How can you limit a stepparent's involvement with your child?

Question

First, let me say that I am not a jealous or vindictive person...and I have tried to always do things in my daughter's best interest. However, I feel the very essence of my motherhood is as stake, things keep getting worse. The down and dirty of the situation is that my ex's new wife broke up my marriage when I was pregnant. That positioned her to be my daughter's #2 Mommy from the time my daughter was 6 months old. My daughter is now almost 5 and she doesn't seem to differentiate between the other woman and myself. To make matters worse, they keep seeking more and more visitation with her. I don't mind my daughter having a relationship with her dad. I just want her to know that I am her mom. She's my only child and probably always will be my only child. My ex and his new wife have no children of their own...and since we're in our mid-30s, I'm not sure they ever will. Please don't say that my daughter will know I'm her mom in time...because I can't be sure of that.

Thank you to everyone who has pointed out my insecurities. Do you think I'm not aware of that? I fight it with every ounce of my being. Oddly enough, this may be the only thing in the world that I am insecure about, but can you really blame me? Let me add that the other woman has threatened to take me to court so that she can get her OWN visitation with my child.

One more thing. Since a few of you are pointing out that it was my ex and not the other woman that broke up the marriage...I add this information...the other woman knew my ex for a couple of years but the relationship only began after I got pregnant. Also, she was married before and has no children of her own.

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you! The hurt your feeling is huge. And deep down I'll bet your wishing they have there own child and leave yours alone! I know you said please don't say your daughter will know who her mom is in time but I have to say it, Your daughter knows your her mommy right now. She is to young to express in words but she knows who mommy is! Be grateful that the step mom treats your daughter good. And when she's with you spend as much time with her as you can, those mommy/daughter moments will build a bond between you that no one on this earth can break!

I know you resent the new wife, after all she did break up your marriage and the fact that you were pregnant makes it worse. Remember Karma!

Shower your daughter with love, and don't worry about the home-wrecker. Your daughter knows who you are and she will love you because in a child's eye, your the best!!!

Answer 2

First, let me say that you are jealous, you just don't want to admit it to yourself, because anyone reading your post can very well see the hidden messages throughout. I know that it is hard not to dislike the woman and the situation you are in...I'd feel the same way...but so long as they are both treating your daughter nicely and showing her love and attention then you can't ask for anything else. Your daughter is YOUR daughter. No one can take that away from you and if you keep trying to find ways to keep the step-mom out of the pic you are not being fair to your daughter. Relish in the fact that you have two loving people especially one who has no blood ties willing to help love and raise your child. You can't ask for anything better than that. Remember, while she may not be totally innocent, your husband is the one that left you pregnant, not the other lady. Let the fault go to the correct person.

Answer 3

Don't give them more visitation than they are entitled to. At the most they are entitled to a 50-50 split.

Beyond that, you can't and shouldn't limit a positve relationship with another step parent.

The fact that your ex and this woman had an affair is difficult. You are taking the right path by trying to keep things civil with them. I am in the same situation, but my ex left me with three boys, and moved 1500 miles away. My problem is just the opposite...My kids would give anything to see her for 5 minutes a day....

I wouldn't worry about the other woman. Just take care of your daughter. She is very young right now, and anybody that cares for her will become a role model. Count your blessing that your daughter's step mother seems to be stable and at least cares about her. There are many others in far worse situations.

My experience with kids is that they don't take sides and play favorites unless adults get involved. Just let her be a kid, you be a good mother, and don't worry about it. Your daughter will always know who her mom is :-)

NOW...it sounds like you need to move forward with your life and start taking care of YOU. Get a new hobby, or try something new that is outside your "comfort zone".

Have fun, and don't sweat it. Life it too short!!

Answer 4

You asked a question, so you have to expect any and all answers. Yes, you are her mother and of course she knows this. I am a stepparent and have children from a previous marriage so my husband is a stepparent as well. Your feelings are normal and natural so don't knock yourself because you are feeling this way. I do think that your issues have more to deal with the fact that he cheated on you with this woman and she is now a major part of your childs life. What you need to understand is that you have no control over what woman your ex chooses to be with and whomever she may be whether it's the current one or someone else, that woman will be a part of your daughters life. What's really important here is how your daughter is being treated - PERIOD! If she gets along with the woman and she is being taken care of while in their care then that's what you need to concentrate on. She will always be YOUR little girl and noone or nothing can take that away from you. As for the visitation, who cares, be happy that he is still in her life as many children, unfortunately don't have that. Consider yourself lucky that your daughter has so many people in her life that want to spend time with her and love her. Who knows, the shoe may be on the other foot one day for your ex as you may not be single for the rest of your life and he too will have to deal with a stepparent. Being a stepparent comes with many challenges, but the goal is to keep the child safe and happy, and as the adults it is up to all of us to ensure it happens and get along for the childs sake. Remember this, she only has one real mommy and daddy, she knows this and they cannot ever be replaced!!!

Answer 5

uh no. as a stepparent...she has no visitation rights at all. so that threat is just abou the stupidest thing i have ever heard. and the fact that she is using this as a threat..goes to show she's not looking to see your daughter to be with her, but to only be vindictive. the dumb broad made her point, she broke up your marriage...she's a whore...congratulations for her! (notice sarcasm) yes, your daughter will always remember you are her mother. that will never change. i can promise you. at some point in time, if those two break up...how much will that stupid woman actually make a point to keep in contact with your daughter? seriously, don't worry about it. just be there for your daughter and be the best mother you know how. this is not a competition for your daughter's feelings. don't fall into that game. it will only harm your relationship with your daughter.
as for them seeking more visitation, start enrolling your daughter in all sorts of activities. gym, ballet, even group therapy for the family (it can only benefit since the both of you went through a separation) this ties up the time that is available for that nutcase to try and increase visitation.

Answer 6

You ask for advice and then you say please don't tell you what you don't want to hear? ;-)

Your daughter WILL know you're her mother. I can understand your anger towards this woman. You have every right to be angry.

Do you share joint custody? You don't say that in the post. You say they're requestion more and more visitation, which does indicate to me that you have custody and they see her less often than you. Your child WILL know you're her mother. I promise.

What do you want from this situation? What do you see happening? Do you want your daughter to dislike her step mom as much as you do? Surely you don't want her to be miserable? Perhaps the step-mom does care about the child. Can't you appreciate that she is being loving to the child instead of controlling and manipulative?

There is no competition. She is going to have a strong influence in your daughter's life whether you like it or not. I'd say only good things about the woman. If your daughter asks direct questions, try to answer them without bias. Always show her how much you love her. There isn't ONLY SO MUCH mommy love to go around. Your daughter can love her and her step mother...love is endless.

Be thankful she is nice to your daughter.

Answer 7

There is always enough love to go around for everybody! If the stepmom is good to your daughter let it be. The stepmom loving your daughter is a good thing and you should be happy for your little girl. Nothing is being taken from you except your own fears of insecurity and you should not affect your daughter from this. Get help with a conselor so your daughter will not be made to feel she is being disloyal to you! Allow her to love freely and without your involvement. This is healthy ......and even though the stepmom was involved during your break-up with the marriage....something was wrong with you and him. They are still together and now you all do what is best for the child....it isn't about you anymore. If the stepmom is good this could be a wonderfull thing and you know she is loved and safe. Look at her as a bonus to your childs life......children can never be given enough love in this world and it makes them feel important and secure. Don't discourage and feel threatened by their relationship allow your daughter to have the best of both worlds. I do understand your feelings but it has to be about your daughter being accepted and loved by all of you. If you are uncomfortable with more visitation than you have the right to limit them. ...but as long as they are doing it for the best intrest of your daughter than try to understand that.....if it is for any other reason that they are trying to take full custody that is bad intent. Only you know what is behind that and let them know that is never going to happen. I don't mean to be rude only speaking on being a stepmom myself. My ex husbands wife caused alot of anxiety with his children having much to do with them not being close with us today and we have been together for 20yr's. It has hurt his children and to this day are confused about their lives with us. I wish things could have been different but the ex would never allow it. I have four of my own children and would have loved his two boys in my life to be there for them....I would never have taken anything away from her....I just wanted to love the children. So think about things on your daughters behalf and allow the love to happen as long as it is not a ploy against you as her mother. You will always be her mom and she will understand that as she becomes older. I wish you the best sweetie.

Answer 8

Good God get over it. Why would you want to take away your child's sense of security like that?? You are her mother. She lives with you. You have a bond with her that a step parent will never have.

Just let the kid have a #2 mommy. As long as the woman is good to your daughter, you should be happy for your kid. You sound really juvenile and vindictive. YOU are doing harm to your child with your insecurities.You are letting your hurt feelings over the past interfere with your daughter's happiness.

Answer 9

Believe it or not, your daughter does know you are her mother. As hard as it is you should be glad she is so close to her step mother. I know it sucks as a mother, because you feel like you are losing her, but it is the best thing for your child and ultimately that is what matters. Her feelings, not yours. You are both a huge part of her life and for her to feel accepted by both of you is great.
She knows you are her real mom, but she loves her step mom too. It's not fair to her to try to stop that. She is only 5. If you are willing to share her now, I promise she will be grateful for it. She will never have to know the pain of feeling like she is betraying you because she likes her dads wife. I went through that as a kid. My mom hated my step mom and I knew it (he also cheated with her and married her), so when I didn't hate her too, I felt like I was a horrible daughter. Don't do that to your child. They never get over it.

Honestly, when it comes to visitation, she wouldn't be awarded any on her own. That is unheard of. They wouldn't take time away from you to spend more time with her. Let her threaten all she wants, it won't happen, but as for her loving your daughter and treating as her own, as hard as it is, be grateful. I only say that for your child's benefit. I understand where you are coming from, but it is her that needs the stability. She is the child.

Answer 10

If she lives with you then she already knows who her mother is. There is nothing legal you can do about how much time she spends with your daughter.Unless she divorces your ex she always will be. You have to accept the fact that your child has 3 parents. the situation will be better for her if the three of you can work together and not try to one-up each other.