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Im 33, shes quite 34, we dont have kids!! our marriage right now is in the middle of big big crisis. I have told her that I can't see myself strong enough to maintain the commitment of being married. Obviously she got panic. We 've talking about this and she is scared because she is in a hurry to have kids. I have been thinking to have it with her, however I dont know if I can maintain the marriage forever. Now I do not feel so much deep deep love for her. I feel like a kind of love for a sister or a friend.... Need help!!!

2007-05-14 09:19:34 · 46 answers · asked by NewTiger :) 1 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

46 answers

Then why did you get married in the first place?

2007-05-14 09:22:40 · answer #1 · answered by Moosey 5 · 0 2

If you feel this way, do not have a kid. That will only make things worse between the two of you. Take my word for it, kids do not make things better if you are having troubles. Huge mistake made way too often by couples.

You should quickly leave her, as she will get pregnant right way whether or not you want to. This is what she wants and she doesn't really care what you think about it anymore. That should be all the reason you need to finally leave her. It would show that she no longer respects you or your marriage, however she would still be selfish enough to burden you with a child to support.

Leave today before it's too late.

2007-05-14 09:27:23 · answer #2 · answered by Just a friend. 6 · 0 1

Love is not just a "feeling." It is a choice we make. It is an action, a verb, a way of behaving that we choose to DO. And, the interesting thing is that, if we CHOOSE to SHOW love towards our spouses by DOING loving things and HAVING loving attitudes, our feelings NATURALLY follow those choices and we again begin to FEEL the love that once was there. You and your wife CAN have the kind of marriage that is fun, exciting, and where you two greet each other at the beginning of the day with a smile and a kiss and end the day with each other with a warm embrace. It's all a matter of whether or not you are willing to CHOOSE to love her. For thoughts on the matter, here is a quotation that shows how we can CHOOSE to have loving thoughts, attitudes, and actions:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

As far as the baby goes, men don't seem to grasp that women really DO have a VERY limited number of years that they can conceive a baby in. Men can still procreate into their waning "winter" years, but women simply can't. Plus, children really DO strengthen a marriage. I know that for my own marriage, my first two children saved my marriage. The first caused me not to leave him, and the second caused him not to leave me. The third child is a bonus one, for joy! ^_^

Oh, and we've worked through 14 years of marriage and love each other today better than ever, even though we went through such difficult times that most ppl would have given up. The advice I give you is tried and true, and it works. There have been MANY times in my marriage where I haven't "felt" the feeling of love towards my hubby. And everytime when I make the CHOICE to DO loving things and HAVE a loving attitude toward him that I see almost-immediate changes in my heart towards him and even in his behavior towards me. It is an amazing thing, it works everytime, and you will NOT regret it.

Best wishes,
Momwtrmn

2007-05-14 09:38:02 · answer #3 · answered by MomWtrmn 2 · 1 1

Your vows were not "I promise to live with you until I no longer feel deep deep love for you". You made a commitment to her, for better or worse and you must stick to it. Now, whether or not to bring children into that is another story. If you knew she wanted children and you married her knowing that, then give her children. Put yourself aside here because you made the commitment. People enter marriage so lightly now days and when they feel like "hey, I'm done, I gave it my best shot" they can just bail out. NO, that is not right. Whatever the issues are that you don't "love her" anymore can be worked out and you never know, being a father may bring something out in you that you think is lost. Seeing her give birth to your child will definitely bring you to closer, and I'm sure this is part of her desire. Stop being selfish and hold up to the commitment and promises you made.

2007-05-14 09:29:40 · answer #4 · answered by Brandy 6 · 1 1

What has happened for flame to die out a little? How long have you been together? I woudln't have a child until I figured out why I am not feeling so in love with my wife. As we all know, after a few years of being with someone, the newness wears off but it is replaced with deep bond which comes from a life partner. Stop, ask yourself where are these feelings coming from then go from there. Your wife obviously doesn't want to lose you. She seems committed to your relationship. If you ever lose her, then you will eventually find yourself looking for a woman just like her again....we all do it.

2007-05-14 09:29:05 · answer #5 · answered by kim 2 · 0 1

I'd say work on your relationship ASAP.
If you want to be together and have a child, the two of you must be a team and must have the same ideas about what you want for yourselves.
Having a child out of desperation is never a good idea, yet many women still go ahead and get pregnant....They think a child will tie the man to them. BAD IDEA.

I think you should re-evaluate what you want and what your feelings for her are. And if you decide you don't love her as a woman anymore, don't let her believe things can change or that a baby will make everything better. Honesty is key in a marriage, and sometimes truth hurts.
Good luck....

2007-05-14 09:26:22 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0 2

Raising children is hard enough without adding the stress of not being truly happy with one another. I have been there in my own marriage about feeling like my husband is more like a brother to me, but we got through it and now have a great relationship. I know every marriage is different as most people are different, but if you want to make it work with your wife and think maybe you can re-light the flame you both once shared then do what ever it takes to make it work. Talk to each other, agree to talk to a professional but do talk to your wife and let her know that you want to work on "us" before we bring a new life into this world. How could she argue with that? Good luck, I truly hope it works out for you both.

2007-05-14 10:13:11 · answer #7 · answered by Shabby_Chic 2 · 1 1

Absolutely DO NOT bring kids into this unstable marriage!! I suggest perhaps counseling, and a LOT of work before you decide to have a baby, and if it doesn't happen, IT DOESN'T HAPPEN. While a baby CAN grow up with only one biological parent in the home, it's always best to have both. Both parents are needed for emotional stability, and modeling of behaviors, both manly and feminine. A baby doesn't ask to be conceived, and a child is supposed to be fulfilled by the parents, not the other way around. It's unfair to all parties involved, but esp. to the kid.

2007-05-14 09:27:37 · answer #8 · answered by Cindy 6 · 0 1

If you don't feel the love now than you definitely wont feel it if your wife has a baby. A baby is something wonderful to share with the person you love but if your relationship is already rocky than it will only make it worse. A baby is a huge responsibility for both of you and if your not prepared for it then it could separate you even more. Besides why bring a child into this world if you already have doubts about the marriage, that would not be fair to you or your wife and the baby. Think about it carefully before you make a decision.

2007-05-14 09:26:18 · answer #9 · answered by jacky 2 · 0 2

That's a tough situation. If your marrige does not make it your going to be paying child support. Sadly she's right in being in a sort of panic. The clock is ticking and who really know how much time it will take to have another stable relationship, enough to have children. I say have the kid, you know what ever happens there's a mother that will always love them. Tell her you not ready but will do whatever it takes to make her happy. You already know worst case senario, but best case is a really happy family. After the child you might find you like life that way. Good luck.

2007-05-14 09:27:17 · answer #10 · answered by shadycaliber 5 · 1 1

I think bringing kids into the marriage will put even more of a strain and you might eventually get a divorce. I would say try separation for a couple of months to see if this is what you truly want before taking the next step of children. Hope this helps!!

2007-05-14 09:24:08 · answer #11 · answered by ~*Jill*~ 2 · 0 2

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