Am I being selfish?

Question

I've always been the most responsible among my siblings and I try my best not to disappoint my parents throughout my life. I have been trying to help out every time my parents quarreled even after I got married.

More recently, we started our own family and I now have a baby. Perhaps due to the stress of taking care of my baby and managing our own family matters, I get very affected every time my parents have some problem between themselves. This is especially when my mum started calling me with all her problem with dad. Although I tried listening but it really feels like a heavy cross that I have to carry everytime...

This has even started to affect my husband and my baby. Just 2 weeks ago, due to the stress from parents' problems, myself have not been sleeping well, which also affected my husband and baby. Both of them fall sick because of this... I'm so stressed that sometimes I just want to turn a blind eye and live my life without being emotionally affected. Is this selfish?

Answer 1

You can have your mother start a Journal to help her get out her frustrations and then maybe she can every so often pick one thing that is bugging her most and seek advise from you or someone else. I am sure there are women her own age that are going through the same things.

Most people who write it down can go back and figure out the problems them selves after re-reading what they have written. you never know maybe she can publish what she learns about herself and these trials.

Answer 2

Its not selfish.

I was the same way. When my parents almost got divorced almost two years ago, I was the go between. It was the hardest couple of months of my life.

I don't regret doing it, but at the same time I feel that parents should not place their problems on their children. Even when children are grown, they still like to look to their parents for advice and as a stable relationship. By telling their children all their marital problems, they take that away from their kids.

Now I don't even have a family.
With you, the moment you said "I do" your primary responsibility became to your husband and after that your children.

Tell you mother how this is affecting you. Offer to help as much as you can, but let her know that you have other responsibilities that come first. Your family's health is the most important. She as a mother should be able to understand this. If she doesn't, she's the one who's being selfish.

Hope this helps.
Good Luck
~Jade~

Answer 3

Yes you have to turn them off and let them deal with their own problems. You have your own life and your own family to be concerned with! They are mature adults and are very capable of handling their own stress and not putting it on you and your husband. If they affect your life what will you have? Nothing....because they will tear down your marriage because they don't work on their own. Suggest to both of them that they need counseling because you can't handle the stress anymore. They have a grandchild and could be enjoying that in their lives and they are cutting the child short. Don't allow them to take away from you the baby and your husband....this isn't fair and it needs to stop! Tell the parents you love them both and you will not be put in the battles between them....they either come around and be positive about what they've got going on their lives or stay away untill they can fix their problems. You cannot go on like this and let them hurt your own immediate family. Tell them enough is enough and get help. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 4

Define selfish. I don't believe self preservation is part of the definition. Mum needs to talk to a friend or another family member. It's not your fault your parents cannot act like adults and really they are not your problem. You will have to take a stand on this with them, but just do it with love. Let them honestly know how it's dragging you down. I know how you feel. I was 24 when my parents separated. Your first obligation is to your husband and child. And if you do all you can for your married family, there isn't much left to run interference in your parents life. Don't sacrifice your life at the expense of your family.

Answer 5

Nope. Not selfish at all. In all these years of "fixing" have you really accomplished anything? What is selfish is the assumption that you are the "most responsible" of your siblings. This makes me roll my eyes as I have a sister that thinks the same thing. You are stressed because you have a sense of self importance. Let it go. Worry about your own life. Let your parents work out their own problems and while its nice to lend an ear, don't make suggestions. They probably don't put them to use anyway. Spend time on the positive relationships in your life. You might want to start by understanding the siblings that you view as irresponsible. If they are not as involved in fixing your parents problems, you may have much to learn from them.

Answer 6

Would you get upset if someone walked in your house with a full trash can and just started dumping trash all over your living room floor? You would? Well then why would you allow someone, regardless of their relationship with you dump their trash all over you?

Now there is nothing wrong with helping someone with what you can. But this help should not constantly take away from your life and the relationships of those dependent on you.

When you get married, your husband is your new family, and now that you have a baby, all the reason to protect your family. (your husband, you and your baby) They should be your chief concern. If something takes you away from your family and affects your relationship with your husband then you have to draw a line.

And really, is all this stress you deal with helping any of your mothers problems? But it is hurting your home life.. Time to make a choice... There is nothing selfish about taking care of your family.

Answer 7

No! You are not being selfish. My parents do the same thing to me. Your parents should not be telling you their problems. Do you go running to your Mom every time you and your husband have a fight? Probably not. They are adults, and even though you are an adult as well it is still hard on you when your parents fight. Get call display and an answering machine and screen your calls. Give yourself a break. And DO NOT feel guilty. Your baby will only be a baby once and you don't want to miss it.

Answer 8

I admire the fact that you want to be a supportive child, but ask yourself this question: are you being fair to your husband and child by dragging your parents into your marriage? Your parents are adults, and it's unfair for EITHER of them to call you and vent. It sounds as though everyone in the situation at hand may need counseling intervention; your parents, regarding their marriage and co-dependency issues, and your family (you and your husband), for the stress this is causing you. Step back and think for a moment; if you wind up in the hospital--or morgue--because of their problems, will the problems still be there? If you died tomorrow, would your parents still be squabbling? It is not your responsibility for your parents or your siblings; your responsibility is your own family. Love your parents and siblings, but realize that they are independent people with their own lives and shouldn't drag you into their dramas. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 9

In my opinion, it's not selfish. If anything, it's about time. You probably never should have stepped into the problems your parents have. It seems as though your mom has become dependent on you. She's a grown woman trying to dump her problems on her child. So who's selfish? My suggestion is to explain to your mother that you can't fix her problems. Tell her to do what she can to fix them. You have your own family now, and you need to focus on them. If you can, maybe give her suggestions on what you feel is the most beneficial way to fixing her problems without interfering with your life. I hope things get better for you. Good luck.

Answer 10

No, your first responsibility is to yourself, and then to your family--meaning your husband and children--NOT your parents. You've allowed this situation to get out of hand, your parents should never EVER try to put you in the middle of their disagreements. Do not allow them to do it in the future, it's not good for you, or them. The next time your mother calls with a problem about your dad, stop her, tell her that you love your father too, and if she has a problem with Dad, she needs to deal with him, not bring people from OUTSIDE her marriage into the problem. If they need counseling, encourage her to get that as well. But stop letting her use you for her dumping ground--like you said, it's putting a very unfair burden on your back. You take care of your own family, and let your parents take care of themselves.

Answer 11

Your parents are adults. Call them up and set up a time to go talk with them. Explain to both of them that they need to work on their relationship, and that you are no longer going to be involved in their problems. THEY ARE ADULTS, THEY NEED TO FIGURE IT OUT!

Don't feel guilty about scolding them on this issue. They deserve it.

You need to focus on your husband and your new child. Parenting is very stressful on a marriage. Be sure you and your husband are communicating and being brutally honest with each other when you communicate. Take time to take care of each other. As long as you make your relationship with your husband your #1 priority, everything will work out fine. Your child is going to be fine no matter what, as long as you and your husband are doing well.

You don't have to carry the "heavy cross" for anyone else. Take care of yourself, do the right thing, ALL the time, no matter how hard it is, and everything will turn out ok in the end.