Found out that my husband of 3 years has been sleeping with another woman. Should I just move on?

Question

I recently came across incriminating text messages on my husband's phone from some woman and when I confronted him, he admitted that he made a silly mistake and only had a one night stand with her. However,from the text messages she sent she referred to the many occasions he has made her "come"; it is obvious that they have had sex on more than one occassion. My husband cannot even respect me enough to tell me the truth about this fling. He insists it was only once. I am at the end of my rope, I feel disrespected by the lies. I am owed the TRUTH. I now want to file a legal separation but his family and mine are imploring me to give him one more chance, for the sake of our two kids. Every single cell in my body is revolted! I cannot stand the fact that he has been elsewhere and expects to return to our marital bed! Please advice..I am on the brink of depression because this is the second time such inappropriateness has occurred in our 3 year marriage. He blames me for his infidelity!

Answer 1

Hello....first of all I would like to say I will remain as objective as I can on this terrible matter of your's and your husband's.
It is a difficult time, and you must be very hurt; for that I am sorry.
My first instinct is to offer that your husband is a typical example of a self serving, narrow minded, immoral, ego maniac.....but I don't know that, and besides I am sure you will hear enough of these simple minded rants from every other person who will assume that you simply want to hear how pathetic your husband is.
Unfortunatly....you love...or loved this man, and you probably need more reason than rambling.
Let me say this; You have a very powerful reason to leave this man. He has taken you and the children for granted. He has offered you absolute indignity. He has acted utterly selfishly. He has risked your love and stability in life for his selfish satisfaction, and from what I have gathered he has done this more than once...and it is likely he will do it again.
These reasons stand alone; However, we cannot forget that whole "middle" part......you probably love him.
You ask..." Should I just move on?"...what do you want to do?
I want you to know this is supposed to be a hard decision. How can it be easy?
If you stay...it is possible he will change...or he may just do it again thinking you will forgive again....complicated indeed!
On one hand ask, "How much does this cheating cause you to suffer? And, for how many years will you suffer?"
On the other hand..."If you move on ...and leave the relationship, how much will you suffer, and for how long?"
Sometimes you might find in the long run the answer lies in where you will suffer the least.
The point is....you will feel saddness either way...there is no doubt...but which way offers the least heartache over the long range?
We all have trials, and we all survive.
Whatever you decide, you will survive, and you will be happy again.
How long it will take, depends on if you choose the the path of least suffering.
Do not let anyone decide for you.
You know in your heart what you want to do.
Do not be afraid of the pain....you are already there...how much worse can it get?
.....he blames you?.... Smack!
Take care of yourself, and know this, in time you will both be happy again.

Answer 2

Dear Samara,

The next time that you speak with your husband on this topic, make it clear to him that YOU are not responsible for HIS actions. The fact that he is not able to take responsibility for what HE has done wrong and says it is YOUR fault, is not a good signal that you can save your marriage.

If you want to spend time in counseling, do so. Since you seem to be saying that this is the second time that he has strayed, it would be an indicator to me that he will repeat this behavior whenever he pleases, no matter whether your marriage is in good shape or bad. It tells me that he will continue to do as he chooses and he doesn't care if it hurts his family and his wife, nor not.

My advice to you is that you do get counseling because you don't need to carry the issues this infidelity has laid in your lap, but I would end the marriage. This man has shown his true worth - and it isn't much. You need to be able to trust, and that just isn't gonna happen here with him.

Answer 3

Been there. I'm so sorry. Be sure to check out other options first. I didn't and sometimes I regret it no matter how disgusted I felt at the time. It couldn't hurt to see a counselor to at least make sure this is what you want. You could see a counselor together and communicate a little. That's one thing I regret not doing. In the end it boils down to one thing. Can you guys commit to one another again or not? If not then yes, move on. Of course you have every right to be furious over this! And if you guys every see a way to work things out he should be more than happy to allow you to check up on him. If he isn't doing anything wrong there is nothing to hide. If you decide to move on...be strong...you can make it! Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Gosh I'm so sorry, I really feel for you, I will not tell you to reconsider all the things that might happen, but what I can tell you is follow your heart. Some husband that do cheat and it discovered will say that it's our fault because they can't admit the fact that they enjoy the thrill of hiding and meeting the other woman.
Some will suggest to you to see a marriage councilor like what they told me, but it will not help. Ignore your family and his family,this is your life and they don't know how it feels knowing that your husband betrayed you, he took away your trust and most of all he didn't even respect you enough to tell you the truth. Don't let him ruin you, think of yourself and your kids now. And from my own experience,even if you try to forgive, it will eat you alive knowing what he did, so try to be strong and think of you now...........good luck....

Answer 5

Hey,

There are many poor excuses why he has done what he has done, "because if you are not going to give him your body then it his right to go and find it elsewhere" or "don't make time for me anymore, since the children have come", but none of them can be worth the pain of loosing his wife and children if they are truly valued.

In today's society it is commonly expressed by both male and females that they need to have "active sexual lives" in order to be fulfilled. In equal proportions a relationship is built on trust, respect, honesty, communication and sexual fulfillment.

Your husband should have approached you and discussed this in detail prior to satisfying his temptation. You need to decide what is best for you and your children.

If you decide to stay with your husband; there must be clear boundaries and guidelines that must not be broken with consequences to actions. If you feel you can not reconcile with him, then you must move on.

You may seek to join other womens groups; men and women whom have shared similar experiences to you, or you can consider counselling. Dont be afraid to ask for help.

This is not your fault and dont be fooled into thinking it is "...if I had done this and done that he would not have done it". You are not to blame. It was not your choice to sleep around. Don't be scared of change as change can be a good thing.

Take Care Samara.

Answer 6

Stop being stupid. If your parents want you to stay, and he has got rid of her, and you have two kids, you would have to be a nut to break it up, unless you have something better to go to.
As a famous judge once said, "Truth like all other good things can be loved unwisely, pursued too keenly and can cost too much." What do you want to be told? That she is great in bed?
Make sure you make him pay and keep him in the doghouse for a while. He will probably cheat again, but it will be a fair while. I would make sure he gets a vasectomy, because you do not want even more complications.
Life is not always fair.

Answer 7

People can put the pressure on to try to keep things together for the sake of the kids. Wow, do they understand what message they are sending your spouse?? What you need to do is what is best for you. It is hard to go on with a healthy and loving marriage if there is no trust. But, that is only for you to decide.
You know best.

Answer 8

I am sorry sweetie. You need to divorce him. Once he cheats he will again most likely. It's not the end of the world..even though it seems that way. You start second guessing yourself about what you did so wrong to deserve that. It was not your fault. It was him being a pig. Never believe his crap again. File and take time to heal and when you feel like you are over him. Start dating. It will help and make you feel alive again.

Answer 9

The first thing you have to do is make sure you have some finances in your own name. He doesn't need to know about it. Then you should ask him to go to marriage counseling with you to find out why he feels he needs to do this and why he (erroneously) thinks he should blame you. It might be possible to save the marriage. If he refuses to go, then you have your answer. By the way, his family and yours are not part of the equation. They need to butt out, and you need to tell them. If he refuses to go to counseling, you should go by yourself. This will help you deal with the depression. (By the way, I still think he's a jerk and treating you disrespectfully.) If you're going to end the marriage, make sure you plan carefully -- because of the children -- and don't do it impulsively, because he's going to try to make you look like the bad guy.

Answer 10

File for divorce you have already given a second chace next time it will b worse who knows he might bring you HIV and the innocent kids will suffer plz just move on he will cause you lots of pain.