I'm married, but am interested in someone else, do you have any advice?

Question

That probably sounds really bad, but it's true. I am 25. I have been married for 4 years and we dated for 5 years prior to that. He is the only man I have ever been with. I have been pretty miserable for the last year. He is disrespectful when he speaks to me and doesn't much care when he hurts my feelings. I have never gotten any real great pleasure out of sex with him. I've never been with another man, but i know it can be better.
There is a guy at my office that i have had a crush on for a while. It has always been innocent and one sided until about 3 weeks ago. In joking he asked me if I wanted to make out with him, in joking (kinda) i said yeah sure.... Not really sure how it ended up happening, but we kissed and it was amazing. Now we both want to go further, but I am worried and confused. I do love my husband, but i'm not in love with him any longer. The man at my work is married, but also unhappy. I don't know that there could ever be more between us... I am so confused. HELP

Answer 1

Sure you can do it it’s your life! The only criteria that can get affected both of yours personal married life as both of you will not be able to keep the same matrimonial/conjugal relationship with your respective spouses as it was before your indulgence in this companionship with each other. Your individuals spouse will not get the same love & affection from you whom they had before nor will they be able to continue with you if they are exposed to your relationship. There will be similar effect on your individual kids too if any of you have them & they will find blame in you for their disturbed family life with parents & that will be true also. In case you indulge is casual sexual relationship once or twice without much sentimental indulgence in this affair you could forget it with time but when you continue it for longer time with a sentimental attachment then this result in total split of yourself in two personalities , a spouse to your spouse & a companion to your companion, here you have to be emotionally attached with both the persons at the same time which is physically & mentally not possible with the result it can spoil both your personal as well professional life too . The only other solution to this is that both of you walk out of your matrimonial life ,get divorce & remarry each other, but that will be time consuming project, that takes years to finalize.

Answer 2

Well, I understand you.
I can really feel your sadness and loneliness out of the lines you are writing.
What would a man probably do in that situation??? Well, I suppose he would find himself a nice mistress and go on with his life as usual ad if nothing strange would happen.
What happens is, that most women don’t think like this, women believe in love and if a woman decides to break up a marriage it is normally because she has fallen helplessly in love with another guy...
The only problem is, that you might expect something from your colleague what he won’t give you... as you said, he says that he isn’t happy in his marriage. Well, might be correct, BUT would he be ready to leave his wife for you or is he looking just for a one nightstand or some fun after work??
What would you expect?
If you really don’t expect anything more than this, well go ahead and do whant you have to do. Moralists will always say that you have to stay faithful to your husband and accept a life you really don’t want to.
Do you think it’s worth suffering for somebody a life long just because you are married??
Drop your life into a litter bin, that’s just the same.
It´s your life and your happiness, so it should be your own choice.
BUT remember: Don’t expect too much from the other guy, as he might not be willing to give you what you desire.
Maybe it would be best to change radically your life. You have a proper job so I think you can live independent from any husband.
Get a divorce, feel free of any burden and then you will get the chance to find somebody who is also free to build up a new relation ship again.
An affair normally isn’t the right cure for a broken heart and lost self - confidence.
If you expect nothing more than sex - go ahead. If you expect a future with the other guy - be careful, you can get burned out inside.
Anyway, however you decide: Be discreet and don’t tell anybody.
If somebody at your work finds out - people start to talk and your husband would know.
What happens between you and this guy should be strictly held between both of you...

Answer 3

Out of a total of 9 years that you have spent with your husband, only 1 year has been bad for you. That should be reason enough to patch up with him and not try and find reasons to widen the rift. When you are seeking better, the sky is the limit. And a kiss and a few words are hardly sufficient for you to understand a man fully. As they say, the grass on the other side is always green. Remember that the other man also has an unhappy married life. And you don't know that between the husband and the wife, who is responsible for that.

Answer 4

I know you are feeling alive again, my honest opinion is this, I came very close to something like this. It never happened, I really wanted it to for some strange reason. I was happy in my marriage, but when someone else showed me intense attraction the LUST button went off and thats all I felt. It never happened we both backed off before it did, and now that its past me I am so relieved that I didn't. It would have hurt alot of people, and now I can concentrate on my family and am much happier. I think we all have that lusty attraction to other men, but in the end don't you think you will get tired of him too. I would seriously try to save my marriage. I know its hard for you to hear that, but nobody likes a cheater, what respect would you have for one another, plus you would be going home to your spouses each night and that will only hurt you. I know you are feeling excited and happy right now, but its dangerous I wouldn't go any further. Really think about what your doing.

Answer 5

You are a cheater, the worse kind of woman. Your husband should kick you to the curb where you belong. You are the reason men don't want to make a commitment, because you can't be trusted. This other man is married, now you are also the "other" woman. I highly doubt his wife would be very happy with you. You deserve a sleaze like this other guy, karma will punish you when the time is right. This other guy doesn't love you, he is just wants to use you for sex. He is lying to you and you are believing it, what does that say about you?

Instead of sneaking around like the snake you are, divorce your husband and sleep around like you want. Have some self respect and do it in that order.

Answer 6

Misunderstandings and bad times are a part of everyone's life but it doesnt mean that you give up at a point of time which leads you towards self destruction. Forget everything and just ask yourself - is your partner(husband) loyal in your relationship ? If he is then i am sorry to say you are the one who is cheating him and you should actually tell him about this. Just try and be more open in your relationship with your husband. let him know what you actually want and see the changes. Secondly ask yourself how long this relation with your colleague will carry ? ( which is just for pleasure).
Finally i would say that feelings matters the most and pleasure is only a fad so dont spoil ur marriage. All the Best !

Answer 7

Melissa,

This is the second time in 2 days I've seen the "I love my husband, but I'm not in love with him" stuff...There are different stages in marriage, and sometimes the excitement calms down over time...But that is no excuse to cheat...I noticed you wrote down some negative things about your husband as far as his behaviour, and I imagine this is to justify what you are doing with your co-worker...also I don't buy the part about "not really sure how it ended up happening"...I think you know exactly how it ended up happening...I don't know if you have kids, or if your co-worker has kids, but there are more than 2 people involved if you decide to "go further" with this...and your co-worker would not be the first guy in the world to tell a cute girl at work that he is unhappy in his marriage for a fling with you (another BS justification for cheating)...

I would suggest if you are so unhappy with your husband, that you seek counseling or just leave the situation BEFORE you go any further...not after you damage 2 or more people's lives...you're not a kid anymore...think very carefully before you proceed with this

Answer 8

I would say for you in this case I would definitely get a divorce. You sound like you know what you want out of a relationship and you realise that you can do better. I cant speak for the guy at the office. Only he knows his real intent. Your conscious will shred you if you commit adultery so I wouldn't do it.

Just let your husband know that your not happy, if he doesn't comply and try to make things better then file for divorce. So if not the guy at work, you can find someone else who will appreciate you more.

Answer 9

You are mature enough to decide what is best for you. Ask yourself and that man, are you willing to divorce your partner? Are you ready and willing to marry each other right away? If the answer is yes, the attraction is only physical. You both may be unsatisfied in your love life. According to your statement, you still love your husband. If it is correct, you need to tell him how your feelings are hurt by his behaviour and lack of interest in romance. You may want to seek advise in that department through marriage counsellor or a sex therapist. Don't make a mistake by confessing your adventure with the other man. If he is street smart, he may have figured out. If not, keep your affairs to yourself. Give your husband a chance. He might be going through some personal problems and his ego may not allow him to tell you the problem. If you love him, he deserves a second chance.

Answer 10

The man at work is a dirt ball. You think your husband is disrespectful? How about a guy who cheats on his wife, asks a married woman if she wants to "make out", and then wants to disrespect his wife further by sleeping with another woman. Stay away from him. He is NO good and will treat you exactly the way he's treating his current wife.
If you are so damn unhappy, either go to counselling and fix it,or get a divorce. Do not cheat on your husband. If you do, you are just as disrespectful as he is. Grow up, wise up. Get over the scum bag at work and repair or replace your current relationship.

Answer 11

I kinda went through the same thing... I was engaged to my now husband. I was working at a bank and had a client that was funny, witty, charming, handsome and rich. He would come in and flirt with me all the time and I eventually developed a huge crush on this guy... to the point of thinking of not marrying my husband. The truth is though, I didnt know one thing about this guy! He was also a show boat, a play boy, etc, etc! Im sure I wasnt the only girl that he did this to! Needless to say, I married my husband and its the best thing I did! Yes, we have had our ups and downs and Im sure there will be many more. But he is truly my best friend. Dont do anything that you will regret!