Please help...I feel out of control...?

Question

My husband and I have been desperately trying to get things back on track and for the most part have been doing pretty well. I;m still having some trust issues with this girl sarah at his work. I now find that he seems to be doing most of the texting first and then she responds. Also, he's been helping her set up a website and i got upset because the email account she needs to set up was on our computer. I was just caught off guard and without realizing it I called my husband on his way to work to ask him about it. I didn't yell but he got pretty mad and then just said let me know when you need to get up (I work overnights) and I'll talk to you tonight. He usually calls me and so I said, I don't ever get to be upset or still struggle with this problem? and all he said was he had to go. I guess now i wonder should I really be angry with sarah or my husband b/c it seems like he is instigating any texting between them. Am I right to be mad...to ask him to stop? I feel stupid.

plus, I started a journal to try and work on these feelings and my husband read it. I don't care that he read it but he hides everything from me b/c he doesn't like that I checked his phone b/c I thought he was cheating. PLus, he has read my email. I have all the same password so it is easy to remember and he knows them all...why is it so bad that he feels like all of his plan making is through his email and I feel like he is hiding it from me. I just feel like he is being too secretive when all the while my stuff is like an open book.

The site is not work related-he is helping her out as a friend. The texts aren't work related he texts her with everything and he says he texts all his friends but he doesn't-just her. It just seems stupid when he doesn't like me spying but yet he keeps looking at everything that I am doing. So who is wrong? I know I shouldn't look but I just wish that a whole week would go by where he doesn't text her. He works with her and hangs out with her every week...what more does he need to talk to her about. I'm just tired of feeling like he really likes her more than as a friend. Why can't he stop when I did when he asked?

Answer 1

It sure sounds like he is cheating from what you told us. His behavioral patterns even point it out! Did you ever meet this lady? You should ask yourself how far you will allow him to mess around with you before he treads the line. Dont be his doormat!

Answer 2

Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill, but do stop the mole hill from getting any taller! You have every right to be mad because he is hiding the text. Before you jump to conclusions was the texts work related and did he not mention the text because he figure it was just not worth mentioning! You know how some men are they don't mention everything because what we would mention, men usually don't. Just depends. He probably feels like you are accusing him of doing something he's not. Find out all the facts first. If it is work related don't get too upset...I would definitely let him know that it pissed you off, but I wouldn't allow thoughts to build up based off of assumptions. If you get solid facts that he has been spending time with her, show him the door. Why be mad at Sarah, she isn't doing anything he isn't allowing. Again, don't assume. You have every right to ask him to stop if it bothers you that bad; your his wife...wish you well...

Answer 3

A wife's security should come before a friends needs. If the website is not a work related thing he needs to stop helping her, if it is it needs to stay at work - no texting. If he's willing to work on his marriage that shouldn't be a problem.

He should also give you his passwords to any of his stuff you want to see. If he's not willing to do that he's hidding something.

Sorry, to say, but it sounds like he's being very defensive and trying to make it sound like you are the one with the problem to hide his infidelity.

Is he trying to make you feel stupid so you'll drop the subject?

Answer 4

your problem is an open book as well.Your husband is being deceitful to you and you know it.He has no moral right to do the things he 's doing but you are allowing him to get away with this behavior.Would he be so cool if this was you doing what he is doing?You could ignore him or you could confront him and demand respect for the marriage or you can do all the above then leave his as* until he gets the picture.Sometimes you have to lay down the laws that he should already know and refuse to be treated in a manner that's disrespectful to you.If you feel you are being mistreated then why should you feel guilty?a feeling is just that a feeling and he is causing to feel you can't trust him so the thing is you can't. Do something about it.

Answer 5

My husband started hanging out with this girl at his work. It doesnt seem like it went to the same extent, but it still hurt. Im 99% confident that nothing physical happened, but he told me that he fell for this girl a little bit and really liked talking to her and stuff, and that there was some sexual tension even if nothing happened. He would stay a little late after work just to hang out with her. That sucks. It almost hurt more than if he had just cheated on me. To know that he can have those kinds of feelings for someone else hurts like hell. And we've been married less than a year, although we've been together almost 8, but it's been a little bit of a rocky year.
Then I realized, yes, he liked this girl, and he definitely shouldnt have stayed with her at work to hang out with her rather than come home with me. But he did do a few things right: they didnt exchange numbers, they didnt do anything physical. And we've tried to get back to normal, but every time I think about it, it still hurts.

Yes, he should've stopped hanging out with her as soon as he realized he had feelings for her. It's impossible that we wont ever connect with someone else in a romantic way for the rest of our lives. But when you realize that is starting to h appen, you need to cut it off. Which is what your husband should do. You guys need to talk this out. And if he is resistant, there is a reason, and you need to make him talk about it. Marriage is hard. But it's worth working at. Someone once told me marriage is your wildest fantasy come true, and your worst nightmare all at the same time. It's so true. Talk to him and work it out. Hopefully this helped you realize that you're not alone out there, and I feel better writing it. Best of luck.

Answer 6

You didn't say why you have trust issues with this girl. IF something has happened between them, you have every right to be mad and uneasy, if not, I think you are just letting your insecurity get the best of you. You stated you two are gong through a rough patch and trying to work through it. Maybe he and Sara are just friends and he is asking her advice. It can and does happen. I have male friends that I grew up with and whenever they are having issues, they tend to turn to me for advice. Anyways, good luck.

Answer 7

Hell, yes you should be angry with them both and this needs to stop now. You are his wife and he has no bussiness doing this crap upsetting you like this! He is out of line here and needs to get with the program or else. i would watch him and not trust this situation one bit. I would confront him and tell him that is enough and to knock it off before he has to be looking for a new job. I wouldn't trust this co-worker as far as i could throw her and both of them are being disrespectfull. Friends of the opposite sex are disasters to the marriage....and in the end it can end up getting sexual if it hasn't been going there already. Go at him like a bull in a china shop and don't tollerate this from either one of them. This is your marriage-your life- and your emotions they are toying with.....to hell with the both of them.....they need to knock it off because it is not good. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 8

Texting is another form of communication. There is nothing inherently wrong with texting. You seem to be saying that your husband is not allowed to communicate with any female, not even about work. You sound paranoid. It sounds like your husband is trying to get his job done, and you're interefering by confronting him with your constant paranoid fantasies.

What does it mean when you say, "without realizing it I called my husband on his way to work"? Are you saying that you are not in control of your behavior? That's pretty serious. You seem to have very poor impulse control.

I suggest you see a psychiatrist to get help with your issues. Unless there's a great deal you're not telling us, signs point to you being mentally ill.

Answer 9

don't ever feel stupid!!! You are his wife and you only you, have every right to ask him anything you want. There shouldn't be any secrets. I would suggest to investigate the texting. Sounds strange.