Married to the woman of my dreams for 6 months now, and a problem is surfacing that I really dont like. I know communication is the answer, but my question is how. My wife constantly compares me to her brother in law. Not outright, but through subtle hints. I am a very open, loving and caring man. I bring flowers home every few days. I celebrate our anniversary monthly. We take small vacations monthly. I constantly tell her how beautiful she is (and she is!!!) I love shopping with her for her and her mom and my kids. Not so much for me, but occationally. I feel like I am doing the best that I can but am never quite good enough. It is different than when we were dating, not sure what is the deal. Counseling, communication, all that is good, just looking for some helpful advice in this stressful first year of marriage. I am commited to be the best husband God wants me to be, it is just hard to never feel quite good enough....
2007-05-14 10:02:10 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Here is a formula my husband and I use
I feel _____
when you _____
because ______
There is no other way to address this problem except with communication. Ask her what she likes about her brother in law, that might be a start.
2007-05-14 10:07:43 · answer #1 · answered by Dawn-Marie 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm going to bet that your brother in law is quite the mans man. He would never think of going shopping and flowers are out of the question.
There is some truth when you hear people say that "Women want bad boys".
There are two types of men in the world, the dating kind and the marrying kind.
Your brother-in-law is a dater and you are a husband. It really comes down to communication.
I think that your wife is trying to communicate to you and you are not listening. The subtle hints that she is making should be telling you to back off a bit and stop being so whipped. Start acting like a dating man and set some boundaries. Right now you are letting her walk all over you and she might not want to be in control.
Men are taught to be the dominant partners in the relationship and woman were taught ot be the submissive partners. Although that has changed over the last few decades, there is a fine line that you have to find.
Be stronger with her and she may stop comparing you to your brother-in-law.
2007-05-14 17:54:36 · answer #2 · answered by clutchdoc 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What exactly does she feel is "not good enough"? Not all women look for someone to bring them flowers every few days. What is SHE looking for? Do you know? It's not that you're doing anything wrong, but perhaps you're speaking a different "language". You don't give a lot of details in your question, so I'm not sure what the answer would be. Different people appreciate different things. My husband and I are in the first year of our marriage, and it's not stressful at all; we are really enjoying ourselves. I don't think the first year must necessarily be hard. Try to approach her with an open mind, and listen to what she has to say. Ask her what says "love" to her; is it flowers? compliments? or something else entirely? Just talk to her.
2007-05-14 17:19:31 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just be yourself, nothing more, nothing less. Be the guy she dated. It sounds like youre trying to be someone youre not. Just because you now have a ring on doesnt mean youre not the same guy before the ring. Its understandable that you want to step it up a notch since youve gotten married but theres such a thing as overdoing it which youre probably doing. Youre unintentionally smothering her so back it off a bit and see what happens. Dont worry youre not alone, evey guy newly married does it and learns the same lesson. So just be the guy before the ring,the one she first fell in love with and youll be alright. Good luck
2007-05-14 17:16:08 · answer #4 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Gosh you are the PERFECT HUSBAND! She is so lucky to have you.. Such a good man! Well you seemed to have answered your own question - COMMUNICATION. Honestly, I would subtlely tell her that you really do not appreciate the comments and comparisons she makes about her brother-in-law. Tell her it bothers you... She won't know unless u tell her and honestly, tell her everything you said right here in this question you just asked. She may not know she's comparing... But all in all, I'd tell her exactly how you feel... Good luck
2007-05-14 17:09:41 · answer #5 · answered by Girl Next Door 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your wife may be having a little "buyers remorse". Not that she regrets marrying you, but the what if factor has probably popped into her head. The best bet is to say straight out. "It really bothers me when you compare me to ______. I really love you and would like to know if there is something in particular I can do or stop doing."
The other answer is she likes the attention she is getting from you and hopes to get you to one up yourself by comparing you to her brother in law. Either way...TALK.
2007-05-14 17:12:18 · answer #6 · answered by Gwen D 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to ask her if she is happy with you or not. Is she jealous of her sister? Something is not right. I would fall over if my boyfriend did all of that for me. You are treating her like a queen, and she should appreciate it more. Maybe you didn't do all of that before, and she's not used to it. Maybe she has issues with herself. I would also tell her that she was happy with you before the marriage and you don't like being compared to the brother-in-law. How would she feel if the shoes were on the other foot? You can ask her that, but don't do it, you'l only dig yourself a bigger hole.
2007-05-14 17:10:47 · answer #7 · answered by nascar c 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When the two of you go out alone ask her if she is happy with you. Gradually get to letting her know that she is comparing you to him & let her know that you don't like it. Ask her if she knows that she is doing it. Communication is one of the ways for you & your wife to make the relationship last. You must also have trust, honesty, devotion & lots of love. Lots of luck!!
2007-05-14 17:08:33 · answer #8 · answered by red_shorty_76 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just let her know how you feel. Talk to her just like you just explained it to us. Make sure you concentrate on you so she doesn't feel like she has to be defensive. I am curious about how long were you guys together before getting married.
2007-05-14 17:07:31 · answer #9 · answered by PharmNerd 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, you're married now. She got you. She doesn't have to work anymore. It'll get worse before it gets better. Good luck.
2007-05-14 17:06:14 · answer #10 · answered by Ronin 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋