How would you have reacted to this?

Question

I'm a FTM, female to male transsexual. Before my transition, I was labeled as a "butch lesbian" and that's kinda what *I* thought I was too..so..I dated other lesbians. Since my transition, I have started seeing a kinda soft butch lesbian woman. We've been close with each other for a little over a year. We both know we love each other very much. We spend almost every day together. Her daughter is very comfortable with me. It's like we're together, but we're NOT together. She finally told me that the reason she can't be in a committed relationship with me is because she's a lesbian and I'm not. She said I go outside the "spectrum" of what she's comfortable with dating.
Keep in mind, everything else about us is pretty much a relationship. We sleep together, share our fantasies and dreams with each other, she cries on my shoulder..all that stuff.
She just won't commit because she says now I'm "too much like a guy". It hurts and I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Answer 1

Wow, this is really touchy. It seems as if she should have expressed this to you from the very beginnning. If u were honest about everything with her and she knew u were transitioning, why did she even open that part of herself to u if u were outside of her "normal scope" of partners?

My adivce is to have a thorough talk with her about what u truly desire from her. If u know that u have fell for her and want a relationship, tell her. And then allow her to express EVERYTHING about it with u. It sounds like u two have pretty good communication skills, but u just arent acting on anything. So it's time for either 1)her to make up her mind what she wants from u, and 2)u need to decide to either wait to see if she comes around, or move on.

U could really get hurt in this situation if u hang on too long to the "hope" of this turning into a relationship

Answer 2

I think it's time you took a look inside again at your gender identity and figure out what it means for your sexuality. She sees you as the guy you present yourself to be, not the butch woman you thought you were before. I've kinda noticed this with some of the transmen I've been around. They were in the lesbian community and after transitioning, they still want to date lesbians and wonder why they can't get any.

Answer 3

I can only imagine the pain you must feel and I am sorry to hear that this is happening to you. Maybe you should just stick it out a bit and see where it goes. It is hard to see how someone could share so much with you and be in love, but not commit because of something that she was aware of from the beginning. She may have just realized that she is not OK with your transition, very sad, but unfortunately it happens a lot. If she loves you, it shouldn't matter. That is a really tough one :( Knowing the kind of person I am, I would just wait it out and see what happens, but that also means more time invested and more possible hurt. I really don't know, I'm sorry.

If my wife came to me tomorrow and said that she felt like she was in the wrong body and couldn't take it any more, I would standby her side and support her in any decision she made. Because I love her very much, and that is what love does. Love is patient and kind and does not place limits.

Answer 4

Sweety, I hate to say this, but I have to agree with the majority of other posters here.

How anyone can say they care for someone and then make such a generic statement like she did...well hon, it's time to move on.

She's only going to hurt you in the end. Obviously she's not as comfortable with you as she may have claimed to be. Obviously she's more concerned with what others in her clique of other lesbians might say about her...than your feelings.

Yes, stay friends with her if you wish, but don't continue with any physical intimacy.
You're such a lovely person, I can't stand to see you hurt.

Love to you darlin', brave one.

Answer 5

Let her go. Move on. I know that sounds mean, but if you keep trying to pursue her it will only deepen the pain. If she can't accept you the way you are than you don't need to be around her. Don't let this get you down and don't think that her opinion means anything. Stay just the way you are and if you're patient the right one will come along; That person who loves you just the way you are and loves you unconditionally. I hoped I helped you alittle bit.

Answer 6

It sounds like she's trying a bit too hard to explain things to herself. She's going to have to really think about her own feelings before the two of you can have a relationship. She may decide she really can't date you, and if so, she'll free you both for real love. I'm sorry you have this complication.

Answer 7

"She's just not that into you."

If she wants to have a relationship, she wants to have a relationship. Doesn't sound like she wants to have a relationship to me. She is also using you. I'm sure she isn't doing it in a mean way, but basically she is getting more out than she is willing to put in. I call this toxic. I know I can't be happy in a situation like that. So I would quit it.

I know it isn't that easy, but I can't see it becoming healthy if she continues to give this response. Work it out or walk away.

Answer 8

Sorry it hurts.
But this sort of thing comes with the scene.
There is nothing you can do. She tells you your too much like a guy.
it may hurt but i think the bottom line is for you to move on.
Also it is NOT True love. People do not make general statements like 'outside the spectrum' if they have met the one true love.
Once you meet the one there is no more spectrum.

Answer 9

"She said I go outside the "spectrum" of what she's comfortable with dating. "

From this statement, I gather that she's not really in love with you. Otherwise, she wouldn't have a problem being in a committed relationship with you.

Answer 10

You were supposed to be a guy at birth, not a lesbian, so you should date girls (if your straight) or guys (if you are gay). Y'all can still be friends. She sounds like a great person to be with.