I love my husband. Our marriage hasn't been perfect. I've been wrong on alot of things, but I've never cheated ever, and never will. However, a couple weeks ago, I accidentally found websites that he visited for internet porn. Not just one, but several. Infact, he has an online file upload account. Our sex life is good, but I did notice he did something slightly freaky, and when I asked him where it came from he said "nowhere". I knew he was lying to me. Now I find myself checking my computer and his everyday...knowing that it will be there. I'm not a bad looking woman at all, but I feel ugly. Porn doesn't bother me at all.....it's the lying, and hiding it. A few days ago, I found evidence that he attempted to secretly film us having sex. Unfortunately for him, I took too long putting our kids to bed, so when I found the camcorder and viewed the tape, it was just him setting it up, and laying on the bed until he fell asleep. What should I do? I feel scared and alone...
2007-05-14 03:55:17 · 15 answers · asked by allthewiserspouse 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Unfortunately the sneakiness and lying about it signify a personality disorder that will only continue to grow and become more of a problem as time goes by if he doesn't get help. As you said, you're okay with porn, it's the lying and sneaking that's the problem. And videotaping you without your consent is sooooooo wrong, it's not funny (you could end up on the internet). You need to sit down with him and discuss this face to face. Have someone take your kids for a few hours, turn off the phones and tv and computers and tell your husband that you two need to have a talk. (Sometimes it helps to write down what you want to say or at least key points before your talk so you don't get sidetracked and skip important issues). You also may want to talk to your family doctor about this issue and get some brochures or something ahead of time that you could read to help you, or you could call your health insurance provider and get a referral to a reputable, skilled therapist. Good luck and God Bless.
2007-05-14 04:03:26 · answer #1 · answered by tersey562 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
GROSS, he was probably going to set that video tape to be viewed by all on the internet!!! You need to rewind that tape and tell him to pop some popcorn you got something for "him to watch". BUSTED!!! What should you do? He sounds like he's gettig too freaky...having set that camera up without you knowing it...very scary and underhanded. How will you ever know if he is hiding a small recording device someplace else? I don't think you can trust him. He is into freaky things now. He is going to involve you with or without your knowledge. You might end up online at some sexpot website! Your neighbors could see it...community...u better nip this in the butt RIGHT NOW. I'd be so firm! "if you don't want a divorce honey...STOP"!!! Then tell him what you are willing to do. Give him boundaries. If he wants no boundaries and no limits...do what you gotta do to keep yourself safe.
2007-05-14 04:08:02 · answer #2 · answered by HeavenlyAngel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He was probably like this before you got married and was good at hiding it until now. Have you explained that you don't mind the porn?? Maybe you should buy him a couple of porn DVD's and ask him to watch them with you. Or go on his computer with your "toy" and let him catch you!!
Thats the only way I think you can get into his world,, if that doesn't work, then I would try counseling.
Good luck little mamma!! I hope in time it gets better :)
2007-05-14 04:01:24 · answer #3 · answered by Kay Ray 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
not nice finding something out like this but it may be that hes new to this found it on the computer and became hooked with it all and hasnt told you about it because hes probably feeling guilty and ashamed. why not pull some porn up on your computer when hes there and say look at this to him etc etc so he knows that your ok with it then he should come clean to you and tell you hes been watching it! see what sort of response you get! you may have been worrying for nothing and finsd once he realises your ok with that sort of thing it might be something the 2 of you could enjoy together!! if he doesnt mention anything to you about his porn then you definately have some communicating to do but dont despair i know lots of men who use porn privately but have healthy long lasting loving relationships with their wives.. you just need some reassurance but dont let this make an otherwise secure relationship be insecure. x
2007-05-14 04:12:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh my goodness, you're married to my husband, LOL. I swear the exact thing happened to me.
I too feel unattractive if my spouse views internet porn, especially when we haven't been connecting. I want to be his one and only, but I do recognize that men are visual creatures and need the extra stimulation. I'd talk to your husband in a non-threatening way...ask him what his fantasies are.
Important: ask him what he was planning to do with the video...distribute it or watch it by himself. If he just wanted to use it for his own pleasure, you should be happy that he's willing to replace porn with porn of you!
Tell him that you understand his need for porn, but ask him if there is any way the two of you can do it together. Tell him you feel unattractive when he does it himself. Perhaps he will come around.
2007-05-14 04:01:26 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
lol...let it be...my husband does to. just remember it could be worse, he could be at the bar...or like at my house, the strip joint literally down the street. i know its annoying and almost offending but let it be. pick you battles, hes not cheating. maybe he's just getting ideas. remember be confident in yourself, that your a good wife etc.... Our sex life is good to, very good, lol..maybe thats y, he's getting ideas.
you need to tell him not to hide the camcorder, set it up, that is for the both of you, put a show on for him, if thats what he wants. it s just for you two...lol... than he'll be watching that nonstop...remember it could always be worse. should you complain at him over the porn...or not helping out with the kids...pick you battles...you cant complain about eveything, even though you'd like to. dont waste you energy and don't get stressed over the little things....save it for the big ones...hehe
have fun making the video tape....just remember to put it away so the kids dont watch...
2007-05-14 04:04:37 · answer #6 · answered by canadian angel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My hubby downloads the porn videos all the time, I found the file labeled " my games " I was mad but I just deleted the whole file, he never said anything and neither did I. I did approach him once and said I didn't appreciate him watching porn or downloading it, that it made me feel inadequate and not attractive. He probably still does but I still delet it all.
2007-05-14 04:06:19 · answer #7 · answered by Marge 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would seriously sit down and talk to him and ask him how would he like it if the shoe was on the other foot.. would he like u hiding and lying.. Good Luck!! I wish u well
2007-05-14 04:01:53 · answer #8 · answered by Sherry A 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel and don't let him tape you and him he can put that on the internet for everyone to see and proble sell it for money. You need to get him help.i would not let that go on with my husband
2007-05-14 04:02:38 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell him that you are not ok with him doing these things by himself. Offer him to do it together, see if he goes for it. He wont have the necessity to do it alone and to lie to you. Good luck
2007-05-14 04:00:57 · answer #10 · answered by Cristy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋