We have seen evidence of emotional and verbal abuse for years. We also suspect some physical abuse. She recognizes there are issues but seems to think it will get better. I have read the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. The book is excellent. It helped me understand how a woman can get trapped in an abusive relationship. Reading the book added to my concern, because of the complexity of the issue. How do we get her to understand that the abuse is taking a toll on her and will take a toll on the children?
2007-05-15 01:29:12 · 10 answers · asked by SNG 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sadly, although you would love to spirit her and the children away from Ogre, there isn't anything you can do about your daughter's situation.
What you CAN do is to encourage her to talk about it. Sit there and listen. Don't make any comments other than "Wow. Oh my. Good heavens."and other noncommittal answers.
When she's finished talking ask her politely "now. how do you see yourself in 5 years." and "Have you considered how the way Ogre treats you is affecting the children? Do you think this may have an affect on how the children view you - and themselves?" and "I've heard that this kind of behavior is passed down through generations. Do you think that the children are learning this kind of abusive behavior - and are you concerned that they may be setting themselves up to repeat some pretty serious mistakes?"
If she clams up, then drop the subject.
After several cries-on-your-shoulders you can then get much more pointed - You still have to be gentle - but you can be more firm... "Darling, you've been crying on my shoulder every month now for XXX length of time. I think it's time to stop crying and time to make plans for the future. Obviously Ogre is not going to change no matter how much we would want him to. But that's not going to happen. So it's now time to stop wishing he would change - and take matters into your own hands. I'll help. but it's up to you. And consider what all this is doing to the kids."
She will clam up again. Drop the subject but end all converstations with "Darling, I'm proud of you and want only the best for you. When you're ready to act instead of cry, then I'll be there to help you through whatever it takes to get your life back in order."
With luck and grace she will dump this guy and get a real life.
2007-05-15 01:44:42 · answer #1 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well, just telling her it is talking a toll on her and the children really isn't helping. In fact, it would just make matters worse for her. When women are in an abusive marriage, they feel trapped. She is staying because she doesn't think she has any other options. Does she have a job? If not, she should get one. That will help her gain her independence eventually. Then she stays to protect her children. If they divorce, the kids will go to her ex for the weekend or shared custody and she won't be there to protect them then. Are you prepared to help her financially? Can her and the kids come live with you until she is able to make it on her own? If not, keep quiet. You will only make it worse for the daughter you love.
2007-05-15 01:47:25 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the biggest issue is the children. Little girls are going to grow up believing that a normal relationship is full of control and hurt , and little boys will grow up to treat their g/f & wives the same way. It's part of the cycle. I don't think there is any difinitive answer to that ..other than getting proof and going a legal route which I really wouldn't suggest as it would be difficult all around. I guess the best thing you can do is reiterate what you've already told her ....and maybe try to give her some proof. I think showing her that the kids are going to suffer is probably going to be more effective. Maybe look for some local support groups, but always, always make sure she knows you're there for her to help and support her and more than anything..your grandchildren.
2007-05-15 01:44:00 · answer #3 · answered by aerbare 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good luck. I'm in that same type of relationship now (I'm on here trying to get answers, too) and my moms comments have only made me more resolved to prove her wrong and make it work. We haven't had the best relationship though, so that may have something to do with it. I would die if she heard some of the things my husband has said. I've felt like a failure and I'm just now trying to figure out a way to get past it.
By all means try to talk to her. Let her know youre there for her no matter what and she always has a place to go.
2007-05-15 01:35:55 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he is abusing her physically OR verbally (mentally) its not going to get better. It will only get worse as long he keeps getting away with it. Please try to get her to understand this. She,s headed for BIG problems down the road. The abuser HAS to take responsiblity for his (or her) actions. Verbal is as bad as physical and will probably end up turning physical. Someone needs to intervene before the victim gets hurt badly, or worse. This goes for men and women. It WON,T get better until someone takes responsibility and gets help. It,s even worse when children are involved. They are a product of their enviorment and will probably grow believing that is the way to act as adults. Please try and get the victim to seek help, not only for theirself, but the children and believe it or not, the abuser. I hope things change, before too late, they realize.
I just read the answers the rest of you gave. I can,t believe some think she should work it out on her own. I,ve seen what can happen and probably will as this spirals out of control. Sure it,ll be really tough, but someone needs to get them to seek help. The sooner the better.
2007-05-15 01:50:46 · answer #5 · answered by c99challenger 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just never give up on her, let her know she always has a home with you and that youwill help her no matter what. I was in this situation when I was a lot younger and my mother would say thing like "are you that hard up?" "why would you stay there?", she usually just berated me for being there, this does not help, it made me hate her. Eventually I wound up in the hospital really hurt from this guy. So basically just try to support her no matter what she decides, she will come to her senses sooner or later especially if she knows she is not alone after she leaves him.
2007-05-15 01:47:34 · answer #6 · answered by Stuck in the middle of nowhere 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your spouse sounds like a terrible mom who has various anger themes. you will possibly no longer have been actual to slap her, yet I comprehend what you have been attempting to coach her and that i think of i could've slapped her myself! to communicate like that to a 9 3 hundred and sixty 5 days old is abusive even devoid of the actual factor. She needs help and that i think very sorry for her daughter. perchance you are able to take the daughter and run??? It sounds such as you would be a plenty extra constructive discern than she is!
2016-10-05 02:39:24 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
many women in this situation blame themselves for it. There are self esteem issues as well. It is very difficult to get abused women to see the light. You will just need to keep talking to her about it to help her see that this is not a normal relationship, invite her over and rent the Tracey Thurman story, it may open her eyes
2007-05-15 01:45:47 · answer #8 · answered by glbenner 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
With love, compassion and support. If you do suspect it is an abusive relationship, as long as she has her mindset that things will get better there isn't much you can do.
2007-05-15 01:34:30 · answer #9 · answered by steinerrw 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Loan her the book.
2007-05-15 01:52:41 · answer #10 · answered by elaeblue 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋