another POEM??

Question

Ok, I'm finding it VERY hard to figure out the "stressed" and "unstressed" words... I tried to give this poem some...idk... pattern or something. What i did was the first stanza has 5 syllables per line, then the second one has 6 syllables per line. Then the third stanza has 5 syllables per line, and the last stanze has 6 syllables per line.
so i attempted to do this 5,6,5,6 syllable thing...idk... i don't think it works. I don't get how to mark the stressed and unstressed syllables... so idk if they're in the correct order...

but does this seem to make sense? :
))))))))))))))))))))))))

Fading into black,
becoming nothing.
Disappearing quick,
attempting to breathe.
To see becomes hard,
sinking seems about right,
that's all I'm doing.

Finding the purity,
it appears difficult.
Wondering aimlessly,
like some lonesome, old fool.
The black seems to cover,
all that really mattered.
Being lost seems so clear.

Quivering hands search,
for an opening,
where some hope remains.
Such a hard task here,
might I survive this?
A lack of faith here,
dying comes easy.

Having to think quickly,
I’ve taken the wrong path.
It was an accident,
that cannot be erased,
or simply forgotten.
Continue to search hard,
For the small speck of light.

I’ll find it one day,
just not at the moment.

))))))))))))))))))))))))

So what do you think?? Does it seem to flow well?

Answer 1

Yes this flows ... well done.

Of course, my interpretation of this this poem as a near death experience and the search for the 'light' might be totally erroneous. But, if not, I will offer just one piece of (hopefully) constructive criticism.

For me, the rather abrupt two-line stanza finish doesn't sit well. I know you tried five syllables in the first line of this stanza,and six in the second line, to sort of finish the poem 'cleverly' ... and I'm assuming the short shock of just the two lines is the literal jolt back to life .... but the wording chosen gives the impression of apathy rather than the joyous anticipation of a second chance!

In all other respects this is an imaginitive and intelligent piece of work.

By way of help with metre ... if you think of stress in terms of rhythm ... or beats ... it helps. Syllables break down into rhythms. Ergo, 'Fading into black' ... Dum-de-dum-de-dum.

Answer 2

sounds fine to me. the order a bit skewed but not outlandishly so.