you want to wait until he starts physically abusing you, which statistics show is more likely than not, you have that chioce. Ask yourself ifit's time for you to be happy in life with your children and without him, or miserable with him in your and the children's life.

Answer 3

you should leave him and file for divorce ASAP, the verbal will most likely lead to physical. You don't wanna stay there and wait for it to happen. Also think about your children, they need to grow up in a loving non-alcoholic home. My father used to be an abusive alcoholic and I had a very traumatizing childhood, watching him beat my mother and brother. Save yourself and your children while you can. Also, you don't deserve his verbal abuse it can be very emotionally damaging and the more he calls you names the more you might believe his lies yourself. You and your children will be much happier in the end. Divorce him and live for you and your kids, when the time is right...a good man will come along who will treat you right, but don't be in a rush to get into a new relationship. Give yourself and the kids time to heal. Seek counseling for yourself during this time as well, it always helps. And remember the only way an alcoholic can change is by their own will and determination, so no matter if he tells you he will stop..don't believe it. it took my mother leaving my father for good for him to clean himself up and it wasn't right away took him a few years

Answer 4

Maybe you should before the rest of your life is ruined. Maybe you need to start fesh and try a relationship with someone around your age. If he's telling you to leave then it seems like he's not going to try and make things better and he's never going to change. You have the advantage because your younger than him and it should be easier for you to make a fresh start with someone new where he seems to be hanging out with the wrong people who may be influencing him. Unless he can start hanging around people who are more equal in status that might be the only solution.It could get worse before it gets better. So it might be wise to heed his advice if you truly don't like it and maybe a temporary separation might just be the thing he needs to see what he's missing with you.Good Luck!

Answer 5

You have two kids, and aren't communicating effectively together about issues in your marriage...before you throw in the towel, you owe it to the children to try everything...look into getting some marriage counseling...quite possibly a therapist can help the two of you come to a compromise and bring your relationship closer again.

BTW, most people who pull the "if you don't like it then leave" don't really mean it...it's more a reaction due to hurt & anger over arguing. However it is comments like that that hurt a relationship, something you (and he) will learn in counseling.

Answer 6

Why is everyone always so quick to get a divorce? That is not the only answer to a problem. You need to have a serious...non yelling or confrontational talk. Explain to him how you feel without telling him what he is doing is wrong like you're his mother. Then I suggest reading "The Five Love Languages" it might be hard at first to follow it but it really will help.....I hope things get better and you don't get a divorce

Answer 7

Sounds like his social life is more important than you. Why else would he tell you to leave? Do you want to be with a man who doesnt put your and your children absolutely first? It is fine to have friends, and socialize and have a life outside of your marriage, but this sounds disrespectful. I would be more worried about his attitude and behavior toward you and quit worrying about the other. Take a good hard look at him and really think about what you deserve.

Answer 8

Well you don't like it and he is indicating that he does not plan to change so call his bluff and leave. If he wants to keep the family in tact he will alter his behavior. Just be aware abusers tend to get worse not better, if he is verbally abusing you now you should probably get out before it gets worse and it becomes physical against you or the children

Answer 9

change the locks immediately, for your kids safety!!! Call the police when he comes home drunk and says he's a acholic abuser. They'll have it on record, even if he have to let him back in. Lock him out every time he goes out to drink. Call the police again and again. Until you get to keep the house and he has a restriction, he won't be able to go near your property again!

Please don't leave the house, you'll torture yourself with comfort for you and the kids. Let your husband leave!

Answer 10

Separation-- give him a scare.

Take the kids and leave--tell him that you need a man and the kids need a father not a little boy to disrespect you and drink it up like when he was young.

This should open his eyes but if it does not then sweetheart you need to take the next step and divorce him. I would.

Good luck!