I have been married 13 years, to the love of my life. We have a wonderful affectionate caring trusting & loving relationship. The only downside has been that we have not had sex for 7 years. We have no children, so I have not gained weight and got baggy and saggy. I am pretty, confident, hardworking, I am there for my family and his. It started off more less as soon as the ring was on my finger. He didn't initiate sex often, so I would. He rejected me many times, saying he was too tired, not in the mood, depressed etc. I believed him. We tried to have sex, or at least just oral sex but he could not maintain an erection. He kept telling me it wasn't me, it was him. I thought he had a erection problem and didn't want to compound the problem, so I gave him some space. Now he has told me I don't turn him on & that is why we haven't sex. He partially wants to stay with me because he loves me our life together etc but another part of him thinks he is missing out. What can I do?
2007-05-14 05:44:45 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He's not gay, as he mastubates and had said he gets aroused by hearing women at work talk about their sex lives. It is just me - I don't turn him on. He doesn't like role playing, dressing up, I have tried to jump him so many times but he doesn't want to know. I have signed up today for sex therapy for the 2 of us, I hope to god it does the trick and that we can get over this. My life would be so empty without him. I want to shag him senseless about 2 times a day, but he won't let me. My God on saturday, we thought we'd try and see what happened, he said he would have some alcohol to relax him, we got naked on the sofa, kissing, touching etc. He made me come but he couldn't get hard. I wanted to give him a ******** but he said no. What man says no to that?? I feel so empty and powerless. If we were to split I would kill myself, he is the love of my life. I feel so sad. I can't let him see how sad I am, as a crying wreck is not exactly a turn on. What can I do?
2007-05-14 06:18:47 · update #1
There's more that he's hidding from himself.
Did you see that recent "Grey's Annatomy" (TV show) where a couple where the husband having this same problem ... it ended up being a rare medical problem ... so, it may be that you're husband has a medical problem that's he's afraid to face and then blaming you (mean I know, but common) ... OR ... he's got a sexual fetish that he won't dare say outloud in his mind so if he can't say it to himself ===> then how could he tell you???
Marriage had you both take VOWS: better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness & health ... the good news is there are so many resources (doctors, friends, family) available for you to start to cure this to make your marriage better. I would take inventory of what you have and imagine what it could be ... and start moving to that goal ... you can't get anywhere without goals ... but start with baby-steps.
2007-05-14 05:53:37 · answer #1 · answered by Giggly Giraffe 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK - YOU are not the problem here. He may have a medical problem that prevents him from becoming aroused. This can be common in men though talking about it is very TABOO! Shhhhhhhh! In any case, there are products out there on the market that help with this sort of thing & so I would start there. Also, be sure to ask him what it IS that turns him on and see if that's where you could begin to introduce fantasy & etc. into your plan. Just be sure that you are okay with it - never do anything you would be uncomfortable with.
Him telling you that you don't turn him on was wrong & honey - no matter how good your marriage is otherwise - the sexual part of it all is soooooo very important and never to be taken lightly!
If your hubby is willing, see if there is a sex therapist you an both see - there are also S&M/bondage consultants out there too!
Have fun putting the s-e-x back into your marriage!
2007-05-14 05:53:13 · answer #2 · answered by martiek7 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Get out! this is not normal. It is not your fault and he is blaming all his problems on you and trying to break down your last ounce of self esteem. He hasn't even tried to get help for the sake of what is your due right? He has some serious issues and you do not deserve for him to give you the excuse that you don't turn him on. I would wonder how he comes to that conclusion and believe he has tried it with other women as to know that he feels he hasn't a problem with his sexuality. How else does he know that it's you. He is doing something and has hidden this from you. Do not settle for a lovless life with this man. If he really believes this what reason have you to stay and fight for? This is just not good anymore and you need to get the courage to allow yourself a better life. Life is to short and you have already wasted 7 years. GO TALK WITH A COUNSELOR FOR YOURSELF AND SEE WHAT THEY SAY! Good luck sweetie.
2007-05-14 05:58:07 · answer #3 · answered by Lindsey 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you did not have sex before you were married, you took the risk that you would have good sexual chemistry on your wedding night and in your marriage. 13 years later, the results are clear.
If he does not desire you, there is little that you can do. Both of you will starve for the love and passion that all relationships need. You do not need a therapist to tell you that.
2007-05-14 06:07:07 · answer #4 · answered by Monsieur Rick 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It depends upon the guy but some guys are asexual. He wanted a mother and a maid. He got it with a ring. He may be a nice guy, but that is the way it is. What to do? They don't like to hear this here, but join a swingers group. You will have a blast, it will be safe and you can still have your home life.
2007-05-14 05:54:30 · answer #5 · answered by bocasbeachbum 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is an extremely, very undesirable liar. Please tell me which you do no longer purchase that excuse. there is a few thing happening between them, on the two of their areas. His insistence that SHE did no longer something incorrect is maximum in all probability because of the fact he's terrified which you will attempt to confront her - and discover out that particularly extra has been happening. you will desire to offer her a call.
2017-01-09 20:19:06 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Turn up the heat! Jump him in other places around the house other than the bedroom! You don't have kids so you'll definitely have the privacy. Also try introducing new things into your sex lives like toys, role playing, porn, dirty talk, etc. Wear seductive and kinky lingerie. You need to spice it up a lot! Good luck!
2007-05-14 05:50:04 · answer #7 · answered by #1 Lucy Fan 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sounds to me like he has erectile problems, his ego isnt willing to admit that. I would find it very, very hard to believe a man wouldnt be able to keep an erection simply because he "wasnt attracted", Ive seen guys leave bars with some VERY unattractive women.
2007-05-14 05:49:08 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is very abnormal for a man so you might suggest a visit to the doctor and see if he is lacking in testosterone. A hormone imbalance could definately cause this problem.
2007-05-14 05:50:57 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Speak with a special marriage councelor who is primarily focused on sexual matters. He will help discover both what he needs for excitement and how you can participate without making things complicated or jeopardizing the marriage.
Best of luck.
2007-05-14 05:49:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋