What can I do? My husband has a starring problem...?

Question

my husband and I have been married for almost 6 years. About 2 years after I married him he began to stare at women. Ok, I understand that it is normal to see, but not to stare.. an example, just the other day we went to some horse races.... some women who were ok... were passing by...he stared at one of them (he was oblivious that I was watching him).. looked her up and down several times and smiled at her... I got so mad.. after I told him about it.. I said and do not deny it... because that is not manly.. so, he didnt deny it... he said that he was not going to change because that was the way he was... that he was not doing anything wrong.. but, my perspective is.. when you stare at a woman like that.. they seem to like it...especially if they are lonely women... and that can lead to something else.. am I exaggerating??? because I feel that I am not.. I feel that he should have a little more respect.. I honestly do not care if he looks, but PLEASE don't stare

Answer 1

Maybe his rude response , "he said that he was not going to change because that was the way he was", was in response to the way you confronted him. Is it possible to have an open conversation with him? Has he been open to that in the past? I assume that he is a rational and logical person or you would not have been married to him for this long. Use a lot of "I feel that when..." statements and "YOUR ACTIONS make me feel...". When you put the emphasis on your feelings and on the other's actions vs themselves (i.e.- "YOU make me feel), there tends to be a better response from the other party. I know that we all have our own problems and that it's easy to give advice; but I hope that your situation works out!

Answer 2

No, you are not exaggerating--or over reacting. He definitely was disrespectful to you, so I understand why you got mad.

Give him some credit (men need that for some reason) he didn't deny it. Can you ask him to at least stop the "stares"..looking is one thing as you've said, but the stares and little smiles are so disrespectful to you. As for the women he is checking out-and how they feel or what they like is total irrelevant.

I hope that he does respect your feelings on this--if not, you have a bigger issue in your relationship that maybe you are in denial with?
Best wishes!

Answer 3

my answers are kind of spiritual so forgive me in advance...

One of the temptations that leads to problems in marriage is the "lust of the eyes". I sympathize with you because my husband had this same problem. The message that it sends to the other woman is that he doesnt respect your relationship and it creates an open door for her to potentially bait him. Your husband doesnt think that there is anything wrong with 'looking'. I'd ask him how would he like it if you stared at guys in his presence? People make the mistake of thinking that there is no harm in looking but the bible says "a little leaven, leavens the whole lump". That means that a small thing can corrupt the whole. The bible also says that if you lust after a woman in your mind, you have already committed adultery. When my husband realized that was what he was doing (and he wanted to be a good husband) he began to bring his body into submission, ie. train his eyes to not stare. (and believe me, I had a husband with a stare so intense it could make a woman with her back to him turn around to see where the heat was coming from) . You are compromising by saying "I dont care if he looks." Its TOTALLY ok to expect your husband to NOT LOOK. I encourage you to share those perspectives with him and then pray that God would reveal to him how hurtful it is to your marriage.

Answer 4

How do you define staring? What you consider staring might be considered a glance to someone else. Maybe you should give him a maximum time like, 1/2 second that he can look at anyone. Of course you could also set some rules for how many words he is allowed to use in a conversation. And if he has to interact with an attractive woman for his job he could always stare at the ground while he talks.

Answer 5

I lot of men look and like to stare but there is a time and a place. We can’t really stop men from being men but when they are with their wives of girlfriends then personally I think it is quite rude especially if it makes her uncomfortable. It may not have anything to do with self respect, you can respect yourself and not want the man you are married to, to be gawking at other women in your presence. Your fears of how far he may take it are also not unfounded. Of course you would be wondering if he would do more than look, it can be threatening behavior. If your husband refuses to stop doing it in front of you then I think he is showing a lack of respect for you feelings. When you are married it is a bit harder to solve since you can not just break up with someone and move on, you are committed to each other so you have to really try and work at your problems. I think maybe you need to re address the issue with your husband and tell him exactly how it makes you feel. No one that loves you should make you feel inadequate. Would your husband like it if you suddenly became very interested in other men? I don’t think so. If this issue builds and he isn’t even willing to compromise it may end up putting a strain on your relationship. Personally I don’t think you should accept it.

Answer 6

Most men and I would also say most women look at other people of the opposite sex, it is natural. If he is staring to the point of wanting their attention right in front of you the I would say that is a problem, I can really appreciate a good looking guy and I am sure my husband feels the same way about pretty women. I cannot control him any more then he can control me, if he wants someone else the by all means I wouldn't want him to pretend to want me.

Answer 7

Its interesting that right about 7 years after getting married people hit that cross road in the marriage where you realize that the dream of your life together is NOT going to happen and you start to find faults in your spouse.

For the first seven or so years you are "in love" which means that you still have some fairy tale ideal of what life will be like together and you think it will happen. However, at about seven years into it the hope of the fair tale ends and the couple either blame each other for the fairy tale not coming true or they accept each other for who they truly are and simple love them. Sadly, many people can't make the transition from "in love" to "loving".
It is you choice to accept him and his bad behaviors or to keep finding fault in him.
However, you do not have any right to try and change him against his will, but you can always try.
I wish you luck

Answer 8

It's natural for men to check out other women. But there is a line that should not be crossed if you're married. And he definitely should not be doing that in front of you. He obviously doesnt respect you. Maybe he feels like there's something missing between the two of you. You should make one last stitch effort to knock some sense into him and if that doesn't work then you need to dump his a**!

Answer 9

The difference here may be perception Maybe to him he is not staring. Maybe to you he is staring more than he really is.

Perception is a funny thing.

My wife of twenty five years allows me to look, stare, gawk, even smile and flirt, but she knows I know where home is. And because she trusts me in that way, I have never cheated.



She even points other pretty ones out to me.

By the way she stares or looks too. That is normal.

Relax a bit!

Answer 10

i would also be very mad... u are not exxaggerating...
i would try and dress up a little more attention grabbingly, and play his game... go to a restaurant with a tiny dress and on the way to the restroom smile seductiveley at some guys...
and part of the game is to not tell him anything about his staring.. like if you dont notice or dont even care... ull start getting his attention again in no time..!!

if this plan doesnt work.... we will come up with a better one...!