To take or not to take your husband's name?

Question

We have been married for almost 1 year, have 1 baby together and another one on the way and I am very much in love with him.
Despite of his several reminders I still have not updated my status with insurance, driving license, mortgage, passport etc (I am italian and got married in Italy) informed pension provider etc due to lack of time and lazyness.. I guess!!
I have at the back of my mind the say that "marriage is the death of love" and I am in no rush to prove it wrong so i just avoid facing it at all "pretending" that we are partners.

Does anybody feel the same?

Answer 1

If you were going to "pretend" you were partners - why did you get married in the first place?

If you have a baby together and another on the way, dont you all want the same surname - the "family" name?

If your marriage is going to fall apart - it will regardless of whether you change your name or not.

Answer 2

I have been married for over 11years and I have never once regretted not changing my last name to his.
Why well #1 ask yourself why you really think you "need" to change your last name? (I ask this question to people when they ask me why I did not) and for the most part I hear..."well because that's just what you do," or "that's how it's always been."
My response is: sure back in the day women were the property of their father, we could not own land, vote, etc. then when you married you became the property of your husband. For that reason alone I find zero reason to feel the need to change my last name! I am not a piece of property! I am a human being!
#2 I spent 19 years making a name for myself...and why should I lose my idenity just because I got married in a (should be 50-50) relationship.
I have 2 daughters and I hope they both do the same.
I honestly get many women that commend me for keeping my name, many say they wish they would have done the same. I also have heard many mothers tell me they hope when there adult daughter gets married they too keep their name.
I will admit I am a tad passionate about this, but why go along and do something just because "that's how it has always been."

p.s. I have not had any problems with insurance etc. either.

Answer 3

While there is no reason that you should have to take your husband's name, and there are certainly more important things than your status with insurance, driving license, etc, what worries me is it sounds like you have some hesitation about committing to the whole marriage thing. Maybe this is just some nervousness and reflects some deeper fears you have and has nothing to do with your marriage. Maybe there is nothing wrong with your marriage but if you hold back and let fears take over it could cause problems down the line.

I'd talk it over with your husband. Just share your insecurities. Maybe even see a couples councilor. It's better to talk to see now BEFORE trouble start, than after it is too late.

An EXCELLENT book for new couples to read is called "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendricks. It has a lot of excercises to do to learn about yourself and your partner and how to share your insecurities so that you can help each other grow instead of letting them tear you apart. Its not easy work, but I my wife (my second wife) and I have found it very helpful.

Answer 4

No. I am also of Italian descent with a good Italian name also.I have never felt like that in my life. I felt that my love and his was for ever. It has had its ups and downs like anyone elses but it is not going to be destroyed by being married!Whether you change your name or not you ARE married. If you feel so strongly about it why dont you put your name the latin way and put your husbands name first and yours afterwards. In that way it shows you are married but at the same time use your maiden name. You know its quite common to do this in the latin countries so there is nothing wrong with it unless, of course, your husband objects to it.

Answer 5

in canada we have to pay if we want our husbands last name .. when i got married 15 years ago the price was 800.00 .. i have no idea what it is today .. the reason the goverment did this is due to all the divorces and i guess it saves time on changing back a name .. i am now divorced and i am glad i did not change my name ... i always looked at it as this is my givin name my family name and i am proud to carry it ... but thats me ...

Answer 6

u love him, u share something special and more powerful than love, its ur bleessings,ur children,hes that father of your kids, and if u didnt love him enough,u would put urself thru the pain and responsiblity of marriage, SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?? he's urs and always will be..so hold on to him MRS ok!!!stop being lazy and show the world u a mrs of a wonderfull husband and father!!if u dont, it just shows people that u just a normal partner to him!

Answer 7

I think it can be the death of love if you let it. It's really all in your head. Marriage can be the enhancement of love, but you have to have faith in your own relationship to for it to happen.

Answer 8

Well I don't agree with marriage is the death of love.

Changing your name....that is another issue. Why change your name? I think it is strange and I didn't do it. I know who my husband is and he knows I am his wife, doesn't matter what our last names are.

Answer 9

You got married, so you are married, trying to pretend you are just partners is stupid, you are married!!!!! You don't have to take his name if you don't want to, but you can't escape the fact that you are married.

Answer 10

Sorry , but I definitely don't agree that marriage is the end of love, for us it was the start of something amazing. I am proud to have my husband's surname.